When circumstances make you feel excluded, here’s what you can do

Q. My husband suffered a stroke and has limited movement and speech, requiring 24-hour care. Prior to his stroke, we led a very active social life having dinners with many couples. Since his incapacitation, I find I am no longer invited to these dinners. It seems no one wants the extra woman, even an older one. Is this common? And what can I do about it? I do feel left out. H.L.

Feeling left out can occur at any age. Many of us may recall not being chosen for a team in grammar school, not being invited to a party in high school or not receiving an expected wedding invitation. Feeling left out can occur among women who are alone or feel alone. These women may be widowed, divorced, single and more. Note, it also can occur among men.

A research study in Australia suggests that almost twice the number of older adults experience social exclusion compared to other age groups. Yes, this is Australia, yet it also may be applicable in the U.S. 

We know that feeling socially left out can lead to both loneliness and isolation. They are different yet can occur at the same time. Loneliness is the distressing feeling of being alone. Social isolation is the lack of social contacts and having few people to interact with regularly. 

Psychologist Bella DePaulo writes in “Psychology Today” that one reason for such exclusion is that coupled status may make couples feel superior to single people and more prestigious than spending time with single folks. 

Here are a few other reasons: 

Habit. Some couples who have been meeting for years are just used to doing the same social activities as always.

Unaware. Couples and the individuals who make up the couples may not fully grasp what it means to either lose a mate, care for one with limitations and the social challenges that may confront older women (and men) in later life. For some, it’s easier not to think about it.

A threat. Although it may seem illogical, the host(s) may feel threatened by an extra woman. 

Accidental exclusion. The host may have sent an invitation and it got lost or they forgot to send it. 

Privacy concerns. Perhaps someone is discussing a private matter and doesn’t want to share it with others. 

An exercise that might be uncomfortable is to do a quick self-check. Ask yourself a few questions: Did I unintentionally insult someone in the group? Did I focus mostly on myself or was I controlling? Did I do something untrustworthy or misread a situation? Likely, your answer is “no” to each question. It is important to remind yourself that you may have been excluded for something that has nothing to do with you.

So, what action can you take? 

Have a conversation. Consider having a conversation with someone from your social group. Share your thoughts and feelings. Also, consider a conversation with someone who is not involved. Gain their perspective. 

Take the initiative. Substitute inclusion for exclusion. Extend an invitation to one or several members of the group for a social activity. Perhaps it’s a lunch or dinner. 

Make new friends. Reach out to someone with whom you haven’t spent much time. Engage in a new hobby, participate in a faith-based community, volunteer, take a class or join a walking group. 

Move on. Get over it. Older adults are known to be highly adaptive. Intentionally create your new social community and be the owner of your story. 

The situation you describe reminds me of what is called the “invisible women’s syndrome.” This is when age and gender intersect and don’t lead to a good outcome. It’s feeling invisible when folks push past you in line or when salespeople ignore you or keep you waiting for no good reason. It can occur when beauty is acquainted with youth or excluding older women in relevant research studies. As noted in a recent Washington Post headline, “Older women are being significantly shortchanged by medical research.” 

An added thought: As a solo woman (or man) creating a new social circle, it helps to be both interesting and interested. That’s ageless. 

For those of us who are fortunate to have a social community or network, let’s look around and take notice. If you know an older woman who feels alone, extend an invitation for coffee or a walk. You may make a new friend. We all have a role to play as part of a supportive community. 

Thank you, H.L., for your good question. My guess is that there are many women with similar experiences. Stay well and be kind to yourself and others. 

Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulAgingCommunity