The White Sox can’t even win at losing, and fans are incensed

The South Siders defeat the Angels, narrowly avoiding a record-breaking loss, and SELL THE TEAM becomes a movement

Tonight was supposed to be the night, White Sox fans. This evening, all of your suffering, your woes, and your torment over the 2024 season was supposed to crystallize into a historic, record-breaking accomplishment.

The 2024 White Sox just narrowly avoided losing the most games in modern history.

We want them to win, and they lose. We want them to lose, and they win. Only one person is to blame for this madness.

Jerry Reinsdorf has managed to run this team into a hole so deep that it swallowed the souls and talent of some of the league’s most promising players. Grifstdorf, you refuse to engage in helpful analytics, only hire your friends, refuse to adapt to the current competitive strategies because you long for the olden days, and when failing meant falling upwards you kept making money. Your answer to the almost-worst season in modern baseball history: Cut the payroll, while begging for a billion dollars from the state, even though you’re a multi-billionaire.

Bottom line: You’re incompetent, lousy, and a cheapskate. Your ineptitude has cursed an entire team, and had a hand in ending the once-flourishing careers of now-shunned athletic superstars.

Tonight’s 37th win was a fluke. A loss would have cemented the 2024 South Siders into the annals of history. As a chronicler of the repugnant display that was this trainwreck season, there will be a deep relief felt with the team’s accomplishment, likely taking place tomorrow.

Fans aren’t happy that their team is going to break the record, but the title of “worst season ever” helps them to feel ratified. You’re still here, and you’re not out here claiming this is fun, or that the most dreadful team ever is “lovable.” You’re not naming your poor kids “Shields,” “Southpaw,” or “Thirtyfifthstreet.” It feels good to be grounded in reality, even if reality blows dicks.

And it does blow dicks. Across Chicago, many loyal fans sat back, relaxed, and strapped it down, readying their psyche for some good, old-fashioned White Sox atrocities. It seemed imminent, and even the rain participated, covering the South Side in a somber blanket of depression, delaying first pitch by a little over an hour.

This game was mostly uneventful throughout, save for a quality outing by Jonathan Cannon, who tied his record-high seven strikeouts without even hitting the 80-pitch mark. Andrew Benintendi got a hit in the first, but was stranded. Nicky Lopez shared the same fate in the second inning. And then, this.

Despite this dreadful Little League lousiness, the Angels didn’t score. They love stranding runners almost as much as the White Sox.

As soon as Cannon departed for a shaky Gus Varland, the Angels wasted no time getting on the board. Kevin Pillar walked, then stole second base, while Eric Wagaman opened the door with a line shot through the gap into center, scoring Pillar. This was the second time Guaranteed Rate Field swelled with the “SELL THE TEAM” chant. The fans almost seemed to relish the impending loss.

The booming chant returned in the eight inning, after Jack López hit his first home run in the big leagues, doubling the Angels lead, 2-0.

In the bottom of the eighth, the White Sox would rally hard. Zach DeLoach hit a ball down the line for a double. Bryan Ramos, pinch-hitting for Chuckie Robinson, echoed DeLoach with an RBI double, cutting the Angels lead by half. Lenyn Sosa, in for Jake Amaya, walked, while Ramos advanced to third base on a Nicky Lopez pop fly. And then the shit hit the fan for the Angels.

Luis Robert Jr. hit a routine pop fly, but López, still with his first-homer boner, got lazy and let the ball drop, allowing the White Sox to tie the game, 2-2.

Next thing you know, Benny poked one through the hole for his second hit of the night, and the fourth Chicago hit of the inning. The South Siders went ahead, 3-2, where the score would stay, keeping the White Sox tied for the most losses in history Fans will suffer in purgatory until tomorrow, or the next day, or the next.

The offseason is upon us, White Sox fans. We want to hold out hope that our team is going to turn it around and fire Chris Getz, acquire some solid leadership, and maybe even make some moves that will lead the team to wins, but that won’t happen under the ownership of Jerry Reinsdorf. It’s time to revolt. Let’s do it together.

