The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Project Runway
There are many things to love about Emily Simpson: she is right in almost every argument, never turns down a biscuit, and slays the hell out of a one piece. But this episode took Emily from someone I’ve always liked to one of my top Housewives of all time. She sits Alexis Jesus Juggs Bellino down, tells her the truth, and tries to find compassion for one of her castmates.
“It just seems like it’s getting dirty, and it’s getting salacious, and it’s getting mean,” Emily tells Alexis about her and John Janssen’s relentless quest to humiliate Shannon Storms Beador on national television and international streaming services. A Real Housewife telling another Housewife that it’s getting mean and they should knock it off? I have never, and I thought I would never, but now that I have, I think I will need a lot more of the women sticking up for their friends.
Bravo has done Shannon so dirty this entire season Andy Cohen must have been listening to old Christina Aguilera albums when he did the casting. The only other time I can think of when an old cast member was unnecessarily brought back to humiliate a current cast member is when someone said Brandi Glanville’s name three times during season 10 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills so that she could embarrass Denise Fucking Richards with tales of their illicit hookup. In both cases, it has nothing to do with the story, group dynamics, or the show.
I’ve talked week after week about how JJ Squared’s plan is failing miserably, and this week, they made it worse once again. Shannon says she offered John the full $75,000 he’s suing her for as long as he would sign a non-disparagement clause, and he refused. That confirms what we’ve always suspected — that this was never about money, it’s always been about revenge. We can’t take it out on John, however, because he’s still too much of a coward to show up on camera. Instead, he just shows up as a voice on the phone, like Charlie from Charlie’s Angels, but he only has one buxom agent and she’s so dumb she got a “John 3:16” on her SATs.
When Alexis calls him, he says, “It’s amazing that people think Alexis and John are scheming how to hurt Shannon.” Really? You think it’s amazing, because we have no evidence that you have done anything to the contrary. The whole thing seems planned, manufactured, and malicious, and I think it’s a bit mean-spirited of Bravo to help them participate in this. As Emily said, it’s getting dirty, salacious, and mean, and it does not make anyone think badly of Shannon.
In fact, it’s making us think even worse of Alexis than we already did. “It’s not just her side of the story; it’s not everyone feeling bad for Shannon,” Alexis tells Emily, except that it is. We’re all feeling horribly for Shannon, so horribly that we’re forgetting her part in this breakup. Part of that is because John and Alexis aren’t offering an alternative version of the story. They’ve talked about these videos and how drunk Shannon was, but otherwise we’re getting nothing, not about how she lied about John or what she might have done to drive John to this point. Shannon is the only one offering a side of the story, and all the collective Js are offering is vitriol.
We’ve had Shannon on our screens for almost a decade at this point. We know she’s not blameless. She never takes accountability for anything, including drunkenly battering her car into someone else’s house. She can never be wrong, she can never say sorry, she can never see how she might be accountable for the terrible things that happen in her life. We know Shannon calls her castmates wasted and says all sorts of things she doesn’t remember in the morning. We know she’s a bad friend, particularly to Tamra, and never asks about other people’s problems because she’s too busy slurring about hers. We know all of this, and we still feel bad for Shannon. JJ Squared is doing such a bad job building their case we’re actually forgetting Shannon’s worst bits because of them.
Alexis tells Emily, “I’ve been fucked over bad in this too.” Fucking how? Alexis met a “good, Christian man” with whom she is in love and got back a berth on the show. How has she been screwed over? What exactly has Shannon done to Alexis other than exist that has screwed her over? I’m sure Shannon has done plenty of horrible things to John, both in their relationship and afterward, but those aren’t things that happened to Alexis. Also, we haven’t seen those things. We haven’t even heard about those things, so the things that Shannon did to John are still hypothetical to the point that they are a concept of a plan.
Because it seems like nothing negative has happened to Alexis, I hate this idea that the other women think they need to support both of these women. Tamra literally says Alexis needs as much support as Shannon. For what? Because she has a great man that she loves and the two of them are terrorizing his ex for reality television clout? Her enormous rack might need support, but she doesn’t. She needs admonishment, which is why I’m glad Emily went to her room to deliver that message.
