Doctors told me to ‘grieve later’ when one of my baby twins died in the womb – I had to carry it until birth
WHEN Daniela found out she was expecting twin girls, she could not have been happier.
She never could have imagined the tragedy to come, which would see her give birth to one while also grieving for the loss of the other.
Just one year earlier, Daniela Stockmann and her fiancé Dave Ward lost their first baby to a miscarriage.
In December 2021, the parents were overjoyed to find out they were pregnant again.
But this happy news soon turned to sadness once more, when they found out one of their daughters Daisy, had died in the womb due to a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).
“The heartbreak and the pain was horrendous,” Daniela said, recalling the day she found out about Daisy.
During a holiday to the Maldives, Dave surprised Daniela by proposing.
A couple of days later, Daniela was delighted when she had a positive pregnancy test.
“We had a private scan at eight-and-a-half weeks,” she said.
“They said there were definitely two babies. Dave was gobsmacked,” she added.
At 12 weeks, the couple were “over the moon” to discover they were expecting twin girls.
During a later scan, the happy parents were told the twins were growing well, but that there was a bit more fluid around one baby, compared to the other.
“They wrote on my notes TTTS with a question mark but nothing more was said,” Daniela said.
Scans later revealed that Daniela did have TTTS at 22 weeks.
TTTS is a rare but life-threatening condition that affects 10 to 15 per cent of identical twins that share a placenta (monochorionic twins).
The condition can also occur in triplet or higher-order pregnancies with monochorionic twins.
Specialist laser surgery carried out on the babies in the womb is offered to help save the babies’ lives.
Daniela added: “It was awful that day, that was probably when we were grieving the most.
What is twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome?
According to the NHS TTTS affects identical twins who share a placenta.
The NHS said: “It’s caused by abnormal connecting blood vessels in the twins’ placenta.
“This results in an imbalanced blood flow from one twin (known as the donor) to the other (recipient), leaving one baby with a greater blood volume than the other.”
It affects around 10-15% of twins who share a placenta and can have serious consequences.
TAMBA – the Twins and Multiple Births Association, explaining the syndrome, said: “A lack of blood supply can affect the donor twin’s growth so they are smaller than average.
“The recipient twin is usually larger and has a higher blood volume, which can strain their heart as it works harder to cope with the extra blood supply.
“To compensate for the excess blood, the recipient twin often produces a large amount of fluid. In contrast, the smaller donor twin can become stuck against the uterus wall with little surrounding fluid.
“We just couldn’t believe it was all fine and then such a sudden change.
“Dave fell to pieces in the car park.”
‘Stay strong for your other baby’
The couple were told that Daniela needed specialist laser surgery straightaway.
“I remember just clinging onto the wall,” the mum said.
“I couldn’t process anything. We wanted to go ahead with the surgery so we could give the babies the best chance of survival,” she explained.
The surgery went ahead and both babies survived the operation.
But just hours later, Daniela started experiencing painful muscle spasms and doctors were worried she had gone into labour or was bleeding internally.
They feared amniotic fluid had leaked into her body and caused the attacks.
Heartbreakingly, at 22-and-a-half weeks, doctors said there was only one heartbeat and one of the twins, who the couple named Daisy, had passed away.
Daniela said: “I just burst into tears. I knew we had to carry on, I said to Dave, ‘Let’s not collapse now’, we knew we couldn’t do that.
“Our surgeon said to us: ‘You have lost a baby so you need to grieve for this baby but right now you need to stay strong for the surviving one to get through. So you must grieve later.’
“Those words just stayed with me. The heartbreak and the pain was horrendous.
“I felt great comfort knowing I was still carrying them both and they were safe with me and still together.
“But as time was moving on closer to birthing them, it hurt so much knowing she was going to be gone forever.”
Naming ceremony
Daniela had to be transferred to a hospital in Grimsby for the birth.
At 34 weeks, Daniela had an emergency C-section and baby Daisy was born sleeping alongside her sister Orla on July 11 2022.
She said: “Orla came out crying and as soon as we heard that cry, our shoulders dropped.
“The pregnancy was such a worry and to know she was alright was just amazing.
“She did have a stay in NICU. This was because she was born prematurely and needed light therapy and help with establishing feeding.
“We had photos taken with Daisy and she stayed in my room for a couple of days in a special cold cot.
“We had a naming ceremony and they let us push Daisy in the pram to the mortuary.”
‘She should be playing with her sister’
Daniela said despite support from bereavement counsellors, it’s still very hard to come to terms with the grief of losing a baby.
She said: “It’s not been until now, two years later, that I have processed it all. Because you have a newborn.
“You’ve got this beautiful baby but you’re grieving for another one. That balance is so hard to navigate.
“Obviously it gets easier but then it also hits you like a tonne of bricks.
“There’s a huge grief when Orla is looking in the mirror as I see them both and always think what should have been.
“Or when she is playing with a friend, we get such mixed emotions, we love seeing her happy but the pain comes as we know she should be playing with her sister.”
When Daniela found out about Twins Trust Bereavement Service, she was able to find a community of people who understood what had happened to her.
She said: “I joined the Twins Trust Bereavement Service social channels and found others who had been through a similar situation.
“You know they’re on the same page and understand you. Just reading other people’s comments on the pages made me feel less alone.”
Daniela and Dave, plus their gym members at FBC Harrogate, have ploughed their time into helping others and fundraising for Twins Trust, to support other bereaved families.
From fundraising runs to family events and mountain climbs, they have raised more than £6,000 for the charity.
Daniela is currently training for the London Landmarks Half Marathon in April 2025.
They will mark Baby Loss Awareness Week by joining in the Wave of Light and lighting a candle in Daisy’s memory.
She added: “BLAW gives us a chance to remember all the babies. It’s so important to recognise any loss.”
Louise Bowman, head of family services at Twins Trust, said: “Baby Loss Awareness Week is an important week that gives bereaved families a chance to have their voices heard and share their stories.
“At Twins Trust Bereavement Service, we offer a lifeline to parents and families coping with the unique challenges of loss from a multiple birth. We are here to support them through their bereavement journey and help them feel less alone.”