From calling themselves ‘dumb’ to evenings in their rooms – the signs your child is stressed & how to help them with it
CHILDHOOD is supposed to be the most carefree time of our lives.
But rising numbers of kids and teens are experiencing anxiety and stress, with mental health charity Mind estimating that one in six youngsters in England aged five to 16 has a problem.
A new report revealed more young people in England are reaching “crisis point” and being admitted to hospital for their mental health.
Natalie Costa is the founder of Power Thoughts, a coaching service that helps children to become more confident, resilient and robust.
She says: “Life for today’s kids is more fast-paced and demanding, with parents less able to shield young people from the world. They have also gone through the disruption of lockdowns and were thrown back into education full steam ahead, instead of being given time to catch up emotionally and socially.”
With the new school year under way, take Natalie’s quiz to assess your little ones’ stress levels.
Work out their score then follow her advice and help your child to banish stress from their lives.
How to tackle our quiz
SCORE 2 FOR “YES”, 1 FOR “SOMETIMES”, 0 FOR “NO”
NATALIE says: “Answer the questions by reflecting back over a few weeks – or monitor your child for a little while before you complete the questions.
“Be mindful that children at certain life stages, like teens, will have more intense and complex emotions, as well as wanting to push boundaries.
“But don’t automatically write off all changes as hormones.
“Base your answer on your child’s usual behaviour compared to now, taking into account any major incidents, like exams or a bereavement.”
Take our quiz
1. DOES your child go straight to their room after school, asking to eat dinner upstairs, and avoiding joining in with family activities such as watching TV?
2. IS your child getting angrier than usual if they are losing while participating in sports or board games with their siblings or friends?
3. AT mealtimes, does your child say they aren’t hungry, or that they don’t like things they previously enjoyed?
Alternatively, are they snacking a lot more than usual and helping themselves to food constantly?
4. IS your primary-aged child asking you to help with basic tasks they could normally tackle themselves, such as dressing or cutting up food?
5. IF you have an older child, are they scrolling social media a lot more than usual, or if they are younger and don’t have a phone, are they wanting to watch YouTube videos constantly?
6. IF one of their favourite T-shirts was in the wash when they were going to a birthday party, would they get cross and upset to a disproportionate degree compared to normal?
7. YOUR child is struggling to do a task such as some homework, reading or building a Lego model.
Do they refer to themselves as “dumb” and “stupid”?
8. AFTER school, has your child stopped speaking to you about their friends or their day?
When you ask them questions, even about favourite interests and activities, do you get monosyllabic answers?
9. IS your child or teen taking less pride in their appearance and neglecting self-care, not washing, not wanting to get their hair cut or brush their teeth?
10. ARE they complaining about going to school or trying to get out of attending, where they previously enjoyed it and didn’t make a fuss?
11. IS your child sleeping a lot more than usual, finding it hard to drop off at night or waking at strange times?
If they are younger, have they wet the bed recently?
12. HAVE they been regularly complaining about tummy ache, leg ache or headache?
13. WHEN they are due to go to a friend’s house for a playdate, attend a regular club or go to a social event that they usually enjoy, are they telling you they don’t want to leave you, or refusing to go unless you attend, too?
14. ARE they quicker to get angry with a brother or sister, or even with friends even over something small, such as taking a toy they like, or being teased?
15. HAS your child lost interest in playing and having fun?
Do they no longer want to get toys out or run around outside with a football?
Are they following you about the house instead of engaging with their siblings and peers?
Scored 10 or above? Tips to lighten the load
IF you scored nine or below, that’s great news – it sounds like your child’s mental health is in good shape.
But for scores of ten and above, they might be struggling with stress – and could need your help.
Stress might seem like an adult emotion, but in today’s challenging world, increasing numbers of children and young people are grappling with it.
Signs could be a change in appetite, sleeping more or less than usual, withdrawing from others and being more competitive with themselves.
These are behaviours a parent might write off as fussy eating, a growth spurt or puberty, when actually they are physical manifestations of their mental load.
Certain scenarios, such as forthcoming exams, a sick relative or a house move, are obvious trigger points.
But if these are not in the picture, think about other causes.
I would also try these six strategies to address the cause and symptoms . . .
LIGHTEN THEIR LOAD
REVIEW how packed their schedule is.
Does your child have a busy life and is their time tightly controlled?
While they may love their out-of-school activities, kids need space to wind down and recharge.
Too many social engagements, such as birthday parties, can be stress-inducing and over-stimulating.
Talk to them about what could be dropped and factor in regular downtime.
SWITCH OFF SCREENS
BEING online 24/7 is unhealthy, no matter what your age is.
For teens, seeing difficult world news and being bombarded with notifications they feel compelled to respond to could be a source of stress.
For younger children, gently set boundaries around access to phones and other devices, as well as social media.
Ensure they know they can open up to you or ask questions.
NOTICE THE LITTLE THINGS
MINOR issues can be a symptom of bigger problems.
If a young child has a meltdown about their breakfast, note it and discuss it later, when you’re both calm.
Use non-accusatory language, such as: “I noticed you were upset about your pancakes being wrong this morning. Is there something else going on?”
The fact you are paying attention will empower them to voice any worries – maybe concerns that they hadn’t even realised were on their mind.
Also ask them if they just want you to listen, or if they would like help to solve the issue.
Validation can be enough sometimes.
TAKE TEN
CONNECTION is your capital with kids.
Find ten minutes a day to get into their world and show an interest, completely undisturbed and present.
This will build their resilience and help you to understand their worries better.
It doesn’t need to be a heart-to-heart.
Playing a game or eating a meal together strengthens your bond, so that they feel safe to confide in you.
BREATHE IT IN
EVERYONE needs tools in their armoury for day-to-day stress-busting – kids as well as parents.
Encourage them to use movement and time in nature to decompress, whether that is dancing to music after school or taking a walk in the park.
Teach them breathing techniques to calm their body and mind when anxiety rises.
I like a simple, 16- second box breathing, which soothes the fight or flight response.
You breathe in for a count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four and relax for four.
BUILD THEIR VOCAB
THE more that small children can voice their difficulties, the easier those problems will be to tackle.
Studies show that developing emotional granularity – the ability to accurately identify and differentiate between feelings, using specific words – makes kids more resilient later in life.
Rather than encouraging your child to say, “I’m feeling stressed”, delve into how this manifests itself.
Ask them if they are jealous, overwhelmed, tired, worried – or something else entirely.