I’m 30 and I’ve never had an orgasm – it makes me feel broken & my ‘icks’ drive my partner mad 

A 30-YEAR-OLD woman has confessed that she has never had an orgasm.

The woman explained that as a result, her sex life makes her feel broken, uncomfortable and icky.

As a result, she reached out to the Mamaia Sealed Section Podcast for advice.

Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten, who is passionate about helping people find their pleasure, shared her advice to the frustrated woman, and explained that communication is key.

On a recent episode of the podcast, Chantelle read out the anonymous question, which read: ‘I’m 30, I’ve never orgasmed and I don’t really like trying to but I feel like I’m broken or not doing it right. Is that bad? Should I keep trying?’

The woman continued: ‘It also upsets my partner that I can’t or don’t like trying. For example, I hate oral sex and find it really uncomfortable and icky.’

To this, Chantelle explained that it would be beneficial for the woman to have a chat with her partner about the situation. 

Chantelle advised: “First of all, what I want to say is, I think you need to have a chat with your partner about their reactions. 

“I think it would be wise for your partner to be a little more empathetic and encourage you rather than criticise you.

“I don’t think these are healthy reactions and I think it will wear you down and make you feel worse. 

“Plus, it’s not going to help you get to that orgasmic state that you’re looking for and if you’re constantly worried about them being upset with you, I just don’t find this motivational. 

“I really do believe that sex therapy will be beneficial for someone like you.”

Chantelle also suggested that it’s key for those who struggle to orgasm to re-frame what pleasure really means.

She continued: “As a sexologist, I would ask what you think orgasm means and what you think pleasure means, and understand what reactions to expect from your body when orgasm is achieved and maybe we can re-frame pleasure a little bit more. 

“I think we need to eliminate that pressure to achieve orgasm for you to get into the right zone.

“We also need to eliminate the pressure that anyone puts on you, so tell your partner that you just want to have some fun and you don’t wanna aim for any goals.

“Some people just can’t orgasm and that’s completely normal. Aiming for pleasure will help make the experience a lot more enjoyable.”

In addition to this, the sex pro explained that eliminating any worries or expectations is also key, as she added: “After we’ve started eliminating any pressures from yourself and your partner, we also need to eliminate any worries, any stresses, any anxieties, frustrations, or expectations that you might have.

“Think about what physiological factors may be impacting your motivation to try to orgasm, and your orgasmic state. Do you have performance anxiety? Let’s take the pressure off that.

“Are your stress levels high? Because stress and sex don’t mix very well.

“A lot of people who come to me and not only is there stress around sexuality quite high, but stress in their everyday life is really high, and when we have high levels of cortisol, which is the stress hormone, we are going to dampen our libido and our ability to relax in the bedroom.

Take away from this goal of orgasm. Pleasure is the goal from now on

Chantelle Otten

“We really need to be able to be present and relaxed to be able to experience pleasure or orgasm.”

Chantelle also claimed that breaking down past traumas or issues in a current relationship may help the situation.

She recommended: “Next, are there any problems in your relationship that might be impacting your sexuality activity? This is something to think about. 

“Do you have any impacts from past sexual trauma? Are there any circumstances that have made you feel uncomfortable around sexuality or around exploring your own sexuality in general? 

“Do you need guidance in knowing what to do? Or are you sexually inexperienced? Because that’s ok to admit too. None of us knew anything when we first started having sex, we had to learn as we moved forward into our erotic lives.

“Anorgasmia, which means inability to have an orgasm, can also be impacted by physical elements, such as medications, diabetes, drug and alcohol use, chronic pain conditions, certain disabilities, there may be some hormonal changes that are impacting you.”

To move forward, Chantelle advised: “Take away from this goal of orgasm. Pleasure is the goal from now on. 

“If you can take the pressure off trying to have an orgasm and just focus on having fun, that is going to help you immensely in the pressure because yes, having an orgasm is great, but it actually does take time for everyone to get familiar with their own body, and for your partner to get familiar with your body.

“What I suggest is taking some time, maybe considering some of the questions that I’ve posed here.

“I definitely think having a conversation with your partner is the first step though.”