My wife says I'm a hoarder, but she regularly throws away things we just bought. How can I get her to stop wasting money?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's wife regularly throws out purchases to maintain a minimalist lifestyle.
• Our columnist says the reader is right to be upset, but to approach the conversation without making accusations.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My wife is an aggressive minimalist. We no sooner buy something than she's decided we don't need it and throws it in the trash. This is not how I want to live my life, and it's not a cheap way to live.

She says this is our way of not participating in consumerism, but because of her penchant for tossing and donating, we're always buying and replacing everything. I've tried talking to her about it, and she calls me a hoarder. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dear Here Today,

Your situation sounds really frustrating. As difficult as the financial aspect may be, I imagine knowing that you might lose any or all of your belongings at a moment's notice induces a special kind of anxiety. You likely even reach a point where you stop buying things for the pleasure of it. After all, once your wife gets her hands on it, you'll never see it again.

You stated in your letter that you "don't want to live this way." You and your wife have a value issue. I imagine your wife doesn't view it as a tragedy. In fact, consciously or unconsciously, it's likely her goal.

Something tells me if your wife came home one day to a house like mine – one bursting with comfy furniture, memory boxes, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined with great literature, a tool shed full of everything you could ever need for any project, and a Tupperware cabinet full of containers without lids and lids without containers – "I don't want to live this way" would be the understatement of her year.

And yet, I love my life. Yours sounds a little bleak to me, and apparently it does to you too. Unfortunately, however, there's no reason why you deserve your preferred lifestyle more than she does. Mismatched values can be very difficult to navigate in a marriage. But that truth cuts both ways. If you can't live this way, then something has to change, and your wife must open her heart to this.

When we reach these impasses in marriage, the key is to keep digging through the mire of disagreement until you reach the bedrock of harmony. I call it the bedrock because there must be a shared value on which you and your wife built your relationship. Find it, and use it again to build something new — a life you both enjoy.

I recognize this won't be as easy as a pretty metaphor makes it sound, however, so I have a couple suggestions. You mention that your wife sees her minimalism as a finger in the face of consumerism, and she calls your preferences "hoarding." While you both have a different take on what it should look like, it seems you share a common belief that frivolous spending isn't the answer. Lean into this truth.

Both of your points of view on consumerism make sense. Your wife is right, materialism tends to lead to spending, and if you loathe unnecessary stuff, chances are you won't be mindlessly accumulating it. But as you said, there are plenty of good quality purchases that will save you from having to buy more things in the future.

For instance, if you two are coffee drinkers, a coffee grinder, French press, coffee maker, milk frother, and a few coffee mugs and travel thermos are all purchases that will save you thousands of dollars a year. However, they will also clutter your kitchen. Try to show your wife the financial trade-off.

Since you didn't get into specifics in your letter, I don't know what particular areas your wife's compulsive clearing out is costing you, but I suggest you begin taking inventory. Whether she is tossing valuable items simply because she doesn't recognize their function or she's failing to forecast the ways these objects will be used again later, make a list and do the math. Show her how her habit is affecting your budget.

Another shared value you could tap into is your love as a couple. If she is throwing away or donating your personal belongings, that is unkind, and considering her motive is ultimately a personal preference, she's also being selfish. Not that you should accuse her of this — those kinds of charges are rarely helpful. But I do think you should be honest with her about how her behaviors make you feel. You love this woman, so I am sure she has a good heart, and she doesn't want to hurt you.

So, it's time you told her that you feel hurt by her actions. Use "I feel" language so she doesn't get defensive. Tell her something like, "I feel sad when I'm excited about a new purchase and then find out it's been thrown in the trash." You can also say that you don't want her to suffer in a cluttered home that makes her skin crawl, but that your experience of her minimalism has been a largely negative one. Neither of you are bad people for having preferences, but you have to find a way to live together.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.