If husband watches porn, is he cheating on me?
Dear Ismael,
I’m in several mom groups on Facebook and I recently saw a post that mentioned porn is unacceptable and a form of cheating in their marriage. I’ve never seen it as a big deal and I don’t care to know if my husband watches it because that’s personal. My question is, should I consider it a form of cheating?
— Curious in Hyde Park
Dear Curious,
Initially, I thought I'd be more progressive and give you an absolute, "No, it is not cheating."
I believe simply watching porn is not an issue. It's how the partner chooses to engage with it — passionately, emotionally, financially, etc. — that makes me think the Facebook mom may have a point, and I have to ask: What kind of porn are we talking about?
Hear me out.
If it were 30 years ago, I wouldn't worry if the husband had a secret drawer of his favorite adult magazines, VHS tapes and toys. (I'd hope the wife had her own special collection, too.) Or even if it were 10 years ago, and the partner followed erotic pages on Tumblr and watched their favorite videos in the privacy of their own phone.
But access to porn and adult entertainers is easier than ever with websites such as OnlyFans, where (for a fee) you can watch and chat with your favorite porn star in a more personal setting. And it's not just longtime professionals; a so-called "amateur" content creator could be someone from your own city or even a past classmate.
With professionally produced porn, there's at least a fantasy you could disconnect from. But now fans can follow up with a heartfelt message and request more. That's when I would set boundaries of what kind of porn you're OK your partner engages with and how.
"Whether or not porn is viewed as cheating depends on individual beliefs, values and agreements within the relationship," Elizabeth Perri, a Chicago clinical psychologist and sex therapist, told me. "Some individuals have rigid beliefs about monogamy and that sexual fulfillment should come solely from their partner. Watching porn may feel like infidelity as it involves sexual arousal derived from other people, even when they are not real-life interactions."
Porn’s purpose and setting relationship rules
According to the Ballard Center for Social Impact, there are more users looking at Pornhub per minute today than there were copies of Playboy’s first edition sold in 1953. Pornhub has more than 42 billion visitors in a year, 5 million an hour and almost 80,000 a minute. And that's just ONE porn site.
Porn provides individuals with steamy visual content for sexual gratification but can also be educational by helping people understand the sexual pleasures of the opposite sex, according to a study by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America.
"On one hand, porn can lead to exaggerated, inaccurate expectations about real-life sex. On the other hand, it can facilitate exploration of sexual interests," Perri said. "Some couples I’ve worked with have benefited from viewing porn together, aiding in communication about sexual fantasies and exploration of new sexual activities together."
Still, watching porn is an activity most people partake in alone. And whether or not it should be considered cheating depends on where you draw the line.
You can set limits and say, "Stick to Brazzers, messaging people you see naked is disrespectful to our marriage." Or maybe you're more worried about how porn could affect the marriage's financial health and say, "No more than $25 a month on OnlyFans. Choose wisely."
We need to stop pretending porn isn't as popular as it is. If the subject makes you insecure about your relationship, or you think it might help it, bring it up.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.