The 3 biggest confidence killers and expert-approved tips to pick yourself back up
In an era of selfies and social media, it’s perhaps hard to believe the UK is in the grips of a confidence crisis.
But almost half of Brits admit to suffering a lack of self-esteem, according to a recent poll.*
It found 46% are struggling with self-confidence and a whopping 90% of those experiencing this said it has affected their ability to enjoy special moments in life, such as weddings or social occasions.
“A lack of confidence can impact all areas of our lives,” agrees Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.
“In relationships, low confidence can lead to unhealthy dynamics, causing you to settle for less than you deserve or shy away from expressing your needs.
Socially, it can prevent you from forming meaningful connections.
At work, it can lead to missed opportunities, like avoiding asking for a promotion due to a fear of failure.”
But, thankfully, Dr Elena says confidence is something that can be regained.
Parenting
Starting a family can alter your life in the blink of an eye. Adjusting to physical changes or compromising on career goals are just two domino effects.
“It’s common to feel stuck and overwhelmed when you have a child,” says Nicci Roscoe, a holistic health and wellness practitioner and author of Manifest Your Everything: Love Yourself And Create Your Dream Life.
“Suddenly all you think about is your baby – you don’t know what you like or enjoy any more.”
As well as connecting with like-minded people where possible, Dr Elena suggests the concept of “micro-adventures”.
“These are small, spontaneous experiences, like exploring a new area or trying new foods, that can reignite your excitement,” she says.
“Another approach is to organise a skill swap, where you teach other people something you’re passionate about.
“This helps you reconnect with your abilities, learn something new and discover a sense of self beyond parenthood.”
At work
Do you work in an industry with overly confident, even toxic types? There are lots of ways we can see our confidence knocked at work.
“Stop letting others intimidate you,” says Nicci. “You can do this by focusing on your self-worth and remembering what you can do.”
Dr Elena says keeping a success journal for any achievements can help with this. What about if you’re facing redundancy or were rejected for a new role? “It’s easy to ask: ‘Why me? Am I not good enough?’” says Nicci.
“But this can quickly become a cycle of negative self-talk that can hold you back.” Instead, look for opportunities to learn more skills, such as programmes at your workplace, plus many businesses also now offer mentoring.
“Breaking the cycle requires a shift in how you respond to setbacks,” says Dr Elena.
“One technique is to practise cognitive restructuring, where you challenge negative thoughts as they arise.
If you catch yourself thinking: ‘I always mess up,’ pause and reframe it as: ‘This didn’t go as planned, but it’s an opportunity to learn.’”
If your job requires you to do a presentation, or you have an interview, make like Beyoncé and use an alter ego – her on-stage persona Sasha Fierce helps her perform with confidence.
“Imagine stepping into this person,” says Nicci. “Feel yourself standing taller and feeling confident while channelling their energy.”
Getting older
Another major contributing factor to a loss of confidence is getting older.
Menopausal weight gain is slashing the self-confidence of a quarter of women, according to The 1:1 Diet by Cambridge Weight Plan.
“One of the biggest barriers to women receiving the right care is not recognising that their symptoms may be related to hormones,” says Dr Ella Russell, a private GP and menopause specialist.
“There are so many options, and people shouldn’t be ashamed to discuss it.”
Your GP can prescribe HRT if suitable, which could help symptoms, but doctors say the best approach is to combine medical treatment with lifestyle changes.
“Small steps can make a huge difference, such as cutting out sugar in your tea,” says Nicci. Exercise can help with hot flushes while boosting feel-good endorphins, bone density and strength, as well as heart health.
Don’t know where to start? Look for menopause or female-focused fitness coaches at your local gym, or go online – check out Kate Rowe-Ham’s Owning Your Menopause online community.
For the long-term
A lack of self-esteem doesn’t have to become a permanent fixture in your life. “In psychology, we refer to ‘building mastery’ as a method to rebuild confidence,” says Dr Elena.
“This involves setting small, achievable goals that allow us to experience success.” Examples include studying for an exam in order to get a new qualification, or starting a conversation with one new person a day at work.
She adds: “As you consistently achieve these goals, your confidence will grow.” Nicci teaches clients to harness confidence through positive self-talk.
“Create a library of sayings such as: ‘I feel good, I feel strong, I can do this.’ Add them to your phone, stick them on your fridge, put them everywhere and repeat them to yourself.”
Quick confidence hacks
Anchor yourself by using a past memory that makes you happy. Close your eyes, squeeze your thumb and forefinger and put yourself in that memory for 30-60 seconds, until you feel more relaxed.
If there’s a person or situation dampening your confidence, imagine turning them black and white, instead of colour.
See the colour drain from the person or situation until it all goes fuzzy and becomes insignificant.
To recover from a toxic situation or conversation, place one hand on your chest, tap it gently and say to yourself: “I’m taking care of me,” while pushing the other hand away and imagining you’re pushing that situation away from you.
Repeat several times.
Source: *Colgate Manifest Your Everything by Nicci Roscoe (£14.99, Cico Books) is out now.