Nobody Wants This Recap: Soft Launching Judaism

We always knew Joanne and Noah were headed for this conflict. Noah’s been clear that his biggest dream is to become head rabbi once his boss retires, and he’s also known that he’ll never become head rabbi if he’s married to someone who isn’t Jewish. Well, folks, Rabbi Cohen walks into Noah’s office and completely blows up his life. He tells him that he just learned that it’s actually pronounced Zen-day-a and not Zen-dye-a. Oh, and also, he’s retiring, and he wants Noah to replace him, but he knows about Joanne, and there’s no way the board will ever approve him for the job if he stays with her. It’s mostly the second thing that blows up his life.

Not all hope is lost: Rabbi Cohen reminds Noah that Joanne could always convert. He suggests talking to her about Judaism but starts with “the fun stuff,” obviously. He is not willing to give Joanne up — guys, he likes her so, so much — and hatches a plan. The double date Joanne roped Esther into is that night — it’s dinner at Noah’s and Miriam will be there, too, but still, it is happening — so Noah enlists Sasha’s help to really sell the pros of being Jewish. Sasha is surprised his brother hasn’t already broached the subject of “the big C” with Joanne (and no, he does not know what that actually means), but he is more than happy to help “soft launch Judaism.”

Unbeknownst to him, Noah’s timing isn’t great. Joanne is riding a high over the fact that she knew about the Rebecca box for six days and never opened it. She also eventually tells Noah that she found it and how it makes her feel, and honestly, I’m proud of her. She’s proud of herself, too. “I’m so glad we’re adults,” she says to Noah. “Especially me.” Noah confirms it’s nothing to worry about — just stuff he felt bad getting rid of but also hasn’t wanted to reach out to Rebecca to take. This all sounds healthy and good, right? Well, it was healthy and good until Joanne tells her sister and mother about the box and they arrive at Noah’s place and open that baby up.

The box is full of mostly innocuous stuff, aside from the mold of Rebecca’s baby foot, but it does open up a much bigger, more intense conversation than expected. As Joanne flips out about Morgan rifling through the box because it’s an invasion of privacy and she and Noah have a “trusting, mature relationship,” and then puts her foot down about ever using any of this on the podcast, Morgan goes off on her for letting this relationship turn her into a completely different person. The old Joanne “would be balls deep in this box without any shame,” and she definitely would never put a guy over their podcast. “You’re changing everything about yourself,” she tells her. “We used to make fun of girls like you.” Joanne says that none of this is remotely true — she’s just growing up and becoming a better version of herself. She would never change for a guy.

So, you can see where Noah being on the precipice of asking Joanne to convert to Judaism and change a huge part of herself for him might become a little thorny. I mean, to prove to Morgan that she’s wrong about this, she decides she is done going out of her way to try and get people to like her, she will be wearing soft pants for dinner, and she promises to stop saying she likes basketball because she really, really does not. She’s taking a stand at the exact moment Noah is going to ask her to change her entire life.

The dinner has enough tension going into it with Esther still holding strong against being welcoming toward Joanne in any way. Her walls, however, do seem to begin to show signs of buckling a bit when Joanne does her a solid and helps convince Miriam that “Miriam takes a bite out of the Big Apple” is actually a really cool, sexy theme for her bat mitzvah. I guess it’s no Euphoria-themed bat mitzvah — that one had candy pills on the dessert table — but Joanne tells her New York has fashion and Broadway and that’s cool. Of course, Sasha has to add in his thoughts on what’s cool and sexy about New York, “it’s hot dogs, it’s pizza, it’s hookers in Times Square,” and don’t forget “they got the giant rats!” Thankfully, Miriam ignores her dad and is now on board with the theme her grandmother has forced upon her — Joanne has to score some points with Esther for that one.

While Joanne is trying to be more herself, Noah is not-so-subtly trying to hype up Judaism. He’s dropping little facts about the matriarchs of the religion and how one of them, Ruth, was a convert. After dinner, he has everyone go outside to wait for the first three stars to show up in the sky to signal the end of Shabbat, so they can perform the Havdalah ceremony. He makes sure to tell Joanne that he loves sharing this part of his life with her and loves how open and into it she is. My guy is working hard! But don’t sleep on Sasha: He’s working hard, too. When Esther asks why the hell they’re out there looking for the stars, they never do this, Sasha responds, “because it’s a super unique thing for our people, my curious little angel,” really taking his Jewish hype man role seriously. Sasha is a national hero; protect this man at all costs.

Unfortunately, once Joanne can start using her phone, she becomes completely distracted by some major news: Morgan is grabbing dinner solo and who should be sitting down at the end of the bar but Rebecca is. She sidles up to her, uses her Morgan charm to get her talking — introducing herself as Julie — and proceeds to get a bunch of information about the really emotional day Rebecca had because of her ex. She tells Joanne that apparently Rebecca and Noah have been texting a lot, that he said he’s in a relationship but “it’s not that serious,” and he saw her that day to return the box. Joanne is reeling. When she sees that the box is, in fact, gone, she takes it as confirmation that everything Morgan said is true. She confronts Noah, holding back tears. The guy is blindsided. Sure, he returned the box to her, but Joanne was the one who asked him to do that. He definitely hasn’t been texting with her because they miss each other so much. He would never do that, he tells her. He’ll even let her check his phone to prove it. Just as I’m about to scream, take a fucking breath, lady, because Noah has never been that guy, to my surprise, she does just that. She doesn’t want to look through his phone — for the first time, she doesn’t want to be that person. She trusts Noah. Hey, maybe change isn’t always bad! It’s kind of nice to watch a character grow before your eyes. She’ll always hate basketball, of course, but trusting your partner is a very mature step for our girl.

As the two of them hug and apologize and agree that the mold of the baby foot is “creepy as fuck,” Joanne realizes that there is one person who has been getting in her head about this relationship from the beginning: Morgan. She marches over to her sister’s place, furious. The two get into a huge fight. Joanne says that Morgan is lying to her to mess with her relationship because she’s never supported it. Morgan calls the relationship ridiculous, but she isn’t lying and she thinks Joanne is delusional for this guy, she’s changing everything about herself for him. “He doesn’t want me to change!” she yells at her, which, like, she’ll probably regret doing in about twenty minutes. Joanne tells her that she’s jealous and lonely because she’s finally in a healthy relationship and Morgan is “still on desperate dating apps.” The whole thing ends with a bunch of fuck-yous and door slams and it’s honestly pretty intense. What about the podcast, guys?! Just kidding. Does anyone care about that plot point anymore?

Joanne finds her way back to Noah’s, seeking comfort in his amateur basketball player-toned arms, and she tells him that he is the only thing in her life that she is 100 percent sure about. This is the moment Noah decides to ask her if she’d ever consider converting. On one hand: Now?! On the other: It’s probably smart to bite the bullet before this thing gets out of control. She takes in everything he says about his dream job, about how he wants to be with her, and she asks, “What happens if I say no?” “I don’t know,” he responds honestly. If this freaking show ends with these two broken up, well, I just don’t think my tiny heart could take it. Ahhh! Where’s Sasha with his terrible (perfect) New York accent when you need him?!