No Thank You Very Much I Am Okay

Political canvassers go door-to-door to make sure that you show up to the polls this November. If you’re like me, you’d prefer to avoid those awkward interactions. You already know who’s getting your vote, and nothing short of a wad of cash payment will change your mind. But canvassers still have a job to do, so below are tactics to help avoid or at least minimize the annoyance of those engagements.

Prepare in Advance: “No Soliciting” stickers placed on your front door are often effective in keeping canvassers away, but what if the canvasser disrespects your wish to be left in peace? The best bet is to let your lawn and garden become overgrown (if neighbors complain, explain that you’re “re-wilding,” which will make you seem like a progressive person, satisfying neighbors who care about that ignorant horseshit). This will make it appear as though no one’s home. An additional tactic is to place meat in and around the home as it proceeds in its decomposition process. Downside: you’ll have to smell the decaying meat, too. Don’t worry about neighbors calling the authorities. This is unlikely, as many wouldn’t bother.

Hide in a Corner and Cry: My paternal grandfather liked to remind me that “people will gut you for 10 cents.” Humans are frightening and dangerous, so this is the safest approach for those terrified shut-ins who work from home and haven’t felt the warmth of the sun since before the Covid lock-downs. A knock on the door could be anyone, even a person who wants to speak about politics. Wait it out. Weep. Eventually they’ll give up and go away.

Make Your Cat Answer the Door: Why do you have a cat? He’s furry and adorable, and occasionally murders the bugs that break in, but what has your cat really done for you? You feed the little fellow special treats, play laser dot with him, and buy him toy mice with the catnip already inside, and how does he repay you? He coughs hairballs into your shoes, scratches furniture, and ruins your mini-blinds. It’s time he starts pulling his weight. When the canvasser knocks, have your cat answer it. Just imagine yourself in the canvasser’s position. She won’t know what to do. Eventually, the canvasser will leave, and more importantly, she will have a fun story to tell her cat when she gets home after a long day of interrupting other people’s Highlander time.

Be a Raging Psychopath: This one’s risky. It’s best for people who look intense and have massive, drug-fueled muscles. If you fit that description, answer the door in breathless rage. The canvasser will begin their spiel, at which point you will interrupt him with loud noises resembling proper human speech in a real language, but in fact are more like rabid animal sounds which make no sense. But you must ask another question: do you really want to be mean?

Lie: Lying’s often a good tactic for human interactions. So how can lying be employed to save time and get the canvasser to leave? Imagine you’re a registered Democrat, but you’re wavering in your support for Harris (you think she dances bad, her laugh creeps you out, the prospects of a nuclear holocaust scare you). Don’t express your reservations to the canvasser.

Canvasser: Hello, I’m with the Harris Campaign. I’m going door-to-door to make sure we get enough support on Election Day. Can we count on you?

You: Yes. Harris is a great dancer and her laugh is jubilant and not disingenuous or creepy. Nuclear holocaust is good. I want to be her best friend.

Canvasser: Great. I’ll mark you as a supporter. Thank you.

You: I love Harris and radiation sickness. I think you’re the best person.

Canvasser: Bless your heart and have a nice day!

See how easy that was? Not only did you avoid weird political talk, mostly gibberish and irrelevant, but you made the canvasser feel special.