The Golden Bachelorette Series-Premiere Recap: Everything’s Coming Up Joan

We have walked down the primrose path of agèd love and had our hearts callously broken by whatever the hell happened between Gerry and Theresa, but now we are back! Ready once more to feel feelings for an oft-overlooked love demographic (older people) as Joan Vassos deals with a house full of men north of fifty.

Do I feel particularly ready to handle this show as someone whose dad remarried in his eighties, and to a genuinely excellent person? Yes! I do! Love for all, and let’s make sure to include people who still want it in their final decades (their golden years, she added cleverly).

We open on Joan gently selecting jewelry as Kacey Musgraves’s “Rainbow” plays. Sold. Joan was married to her husband John for thirty-three years, until he passed away from pancreatic cancer. John made life fun and made her feel visible every day, so these are going to be Joan’s key points when measuring The Men. I really hope that Joan requested that Phil Collins play during her intro because otherwise, it’s very much inviting the viewer to confusedly ask, “Is that … Phil Collins?” and I don’t know why the show would want us to do that.

Let’s meet these men! Joan is doing so in a very sparkly dress. 10/10 for the sparkle level. She is starting out with twenty-four men, which is so many, but that number will be winnowed down to eighteen tonight, if I counted correctly. Okay, here we go!

The men who get into packages in the first half are Kim, the Navy Captain; Jonathan, the Handsome Iowan Charles Not in Charge; Keith with the Station Wagon; and Mark, Who Is Kelsey’s Dad. First out of the limo, though, is Pascal, the French Salon Owner, who says he’s from Chicago. Living in Chicago, I immediately looked up Pascal’s Salon, and while it’s in the suburb of Glencoe and not Chicago (the median household income in Glencoe is $228,750), it is, as you might suspect, quite a lot. Pascal adds something to the house, and I would like him to stick around for a few weeks.

We also meet people like Chock, an insurance executive from Wichita. Chock offers Joan chicken noodle soup upon their first meeting, and I can’t believe they make the leads do shit like eat strangers’ soup on this show. I have literally never seen them say no. They just have to “year of yes” whatever happens. Also Chock later talks about how he respects Joan’s “family values,” so now I side-eye him. I don’t TRUST you, Chock.

Other non–video package people include Bob the chiropractor, who says he died when he was struck by lightning, which, good lord; Gary, the retired finance exec, who is either the Susan or the April of this season; Guy the Doctor, whom Joan is clearly very into; and Jack, another Chicagoan. Jack is a caterer and is here for his personality, which is very “wandered onto set from a nearby tailgate.” Jack introduces himself by singing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” telling you most of what you need to know about Jack (this is not a slam on Jack; I need 200 percent more Jack on this show). Jack says the dress Joan has on is “freakin’ hot” and comes into the mansion asking if someone said bourbon. I’m usually very sternly disapproving of the cast members who are here for chaos, but almost everyone is in their sixties, and the most raucous it gets in episode one is when they all play no-rules pickleball.

Among the video package people, Kim says things like, “There’s no shortage of stallions in the stable,” which I hate. Also, I don’t know the navy dress code, but sir, do not wear short sleeves to this event. Jonathan is SO handsome and talks to Joan a lot about how he connected with her on feeling invisible, which is bonkers, because again: so handsome. Charles L. gets my first tears of the episode when he talks about his wife, who passed away after thirty-six years of marriage. I will die for Charles. Keith’s chyron is “Girl Dad.” He explains that he has been the sole parent of his kids for the last twelve years, and he and his wife separated because of addiction issues. Keith drives in in a station wagon, which smacks of cursed Garrett and his minivan, but Keith will hopefully be better than Garrett. The bar’s not high.

Then lastly, it’s Mark! The show is not hiding that Mark is going to go far, which makes sense, because he looks like a lumberjack, and Joan seems like she’d be into that. I know nothing else about him, because I do not remember Joey’s season anymore. He later says that talking with Joan is like putting on a fresh pair of sweats right out of the dryer. Maybe leave the analogies to someone else, Mark.

The first episode of The Bachelor franchise (barring Bachelor in Paradise) always operates in the following order of events: intros, one-on-ones, first impression rose, elimination round. The one-on-ones are fine. We learn that Joan is going to highlight the word “adventure” a lot, which, noted for my scanning of these men. She seems to like Dan from Naples, Florida. Dan seems nice enough, but he looks like the senator who tries to ban mutants in X-Men. Gary sets up two phones, and they talk to each other side by side. I love Gary.

Jack is drunk (obviously) and wanders the mansion, saying there’s a little cove everywhere and he’s hyped to get into the pool. Jack’s tour of the mansion is my favorite part of the entire two hours. In a very Chicago moment, he says, “I can tell you right now, we got about seventy-two candles up there.” Meanwhile, Charles is impressed by the kitchen and that it’s all real, which I can only take to mean that he thought they would be on a film set. I would love some kind of buddy comedy with Jack and Charles. I might be able to handle only one episode before Jack milkshake ducks himself, but what an episode it would be.

Joan grabs the first impression rose and has to walk by every single man in the house in order to find Keith. She loves that he made her feel safe, and says to the camera that she hasn’t felt that way since John passed away. On night one, too! What about Gerry, Joan!

Before we get to the rose ceremony, Jesse wheels a TV in like it’s fifth period, and the men all watch videos sent by their families, mostly from their children. Fun Gary starts crying when he talks about his daughter and grandson, and this is the second crying moment for me. Damn this show.

It’s almost dawn and we’re starting the rose ceremony. Natascha said it on Golden Bachelor, but can we please get chairs for these people? Have they not labored enough during their past six decades on this earth? Now they have to stand for hours in their fancy shoes? Whatever, the show will not cave on this point. Okay, the people getting roses are: Dan, Jonathan, Mark, Guy, Charles K., Gil, Gary, Pascal, Chock, Kim, Christopher, Gregg, Charles L., Jordan, Bob, Michael, and JACK gets the final rose. I yelled (in a happy way).

In the season preview, we see scuba kissing, tuxedo kissing, bowling, kickball, old men in swimsuits, more of Jack, Vegas, Joan tells Mark I love you (!), Guy tells Joan that he’s fallen for her (!), and I am very excited for this whole season.

Golden Bachelorette Scoring

Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games” system of points, I will be doling out 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.

• 10 Points: To Charles K. for basically doing the Willy Wonka fake-out with the cane.

• Gold Star: To Jack for his candle estimate.

• Thumbs-Up: To the horse that ran away from David and the producers.

• Pushed into a Chocolate River: Mark, for saying Joan is like a fresh pair of sweats. Honestly, sir, what were you thinking?