I let my girlfriend sleep with other men because my sex drive is so low – but I’m scared my friends will find out
DEAR Deidre: BECAUSE my sex drive is so low, I accept that my girlfriend sleeps with other men.
She even left me temporarily for one of them.
Still, I love her so much. But I’m anxious that my friends will find out about our arrangement and will judge me.
I’m 32 and she’s 29. We’ve been a couple for eight years and live together.
She’s never hidden the fact that she has cheated on me multiple times, even having sex with one guy in our bathroom while I was downstairs in the living room.
I don’t like it but I tolerate it because she has an extremely high sex drive, and I’m not very sexual.
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If I put my foot down about it, I know that she would leave me, and I like being with her.
However, she did actually break up with me earlier this year for a guy she met at work.
She moved out, leaving me devastated.
She came back a few months later, saying she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with him or me, but wanted to give us another try.
I didn’t get angry at her. I was just happy to have her back.
But I know she’s still having sex with him.
What worries me is that if other people know about her cheating they will think badly of me.
Then I will feel like I’d have to end the relationship just to save face, even though I don’t want to.
She’s not going to change and I worry that one day she’ll meet someone, fall in love and leave permanently.
What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It doesn’t matter what other people think and you shouldn’t worry about being judged for your girlfriend’s behaviour.
What is more concerning is that you are stuck in a very unhealthy relationship.
Even though you say you love your girlfriend and tolerate her infidelities, you are clearly extremely unhappy and insecure.
You’re aware that you’re sexually incompatible and you worry she could leave you at any time.
But rather than deal with these issues, you turn a blind eye, and allow her to do whatever she wants.
She may not be trying to hurt you, but she’s taking advantage of your passivity.
My support pack, Raising Self- Esteem, might be good for you to read.
Having a low libido is not a crime that deserves punishment by cheating.
Please talk to a relationship counsellor – both alone and with your girlfriend.
You can find one at tavistockrelationships.org.