This Is Going to Ruin the Tour

+1 Point

Manson moves: In Dancing for the Devil: The 7M TikTok Cult, which dropped on Netflix May 29, director Derek Doneen details how sisters and TikTok stars Miranda Derrick and Melanie Wilking were torn apart by a management company that allegedly isolates its clients from their families and pushes them to attend founder Robert Shinn’s church. The doc, which shot up to No. 2 in Netflix’s Top 10, proved that among all the fearmongering about TikTok, there are some real horror stories to come from the app.

(Not) For You Page: Speaking of, on June 7, New York passed legislation that will prohibit social-media platforms, including TikTok and Instagram, from serving algorithmically recommended content to users under the age of 18, which means I’m gonna have to go one by one showing them this video of a llama named Shakira myself.

Netflix House party: Have you ever wanted to experience Squid Game in real life? No? Well too bad. It, along with a number of other Netflix IP-themed experiences, are coming to Netflix House —a newly announced Netflix mall of sorts. These two locations, neither of which include a movie theater, will land in Dallas, Texas, and King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, in 2025, according to a June 20 announcement. Like the streaming service, I imagine family and friends will have to pay extra <3.

Hawk it to ’em: There’s a whole other side of the internet out there, one where Barstool Sports and man-on-the-street interviews reign supreme. Their new leader? Haliey Welch, who went viral in a June 23 YouTube video when asked for a move that makes men go crazy in bed. “You gotta give ’em that ‘hawk tuah’ and spit on that thang,” she replied — and just like that, she’s onstage singing with Zach Bryan and getting signed to worldwide management.

Paul vs. POTUS: On June 13, Donald Trump appeared on Logan Paul’s podcast — which is actually my sleeper-agent activation phrase, and I haven’t been the same since.

+2 Points

Glen the Gullible

Props to my little sister’s friend who told her this dating story…I’ve been telling this for years. I’m questioning my whole life now…

False alarm.

Back rubs are back. https://t.co/LhdeBjRJRc

— Glen Powell (@glenpowell) June 11, 2024

Glen Powell is sorry for believing women, I guess. The Hit Man actor joined TikTok star Jake Shane’s podcast, Therapuss, on May 22, which should have been the wildest part of this sentence. But alas, he then went on to spread cannibal misinformation. Crediting the story to “a friend of his sister’s,” he earnestly shared what the extremely online immediately recognized as creepypasta — fake horror stories that make the rounds on the internet. Here’s how it went: His sister’s friend claimed to have gone on a date with a man who gave her a massage, only to learn the oil he used was supposedly for breaking down human skin for consumption. When she called the police, they found bodies in the date’s home. It’s terrifying, for sure, but so painfully fake even Snopes has a page for it. On June 10, Powell acknowledged this mistake, tweeting that “I’ve been telling this for years. I’m questioning my whole life now.” Catch him on Armchair Expert next week warning people about Slenderman.

Why It’s a 2: There’s something admittedly charming about America’s latest leading man being so pure he’s never even seen a sub-Reddit, but sorry, Glen Powell— this meme is still your legacy.

The Smallest Dick Who Ever Lived

While filming and recording was prohibited at a live showing of the Cancelled podcast at the end of May, good old-fashioned word-of-mouth spread the news that co-host Tana Mongeau called out fellow internet personality Cody Ko for sleeping with her when she was just 17 years old. According to Rolling Stone, when asked about the “smallest dick” she’s ever had sex with, Mongeau attributed it to Ko, who was 25 at the time. “I can say that, I was literally 17,” she added.

The age of consent in California is 18, and given how male creators taking advantage of younger female creators isn’t exactly uncommon, the accusation spread throughout TikTok and Reddit, where fans of Ko are particularly conflicted about how to move forward. Ko, who recently welcomed his first child with wife Kelsey Kreppel, has yet to comment on the allegation, but Mongeau shared more in a June 17 episode of Cancelled: “To be 100 percent truthful, when I look back at the Cody situation, I definitely am, like, ‘Why was he doing that?’”

