A Short History of the Pagan Reign of Blot-Sven for Bostonians
Art by Matt Smith
So the thing is, back in the 1000s, Sweden wasn’t exactly the goddamned shinin’ beacon’ah highly pious Lutheranism as we tend tah think’ah it as bein’ today, even if that image is kindah outdated since the 1800s. Fahr stahtahs, the boundahry’ah the whole country was diff’rent. N’ it wasn’t even Sweden yet, eithah, fahr that fuckin’ mattah. It was Svealand ah Svitjod ah some shit like that n’ pretty much only consisted’ah the Stockholm n’ Uppsala areas, though with no actual Stockholm. It was just some rinky-dink island with trees n’ logs n’ shit on it.
Anyway, these Swedes—fahr lack’ah a bettah wohrd—kindah fluctuated between devout Catholicism n’ hahdco’ah paganism. Even the Danes n’ the fuckin’ Nahwegians’ah all people had made up their minds on the mattah r’already, ah had it made up fah r’em as was often the case back then. But the Finns were still all-in on the Kalevala bein’ their bible even though it hadn’t been written down yet, since Finland always does its own fuckin’ thing.
So anyway, we got Svealand sohrtah bein’ like the New Hampshire’ah Scandinavia—all backwahds n’ shit—like, they’re really just not keepin’ up with the times n’ doin’ the whole fohrced convehrsion n’ violent repression stuff. N’ they’re goin’ back n’ fohrth n’ back n’ fohrth between Odin n’ Thor n’ Freyja n’ Frey on the one hand n’ then Jesus on the othah. It’s kindah like they sohrtah like Jesus n’ so they want tah include him, but then at the same time they don’t really want tah risk pissin’ off one’ah their old gods, who ahr known fahr bein’ pretty fuckin’ temprahmental tah be honest. N’ so the Swedes, they just kindah try tah split the diff’rence, yah know? Which means they keep on doin’ a lot’ah their old heathen things, one’ah which is called a blot. N’ a blot’s basic’ly like a supah religious pahty, but instead’ah takin’ Communion ah singin’ hymns ah whatevah ovah r’at the big church in the South End, they fuckin’ sacrifice live fuckin’ humans n’ animals n’ shit out in the fuckin’ woods. N’ so, yah know, blots were real fuckin’ no-nos so fah r’as the mohr devout Catholic Swedes’ah the time were concehrned.
One’ah which was the goddamned king himself. So this guy, King Inge, got the throne aftah r’his dad had died at some point. N’ his dad, he’d been king a good long while n’ he was pretty fuckin’ pehrmissive when he was alive, meanin’ he let the Swedes do whatevah sohrt’ah old fuckin’ heathen things they wanted. But then at some point aftah r’Inge was made king, he was asked by the Swedish elites tah pehrfohrm the ancient pagan blot sacrifice, tah which he was like, “No fuckin’ way; I’d rathah root fahr the Habs ’en muhrdah some helpless pehrson ah animal so I’m not gonnah fuckin’ do it.”
At which point Inge’s brothah-r’in-law Sven jumps up n’ raises his hand n’ he’s like, “I’ll fuckin’ do it!”
N’ so Sven then hacked apaht a hohrse fahr the sacrifice n’ this made all the Swedish nobles happy n’ so they gave him his new nickname’ah Blot-Sven n’ they even elected him as their new king n’ they chased Inge outtah the country by throwin’ a bunch’ah fuckin’ rocks at him. So Inge runs off tah Western Geatland n’ then aftah like three yee’ahs go by, he goes back tah Svealand n’ ovahthrows Blot-Sven. He basic’ly buhrned all’ah Blot-Sven’s buddies alive in their meadhall, n’ then he stabbed Blot-Sven tah death with his swohrd when he tried tah escape. I think we can all agree that this wasn’t a very Christian thing fahr Inge tah do.
Anyway, so Blot-Sven fuckin’ died n’ he went down in histahry as the last’ah Svealand’s heathen kings. N’ then Inge imposed Catholicism on all the Swedes, which meant no mohr blots ah wohrshippin’ Odin ah Thor ah Freyja ah Frey. Especially Frey, as the Swedes had always liked him extra special as they thought their ahriginal royal family descended from him, which was sohrtah a source’ah pride since his main pehrsonality trait was havin’ a wicked huge dong.
That Mark Wahlberg chahr’actah from Boogie Nights got nothin’ on fuckin’ Frey.
N’ I guess that’s that.