The Challenge 40: Battle of the Eras Recap: No Free Lunch

We’ve reached the point in the season where the contestants have been stuck in the Challenge house for so long that they’re starting to develop Stockholm Syndrome. Michele wants to be Facebook official with Devin. Nia is acting like Kyland might be more than a hoe on the low. Olivia believes that because she doesn’t want Theo to fall 861 feet to his death, also known as general human decency, she must be in love.

The horny cast gets to let off some steam at Devin’s birthday party, where Ryan and Derek dress up as drag alter egos Tarje and Cherry and jiggle their wares. How can Bananas say that Ryan isn’t contributing anything when he just earned seventeen dollars in ones? Laurel trades her devil horns for a sexy bottle girl outfit and Cara channels her inner Chappelle with a roast that is actually funnier than I would have anticipated from someone who alternates their free time between Paulie Calafiore and a stable of horses.

After weeks of elementary school field day obstacle courses, we finally get a real goddamn challenge. You know, the kind that would make Darrell willingly suffer through a “T.J. hates quitters” speech. The daily takes place atop a 56-story helipad — to quote Rihanna, “Baby, this is what we came for.” Whenever I try to convince reluctant ne’er-do-wells to watch The Challenge, I say, “They make out and then jump off of buildings!” not “They row canoes around a tranquil lake.”

In Leap of Faith, each team will have four members cosplay as John Mclean, jumping off of Nakatomi Plaza and catching a flag on their way down. Their remaining teammates need to hoist them back up to the roof, where they trade their flag for puzzle pieces and complete a triangle puzzle. The team with the fastest time wins.

You’d think this would be easy money for Era IV, who eats 800 grams of flavorless chicken breast a day to fuel their cross-fit addictions, but lifting Josh completely gasses them out. Maybe they paint on their abs with contour, and their “gains” are all just an elaborate ruse. Eras II and III breeze through the challenge like the consummate professionals we know them to be, putting the pressure on Era I, who is one “hacked iPad” scam away from complete destruction.

We’re treated to a montage of Darrell bitching out of every heights-based challenge in his career thus far, but this time, he has a mental superpower at his disposal: he wants to — say it with me — make his kids proud. I used to think kids would be a hindrance to my career, but season 40 is making me reconsider because, apparently, an heir is the antidote to all your limiting beliefs. Darrell’s efforts pay off to the extent that Era I comes in third place instead of fourth, but this is essentially winning in their book. Era IV’s Michele and Kyland will face elimination, while Era III’s Nia and Jordan assume the power position.

At club night, Tina tries to convince Nia that choosing Era II targets Nehemiah and Aviv is better for her long game because it will ensure that major threats exit the house no matter the outcome. Nia pretends like she’s considering throwing Era I a bone, but the emotional appeal of feeling good about yourself for helping out the little guy isn’t enough to undermine her ride-or-die friendship with Nehemiah. If she wants to give back to the elderly, she can just go serve cream of wheat at a nursing home when she gets back to the States.

Tina doubles down on the pathos appeal in the Chamber, where she argues that because she’s half-Vietnamese, she should be granted a pass since they’re in Vietnam this season. As I always say, the best way to honor your heritage is to get drunk on Aperol spritzes with a bunch of Instagram thots.

Jordan and Nia decide to tell Tina and Darrell that they’re sending them to the wolves in the most diplomatic way possible: by Nia climbing into bed with Tina and spooning her from behind. Tina does not appreciate this, and tries to argue with Jordan, but really, what is there to say? There’s no world where Era I can ever return the favor of protection, so sending in Era II would only create unnecessary enemies. Jordan may be a beast, but he’s not The Beekeeper. Defending the honor of senile elderly people isn’t part of his job description.

Meanwhile, Bananas loudly shit-talks Ryan in order to instigate a public spat, hoping to put pressure on him to self-nominate. He says that Ryan adds no value and is playing a scared game, but Ryan isn’t naive enough to take the bait. I’m sure always getting picked last in dodgeball was a humiliating pre-teen tribulation, but on season 40 of The Challenge, it’s finally coming in handy! You don’t need to build a resume to win this game, so there’s absolutely no shame in playing like a cockroach.

Everyone heads to the arena, where two giant structures sit in the center of the sand. The targets will play a game called Boxster-Phobia, a weak play on words that should never have made it past the whiteboard. Each player must get through their box by removing rods to reach a series of sliding doors. Each sliding door has a piece of an equation on it, which the player will have to solve in order to unlock their buzzer and take the W.

Michele and Tina are up first, and Devin is so nervous for his mathematically challenged twin flame that he can’t bear to watch, pacing around the stands like a 1950s father-to-be sweating it out with a cigar in the delivery wing waiting room. Both women have to make multiple trips through the box to re-memorize their equation, but Michele is able to stay calm and conjure enough brain cells to get it done first, making Rachel the last surviving woman in Era I.

This means the pressure is on for Darrell, who not only wants to help what’s left of his team, but also secure his legacy in the conversation of best challengers of all time. He manages to get through his box first and gets to work on his equation, drawing out the numbers in the sand underneath his buzzer. Rachel roasts him for spending too much time smoothing out the sand before he starts writing — Darrell is a delicate flower and he will accept only the cleanest canvas for his calculations! Kyland runs out a few moments later, and this nerd doesn’t need a number two pencil because he can do mental math, bitch. He cracks his code, beating Darrell in an elimination round for the second time. I hope Darrell’s kids still love him after this.

Rachel and Derrick are the sole survivors of Era I, making them automatic targets as long as the game continues in its current format. For the women, Averey volunteers, and Kyland selects Cara and Jenny, meaning Jenny is at the bottom of the barrel for the third time. Maybe she needs to start polidicking with Josh and get some imaginary protection from the imaginary Vacation Alliance.

Despite pressure from Cory and Jordan to self-nominate as part of their agreed-upon target rotation, Devin is using Michele’s power position to his advantage, claiming she won’t pick him even if he asks for it like they have spousal testimonial privilege or something. Cory is selected, and Theo volunteers. For Era II, Michele picks Derek, meaning Ryan skates by once again to Bananas’s dismay. This time it’s because he and Michele are “birthday twins,” which may have to go down in history as the dumbest rationale anyone has ever given for a vote.