Why It’s a 2: Ko and Mongeau are both well-established creators with significant overlapping followings. The allegation has created a schism within the community, with some accusing Mongeau of lying based on her unreliable past, and others trying to figure out how to distance themselves from Ko, who they feel they grew up with. As with every cursed thing on the internet, blame Vine for starting it all.

+3 Points

Tradwife troubles

Not unlike the interior-design drama that went down last year, it all kicked off on ASMR cooking TikTok this month when creator Onezwa Mbola seemed to accuse Nara Smith of copying her videos. Smith exploded in popularity this year for making everything from ketchup to gum from scratch, often in full glam, for her equally swanky husband, model Lucky Blue Smith. The two surpassed even Jett and Pookie as TikTok’s power couple, coining the now oft-mocked “my husband was craving” format.

Mbola, on the other hand, lives a more down-to-earth existence in South Africa, making videos about cooking and homesteading and issues like regenerative farming. However, in a now-deleted video from the week of June 10, Mbola announced she’d be taking a step back from content creation after watching “a very, very popular content creator” use her ideas “for months.” It appears to be a boba-tea video from Smith that pushed Mbola to the edge, having posted her own, similar video two days prior. According to screenshots, Smith denied the allegations by saying she had never seen Mbola’s videos, but other screenshots appear to show Smith commenting on Mbola’s content calling her “so inspiring.” The last we heard on the saga was Mbola claiming Smith was threatening to sue her, but a representative for Smith denied this to the Cut, and accused the letter Mbola posted of being fabricated. In other words: from scratch.

Why It’s a 3: This is less a story about who copied whom and more about whom the algorithm chooses to uplift. With over 8 million followers, Smith rocketed to virality this year and regularly receives tens of millions of views on her videos, while Mbola’s more earthy — but just as impressive — content has brought her a little over 600,000. While Smith is living in Los Angeles, Mbola lives in South Africa and is therefore ineligible to make money from the Creator Fund. In many ways, who got the Interview magazine feature, brand deals, and mainstream success, came down to an algorithmic coin toss.

Court-ship

A new Challenger has stepped onto the court. Broadway dancer Tilly Evans-Krueger described a six-year relationship and how she hasn’t “felt that way since” with on-the-street interview series Dose of Society back in December 2023, but her interview gained new virality this month when people realized she was likely talking about actor Mike Faist. In the segment, she’s asked if she’s ever been in love.“I think I might be still in love,” she says, and doesn’t rule out the possibility of getting back together. The pair attended the 2017 Tonys together, and it’s unknown if Faist is dating anyone now, so aside from Art and Tashi, this is the internet’s new favorite love story.

Why It’s a 3: Sorry, cinephiles, the lore of this interview, which got around 4 million views on X, is mostly for Broadway nerds. Do not tell Patrick.

+4 Points

Noble intentions

When influencer Monet McMichael and former Love Island USA contestant Jalen Noble finally hard-launched their relationship back in April 2023, the internet was nothing but celebratory. A year later, however, it appears some viewers are souring on the relationship. It all came to a head thanks to Noble’s May 6 appearance on the Don’t Trip, We Got U podcast (it’s always a podcast). A clip started going viral on June 6, in which Noble laments the expectation for men to be “providers,” especially “in today’s economy.” His complaint seemed to be rooted in a misconception that women are the ones responsible for this dynamic, instead of structural issues like patriarchy. But other commenters had their own takeaways: “After this we know Monet is his mommy.”

The whole incident confirmed some followers’ suspicions that Noble is coasting on McMichael’s success, and they began imploring her to stand up and do better. However, the couple brushed the haters off on June 18 by lip-syncing Sabrina Carpenter’s “Please Please Please” — but it was too late. In the words of Carpenter, that motherfucker has already embarrassed you.

