Why does my mum treat me and my sister so differently?
DEAR DEIDRE: WHY does my mum treat me and my sister so differently?
She dotes on my useless sister, while I get nothing – no affection, no financial help, no support. It feels like she hates me, and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.
I’m 32 and my sister is 29. Our mother is 60.
Throughout our childhood, my mother belittled me, telling me I was stupid and would never amount to anything.
She bought my sister lovely gifts, gave her money and endless praise.
Meanwhile, I got nothing. She didn’t encourage me at school and said I wasn’t capable of going to university – unlike my ‘super-brainy’ sister.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
Eventually, I put myself through uni as a mature student, while working, and received a first.
My mother didn’t even come to my graduation.
As for my sister, she partied her way through her degree – spending our mother’s money – and ended up with a lower second.
I now have a really good job, and a lovely partner and home, but my mother still treats me like a failure.
We’re getting married soon, and she hasn’t offered a penny. Yet she paid for my sister’s extravagant wedding.
It’s not about the money. It feels like she doesn’t love me, and never has.
I’m so sick of trying to win her affection that I am beginning to hate her.
Sometimes, I imagine her dying, and I’m not sure I’d feel anything.
Should I cut ties with her?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your mother has treated you cruelly and unfairly.
It’s possible she resents you for a specific reason – perhaps something in her past – but it’s not your fault, and doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
You could ask her to explain herself, however it’s possible she can’t, or won’t recognise her own failings. A relative might be able to shed some light.
Remember, you have made a good life for yourself in spite of your mother.
Sadly, it’s unlikely she will change now. Cutting off contact might be for the best.
It will free you from repeated hurt and rejection.
You may also find it helpful to read Difficult Mothers by T E Apter and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters by Karen Anderson.Contact Standalone (standalone.org.uk), a support organisation for people estranged from a family member.