I was horrified to learn my husband’s sick secret – I’m disgusted and being around him gives me the creeps

DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS horrified to learn that my husband raped his sister when they were teenagers.

Now I understand why she wants nothing to do with him, me or my kids.

I’m disgusted and being around him gives me the creeps.

I’m 42 and my husband is 45. His sister is 41 and my daughters are ten and eight.

It’s not the first time someone has accused my husband of sexual assault.

A babysitter I hired refused to come back after saying he exposed himself to her.

I didn’t believe it at the time, but now I know she was telling the truth.

He says it’s all made up and that his sister has mental health problems. But she has no reason to lie.

I know this isn’t my fault, but I feel terrible. It makes me wonder what else he’s done.

Although I’m sure he wouldn’t hurt our daughters, I worry about them too. I feel like I’ve been living a lie.

DEIDRE SAYS: This must have come as a massive shock. It sounds as if nobody reported him to the police, so he thinks he has got away with it.

What’s important now is to protect your daughters. Make sure they aren’t left alone with him, at least until you access advice.

Please contact Safeline (safeline.org.uk, tel: 01926 402498) where you can talk to an Independent sexual violence adviser.

Counselling would also be helpful. See my support pack on this.

Can’t keep both women happy

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M being forced to choose between my mother or my married lover.

My mum says she can’t have a relationship with me if I break up my lover’s marriage because she has a child. But whatever I do, I know I’ll be miserable.

I’m 33 and my lover is 36. My mum is 65.

A few months ago, I split up with my long-term girlfriend – whom my mum adored and thought I would marry.

Shortly after, I started seeing a lovely woman from work.

She’s in a very unhappy marriage with a man who treats her badly. The only reason she hasn’t left him already is because they have a four-year-old son.

We’ve been seeing each other for six months, and I love her. The sex is great – so much better than with my ex partner – and I can really talk to her.

I’ve told her I will be there for her and her son if she leaves her husband. He’s a sweet little boy. I told my mum about my lover because I wanted her to know how happy she makes me.

Her reaction shocked me.

She said she didn’t want to know because she grew up as a stepchild, after her mum had an affair and remarried, and it ruined her childhood. Her stepdad was cruel to her and never treated her like his own.

She’s told me that she cannot accept my new relationship and if I continue, she won’t be in my life.

She doesn’t want to meet my lover.

This is so painful as I’m so close to my mum, but I also see a future with my lover.

 DEIDRE SAYS: Your mother’s childhood experience has clearly had a very large and negative impact on her life, and she fears history will repeat itself.

She’s understandably worried about your lover’s small child, who is caught in the middle of this situation.

However, you are a grown man and have to make your own life choices, even if she disapproves.

It’s possible that if you and your lover settle down as a family, in time she will accept your relationship.

But your lover is still with her husband and you can’t know for sure that she will leave or that things will work out between you.

My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, may help you think things through.

You may have to accept your mum will never give you her blessing