Snark attack

Creator Lily Chapman has been open about having an alleged online stalker, but it wasn’t until June 3 that she shared the full story with years of receipts. In a series of videos created to promote her new “cancel me” merch, Chapman highlights accusations borne from snarkers on Reddit that then became accepted narratives, like that she’s pro-bullying and harasses homeless people. She shared how out-of-context videos and bad-faith readings were weaponized by snarkers, who harassed her friends and attempted to interfere with her brand deals — all while she was pregnant.

Why It’s a 4: Were you just on TikTok, you would have never known this chaos was going down. The drama could have lived and died on Reddit, but Chapman brought it to TikTok to highlight a problem that’s all but universal for female creators but almost never talked about in public.

+5 Points

Cat fight

If beloved TikTok pets aren’t ruining my afternoons by tragically passing away, then beloved TikTok influencers are doing it by tragically neglecting their pets. Rhegan Coursey, a 22-year-old who became popular during the pandemic for her transition videos, denies the allegations from her former housemates that she allowed her cat, Sevyn, to starve or get sick until it eventually had to be put down. However, at least two creators who once lived with her in a content house have publicly made this claim, and redditors have been gathering evidence of Coursey’s cat supposedly looking malnourished as well as comments Coursey made in previous videos that suggest the cat didn’t get the care it needed. While these events happened three years ago, it’s only this month that housemates began coming forward. One claimed he, himself, had been the one to take Sevyn to the vet while Coursey was out of town but initially chose to tell her the cat had run away instead of the truth — that she ultimately had to be put down. If you don’t value your mental health at all, Reddit has a full timeline here.

Why It’s a 5: Three-year-old drama from a content house (#TBT) is not typical FYP fodder in 2024, but niche sub-Reddits are nothing if not persistent. If you’ve been spared, keep it that way.

Keeping it brief

This might be the definition of “you had one job.” In the case of influencer Julia Havens, it was to link her Instagram followers to Cozy Earth’s new sweat sets. Instead, on June 13 she linked to the instructional brief provided to her by the brand, which included things like encouraging her to make the legally required ad disclosure “shrunk down and hidden” and to refer to the product as “responsibly sourced” instead of “environmentally friendly.” FYI, this is the link you were looking for.

Pony up

No, I have a rare Przewalski’s horse that just showed up at my ranch! IDK, I just wanted to feel included. On June 9, Lazy B Equine Rescue over in Utah posted that a possible Przewalski’s horse — an extremely ancient, rare, and endangered horse that is closely monitored by conservationists — was surrendered to its ranch. Debate raged in the comments over if the horse in question is actually a Przewalski’s or something more common like a hinny. The rescue sent out DNA for testing, which can take weeks. Within two days, however, the story had taken a weird turn. On June 11, another ranch posted that it had also rescued a Przewalski’s, named Shrek, and that DNA confirmed his breed.

The coincidence of this was too much for some viewers, whose skepticism pushed the second ranch to turn off their comments, prompting suspicion that its story might not be entirely truthful. Others felt the ranch should hand Shrek over to a zoo or conservation group, given that his endangered nature means he requires special care. While the first ranch waits for the results, it’s named its possible Przewalski’s “Fiona” in homage to this coincidence. Shrek and Fiona, two far-flung lovers so destined to be together, not even wild horses could keep them apart. Or — wait. Hmmm.

Why It’s a 5: Five is basically the number of Przewalski’s horses that are actually out there (okay, it’s 1,900, but still close).

So, how online were you this month?

0–15 POINTS: Kinda plugged in. 

You believed Glen Powell’s creepypasta and couldn’t believe Netflix hasn’t done a true-crime doc on it. Thank God you’re old enough for algorithms, because they’re your best hope for ever knowing what is going on. However, I’m gonna break it to you gently: You’re too old to be this excited about Netflix House.

16–30 POINTS: Above-averagely online. 

You’ve been known to lurk a snark sub-Reddit or two, although you’ve (rightly) never felt it necessary to contribute. You now consider yourself an expert on Przewalski’s horses but are staying way out of the Nara versus Onezwa debate.

31–44 POINTS: Irreparably internet damaged.

You are in the dancing cult.