I’ve fallen out of love with my fiance and am having an affair with my best friend instead
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM engaged and my best friend is set to welcome a new baby.
We should be happy with our lots but we are having an intense affair.
My fiance is lovely. We live together and I love him but I have fallen out of love with him.
I should end our relationship but doing so would hurt him and our two children so much.
I am 36 and my fiance is 37. We have been together since our teens. We are great friends but I no longer want to be intimate with him.
My best friend and I met four years ago through our sons’ football team, where we both volunteer.
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His girlfriend is expecting their first child in three months.
One night we met down the pub to go through the season’s fixtures and on the way home, we ended up kissing passionately.
Things got out of control very quickly. I am disgusted with myself and know there is no excuse.
I have always self-sabotaged. I don’t like who I am and never have. My parents had a toxic, mentally abusive relationship.
My mum told me I was the result of a one-night stand and I couldn’t know my real dad and that he would want nothing to do with me.
I suffer from depression. My fiance is a good man but I don’t think he has ever understood me, no matter how hard I try to explain myself.
My best friend, and now lover, has been my escape. I didn’t think I would fall in love with him.
My mind is in overload. I want to be happy and be with my lover but we can’t just break it off with our current partners because we don’t want to cause that heartbreak.
I feel like I’m going crazy. My head and my heart hurt so much.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: An upbringing like yours was almost bound to leave you with an urge to self-sabotage.
In relationships, self-sabotage is when you’re actively trying to ruin things with your partner, whether consciously or subconsciously.
On some level you feel you don’t deserve happiness or love, even though you want them.
You need to get help to deal with the damage your childhood has done to you.
Then you can focus on your partner and start enjoying a stable, loving relationship which would be best for you and your children.
Make an appointment with your GP and ask about counselling. My support pack on counselling explains how it works.