Revolution Step 1: Bags

It’s simple. Wear a brown paper bag over your head if you attend a game. Be sure to cut out holes for your eyes so you can watch the White Sox lose. The bag will help to broadcast your shame to the world, and directly to the owners, on the new network home for the White Sox. Shame that grifting fuck Jerry Reinsdorf by displaying your mortification.

Revolution Step 2: “SELL THE TEAM” mass protest

Starting with Opening Day 2025, coordinate a mass movement on social media, encouraging other fans to create shirts and signs that read, “SELL THE TEAM.” If everyone does it, they can’t kick you out.

Revolution Step 3: Elotes revolución

While displaying signs and/or shirts that say, “Jerry, you make me puke,” order some elotes. Enjoy the succulent corn in the second inning, and chase it with a large dose of castor oil. When you feel the projectile vomit rising into your throat, aim for an empty seat in front of you (don’t worry, there will be plenty). If there are patrons in the seats in front of you, kindly aim your vomit elsewhere.

Revolution Step 4: Edification

Wear a Jerry Reinsdorf mask to the game and sit in the upper deck. If you can’t find a mask, wear a red clown nose. Get a bunch of fake money, and for every run scored against the White Sox, surreptitiously throw some fake cash into the air, ensuring a breeze carries it onto the field. If performed en masse, the Jerry cash toss should render no arrests.

Revolution Step 5: Sign the petition and Compel Major League Baseball to Mandate Jerry Reinsdorf to Sell the Chicago White Sox

Sign the petition here.

There is so much misery and strife in the world, even just this week, hell, just today! Trying to enact change on a large scale for the injustices we see is something many of us try to do. Change starts on a smaller scale — making sure your local vulnerable unhoused people are getting what they need, volunteering for the grassroots orgs in your neighborhood, calling your representatives and regularly speaking to your alderpeople at community meetings. We do these things because our community is important to us, and we see one another as neighbors, brothers and sisters, and part of a whole. Please, if you take the time to sign this petition, check out the other causes that resonate with you on Change.org and sign those as well. Petitions can and do enact much-needed change, and at the very least, shine a light on critical issues whose plight need an audience.

Given the state of world affairs, this petition may come across as tone-deaf to some. But it was created not because it’s important to the world, or even to the community at large, but because it’s important to my readers. As baseball-loving members of the community, you rely on your passions to entertain you. Without things like art, sports, literature, music, movies, video games, and other expressions of talent, life becomes colorless and quiet. Many rely on the baseball season to keep them on track socially, mentally, or they use that time as a vehicle for escapism, which helps them to deal with the stresses of everyday life. This season didn’t accomplish that for many (any?) White Sox fans, and the current ownership has threatened to take away your love for your favorite pastime with injurious moves to the franchise. Maybe if we’re loud enough, they’ll listen.

Finally, a heartfelt thanks to my readers. White Sox fans, my goal this season was to make you smile, even when your team lost. I wanted you to find joy in sharing the shittiest team of all time with me, your social media friends, and friends and family. I hope I succeeded. This is my final game coverage of the year. I sincerely hope we meet again next season, under better circumstances. See you at Camelback Ranch.

Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 37-120, worst season in White Sox history, worst post-1899 MLB season all-time (a game worse than the 1916 A’s) and 83 games below .500
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -319, fifth-worst 157-game start in MLB history
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 38-124 (.236)
All-Time White Sox Record (1901-2024) 9,590-9,611 (.4995)
Race to the Worst “Modern” 162-Game Record (2003 Tigers, 43-119) CLINCHED, currently five games worse than the 2003 Tigers
Race to the Worst “Modern” Record in a 162-Game Season (1962 Mets, 40-120-1) 3 games worse; need to finish 4-1 to end season 41-121
Race to the Most White Sox Losses (1970, 106) new record set (120 and counting)
Race to the Worst White Sox Record (1932, 49-102-1) CLINCHED, currently 15 games worse than the 1932 team
Race to the Worst Post-1899 Record (1916 A’s, 36-117-1) 1 game worse; need to finish season 2-3 to finish 39-123
Tragic Number of Losses to Clinch Worst Post-1899 Record 4