It Never Rains

I just got back to Maryland from California where I lectured at a sea glass festival.

I’d never been to a weed dispensary in California but had forgotten my medically-prescribed pot gummies and was worried I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep. There’s a world of difference between our tightly-regulated, newly-legalized marijuana situation here in Maryland compared to the wild west of weed over there. After a brief license check by the guard at the door, I could practically hear the Willy Wonka theme as I entered what felt like the Disneyworld of pot. In Maryland I’m used to choosing between a handful of brands of my little 10mg gummies, and suddenly I was educated by a knowledgeable budtender on the new varieties of 10/10/10 THCV, and forget buying the 10mg root beer I like making floats out of, because they only come in 100mg there which would put me in a coma—everything seems to be Snoop Dogg-level stronger. And cheaper by far! Dispensaries on every block versus one per county or so here create huge cost savings; he told me about people who fly from Texas and spend $5000 at one time.

Next up are the donuts, and bakeries in general. Although there are definitely more gluten-free and vegan options, once you cull through that crunchy yawnfest and see the real stuff, it’s insane. I had a custard cronut at a place called Anna’s Bakery in Goleta that brought tears to my eyes. I’ve never cried eating food before—I returned to the bakery twice more for baby jelly donuts and apple fritters.

I’d have to stick to bakeries too, because I hate Mexican and spicy food in general so I wouldn’t last a week out west as this as “spicy” is the main food group. It’s hard to find food anywhere that isn’t influenced by their southern neighbors, and that’s great for them but like I don’t want jalapenos in my scrambled eggs and on my pizza and in a damn Oreo. I was happy to get back to East Coast diners where bland foods are the norm.

They don’t like to use the word “rain” in California. It was at times foggy, overcast and drizzling; I didn’t care—typical weather for me at around 70-75 degrees. I can’t tell you how many people kept apologizing for the weather. There’s something I as a Marylander have never done, mainly because I’m not God. But if you say to a Californian “I don’t mind a little rain” they’re like “IT IS NOT RAIN” like you’re putting a curse on them. They’ll call it fog mist, marine layer, one lady even called it “beauty mist” to me, but I guess that song “It Never Rains in California” was a commandment, because we shall not speak of rain, ever. Maybe it melts the hot peppers.

Finally, I was interested to observe the political landscape. I live on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, which is a very red zone in a blue state. On the island I live on, I’m a lonely Harris supporter surrounded by Trump signs big and small and I’m constantly reminded that I don’t fit in both because I wasn’t born on this island and because I’m “A LIBERAL,” a word the locals use as a slur. Although I did bravely fly a Pride flag in June, I wouldn’t dare put up a Harris flag for fear of (drunk, uneducated, racist, homophobic) rednecks coming onto the property late at night to remove it or worse.

But out in California it’s much quieter. I didn’t see a single political sign the entire time I was in the Santa Barbara/Ventura area. I asked about it and was told that people “don’t want to get into it” or “insult” their neighbors. Courtesy? Politeness? That’s something I can’t imagine in a place where people spend a ton of money putting up billboards on farmland, and line up 16 institutional-sized flagpole flags complete with lighting, four feet from their neighbor’s yard. I’ve always thought signs are dumb anyway. They aren’t going to change anyone’s mind. I drive around this island and see 99 and does anyone here think it will change my mind about a woman’s right to bodily autonomy, or make me vote for a senile criminal rapist and failed bankrupt moron? It won’t, any more than me putting up a Harris sign would change their mind, so what’s the point?