Harriette Cole: My girlfriend hasn’t realized I’m gay. How do I break it to her?
DEAR HARRIETTE: Planning to tell my girlfriend about me being gay feels like stepping into an emotional unknown.
We met through a mutual friend two years ago, and I was drawn to her beauty from the beginning. After a year together, she doesn’t know about my past with guys.
Lately, I’ve been feeling more attracted to men again, and even though I appreciate our genuine bond, my feelings for her have become more platonic. I would like to keep her in my life, but not in a way she is used to.
How do I explain this to her when I’m still figuring it out myself?
— Sexually Confused
DEAR SEXUALLY CONFUSED: It’s too bad that you weren’t upfront with your girlfriend about your sexual history before you two became intimate, but here you are.
Though this will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, it is necessary — especially if you are considering becoming sexually intimate with a man now or while you are with her. This would be true, by the way, if you decided you wanted to be sexually intimate with another woman, provided the two of you hadn’t already set boundaries on your relationship that allowed for multiple partners.
Be honorable in this situation. Let your girlfriend know that your feelings for her are real, but that you have discovered that your interest in men has not waned. As you are figuring out your life, you wanted to be honest with her.
Moreover, it sounds like you would prefer not to be her intimate partner anymore. Explore whether you two can be friends now, or perhaps you will need to give her space and possibly rekindle your friendship in the future.
The way you handle this can make space for the two of you to maintain a bond, even if it is not right away.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my friend to make me a crocheted laptop bag. We agreed on a price for labor and materials.
She has now finished the item, and all my money has been budgeted. I thought the bag would be finished later, but it was completed earlier than expected. I initially intended to give her a tip or something extra, especially since she included another freebie item, but due to my tight budget, I cannot afford to do so.
Is it OK not to give a tip to a friend? I hope I did not come across as rude or unappreciative.
— Friend’s Fee
DEAR FRIEND’S FEE: To my knowledge, it is not common for one to add a tip to a negotiated price for goods.
There is no reason for you to feel unappreciative or inadequate if you have the funds to pay the price you agreed to pay.
What you can do is spread the word. Tell others about your friend’s handiwork. Encourage them to hire her to make something special for them.
However, don’t tell them the price you were given. Instead, direct them to her. She may have given you a special discount and will offer a different price to others. Let her handle that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.