Positive parenting, ‘beso-beso’ culture: How fighting grooming, abuse starts in the family

MANILA, Philippines – Sexual grooming may be insidious and difficult to spot, but the best place to start preventing and protection is in the family.

This was what Kitty Arce of Save The Children Philippines highlighted during an episode of Be The Good, Rappler’s community show about advocacies and campaigns, on August 30.

Grooming, or sexual grooming, is the manipulation of a target, often a child or a vulnerable person, to make them easier to abuse or exploit.

“This can be done by giving the victim gifts, money, or flattery. So, when the abuser demands something, even when feeling uncomfortable, the abused is now pressured to reciprocate the gesture by doing it out of her free will,” Arce told Rappler head of community Pia Ranada.

Grooming, as a strategy employed by abusers, has likely contributed to an increase in teen pregnancy in the Philippines. Arce, who has worked with many children and their families, said girls in impoverished families are particularly vulnerable.

“What’s problematic is the attitude towards gift-giving here in the Philippines. If parents see that their kid gets a gift from someone, they will even encourage it. That leads to teen pregnancy because we have a case of a 12 year-old girl who, according to her parents, was in love with a 33 year-old man. So they were allowed to co-habit. That’s how those things start,” said Arce.

Poverty is one reason why groomers have an easier time manipulating their victims. 

Spotting grooming can be difficult, but Arce pointed out some redflags to watch out for:

• The victim is secretive and tends to isolate themselves from family and friends
• They are receiving favoritism or special attention from someone
• They are suddenly able to afford expensive things or have been receiving expensive gifts

As many as two million young Filipinos aged 12 to 17 may have been victims of online sexual exploitation and abuse in 2021, according to a report by ECPAT, Interpol, and UNICEF Office of Research-Innocenti.

This includes instances of children being manipulated to engage in sexual activities through offers of money or gifts.

Meanwhile, government officials have raised alarm over cases of teenage pregnancies from relations with much older men, pointing to possible coercion or abuse. The Population Commission reports cases of pregnancies among girls aged 10 to 14 who were with men older than 21. The Philippine Legislators Committee on Population and Development also cites data that a majority of pregnancies among girls aged 10 to 14 and 15 to 20 in 2014 had been from older men.

What families can do

Because of how groomers target their victims, families can play a crucial role in preventing abuse.

Arce advocates for positive parenting as a simple but effective deterrent. Because the goal of groomers is to isolate the victim from friends and family in order to manipulate them easier, parents who their kids find easy to approach and talk to would be able to find out sooner if their child is being targeted.

“Positive parenting encourages good communication between child and [parent] so that children will not be afraid to report or to say things that are uncomfortable with them,” said Arce.

Save the Children Philippines is pushing for the positive parenting bill. This aims to build a stronger relationship between the parents and the kids. This bill encourages the parents to discipline their children in a more inclusive and non-judgmental approach that aims to understand, rather than punish, all kinds of behaviors.

Related to this approach is a more open way of talking about sex, that is not shameful or judemental. 

The lack of  comprehensive sexuality education in the Philippines, often due to conservative attitudes about sex, is hindering young people from understanding crucial things like “bad touch” versus “good touch,” said Arce.

This deficiency also means adolescents don’t get information on where they can access reproductive health services.

“One of the reasons why we want the adolescent pregnancy prevention bill to pass is it would also help adolescents to access health services. We need to also address the stigma among Filipinos,” said Arce.

She pointed out how some young pregnant girls would go to a health clinic and be told, “Ang landi-landi mo (You’re so flirtatious).”

Or when teenagers ask about sex, they would be told, “You don’t need to know about that.”

Arce stressed the urgency of ensuring that reproductive health services are inclusive and given to all. It’s important to give equal access to persons with disability who are “five times more vulnerable to sexual abuse,” she said.

“The programs for those with disability should not be separate from programs for those without disability,” said Arce.

Stopping ‘beso-beso’ culture

Another important role of the family is to introduce to children, at an early age, the concept of boundaries, which could help protect them from abuse.

Arce says the “beso-beso” culture in family reunions or gatherings should stop. In many Filipino celebrations, children are told to kiss guests on the cheek. For the sake of her own son, she has stopped requiring this of him.

“I will never force him to hug or kiss, because, at that stage, we’re already teaching them how to say no when they don’t feel comfortable about something,” said Arce.

Allowing children to establish boundaries, especially when it comes to how they are touched, is crucial to teaching them to protect themselves against abusers.

Save The Children Philippines has a program called Power Up Girls which aims to empower girls aged 10 to 14 years old to help them protect themselves against adolescent pregnancy and early enforced unions and marriages. In Mindanao, for example, they’ve been working with indigenous peoples groups so that IP girls are not forced into early marriages. – with reports from Thea Santos/Rappler.com