After Emily has this little talk with her, Alexis decides that she would rather skip dinner than sit at the same table as Shannon and not take swings at her. Does Alexis have nothing else to say? She’s with these women, some of whom she’s known for years, and she can’t think of one single other thing to say? I have a feeling that Alexis, Shannon, and Tamra could spend the running time of a Martin Scorsese movie trash-talking Jim Bellino. Why not go for that? Then Alexis complains she had to spend 13 hours in her room because of Shannon. No, it was because of John that she got sat out, and I will give her five hours at most — you don’t get credit for the hours you would otherwise be sleeping.
The next day, Shannon and Alexis still need to be kept apart, so Heather takes Jenn, Katie, and Shannon for a “forest bath,” which is like a sound bath but with more grass and wetter asses. Poor Shannon is coughing up a lung, and it looks like she got shagged in a bush backward. Too bad because Ms. “I Put Crystal In My Foundation” Beador loves nothing more than this woo-woo bullshit.
She can barely enjoy it because Katie still wants to talk to Heather about calling the paparazzi. I need to remind you all that, in this household, we believe three things: Lea Michele can’t read, JD Vance married Jennifer Convertible, and Heather Dubrow called those paps. What makes me the angriest about this whole fight is that if Heather just copped to it, we wouldn’t still be here, but instead, we have Katie and Gina both currying her favor.
Anyway, Katie tries to have the conversation with Heather again, and she once again waves her off, saying she doesn’t want to go backward. Katie says that Heather is treating her like something disposable and she is absolutely right. Heather doesn’t have to like what Katie has to say, she might even be tired of it, but her job on this show is kind of to let everyone get in their plights and gripes. Just let her get it out so we can never talk about it again.
Katie complains about this to Tamra, who brings it up with Heather. Tamra also adds that Gina told Katie that Gina believes Katie but she has to be nice to Heather to keep her real estate contacts. This all happens right before the runway show they do to benefit Family Equality, a lovely organization that deserves better than Heather Dubrow’s parade of leather blazers. (I did like that one sparkly skirt, though.)
The next day, after a bike ride that no one wants to go on, Katie brings it up at lunch, and Gina freaks out, saying that she’s a liar, she never told Katie any of this, blah blah blah. I don’t get what the disconnect is here because I don’t think that Katie is lying, but I also don’t think that Gina would say these things. It seems like a lot is being misinterpreted, repeated, amplified, and misconstrued. Also, Tamra Aloysius Judge seems to be in the middle of all of this, which makes total sense. Katie then says that Gina said she liked Heather and helped her with her business, which seems innocuous if said in a moderate tone.
I just don’t know how we’re still in this fight or how it got so totally away from Katie, who I like and who seems authentic despite the evidence to the contrary. At the end of lunch, all three decide this is stupid, to put it behind them, and, like Katy Perry’s attempted comeback, to never speak of it again. Thank Jesus. Heck, thank Jesus Juggs because I can’t hop on this particular teacup ride again.
One feud that won’t be ending anytime soon is the one between Shannon and Alexis. After the fashion show — where Emily was feeling a little hefty because she was put in an oversized blazer and had to wear her own jeans — the women try to get Alexis and Shannon to have a discussion. They want them to clear the air for the rest of the group. I wish Shannon had used her classic line, “Read between the lines,” and flashed them with her three middle fingers because that is what this plan deserves. First of all, Alexis shouldn’t even be there. Second, why should Shannon try to make amends with the woman who is helping someone sue her and humiliate her on a grand scale? Screw absolutely all of that.
Shannon could have just told the other women no, but she doesn’t. She struts right over to Alexis and tells her to her face she has no interest in speaking to her. Shannon screws herself up, puts her ass on top of her tea kettle, and marches out of that fashion show with her head held high and her dignity lessened, but still with her as a piece of toilet paper stuck on her shoe. Shannon has to go to the airport, so a black SUV awaits her. She opens the back door and stares out of the window in defiance, her eyes like little embers burning through the night as she keeps the venue in her sight until it has faded away to nothing but a blurry speck somewhere out of a frosted window. Shannon then kicks off her heels, pulls her legs close to her chest, and sobs so hard that her face vibrates, her body heaves, her seat shakes, and even the car itself lurches and lumbers like someone had slashed its tires.