Harriette Cole: My brother is a musical success, and now he thinks I don’t understand him
DEAR HARRIETTE: Growing up, my relationship with my brother was incredibly close.
We were inseparable, bonding over our shared love for sports, especially basketball. Those moments playing together in our backyard are some of my fondest memories.
However, as we grew older, life took us on different paths. I pursued a career in marketing, while he followed his dream of becoming a musician, and he’s found great success in his field.
Lately, I’ve noticed our small talks often end in misunderstandings and disagreements. He thinks I don’t understand his artistic pursuits, and sometimes I feel he doesn’t appreciate the pressures and challenges of my corporate job.
I really miss the closeness we used to have and want to reconnect with him.
How can I close this growing gap, and what steps can I take to show him I genuinely value his passion for music?
— Reconciliation
DEAR RECONCILIATION: Tell your brother you want to talk to him about something serious.
When you meet, let him know that you are feeling distant from him when, years ago, you used to feel close to him. Acknowledge that you know that your lives are different, but you don’t want your differences to be divisive. Give a couple of examples that illustrate how misunderstandings seem to have led to hurt feelings for both of you. Ask him if he is feeling the same way.
Suggest that you both try to listen to each other more carefully so that you can come to understand the challenges and triumphs in each other’s individual fields.
It is hard to maintain a bond when you don’t understand a person’s work. To show compassion may mean that sometimes you say that while you don’t fully understand what he’s going through, you want to support him. Perhaps that’s when you ask how can you be helpful.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve known I was gay since I was a teenager, but I only recently came out to my family and close friends.
It was a huge relief to be open about my identity, but now I’m facing a lot of judgment.
My family comes from a military background, and they have made it clear that they do not approve of my sexuality. Despite their love for me, they continually express disappointment and disapproval, urging me to reconsider my “lifestyle choices.”
Every gathering, the topic of my sexuality always comes up, and it often leads to tense and hurtful conversations.
My parents emphasize their beliefs and express concern about how others in our community might perceive our family. They suggest that I should try to change or keep my sexuality private to avoid conflict and judgment.
I love my family and want to maintain a relationship with them, but their lack of acceptance is causing me a lot of pain. I’m feeling lost on how to proceed.
— Awaiting Acceptance
DEAR AWAITING ACCEPTANCE: Your family may never fully accept you as you are. You cannot control that, nor should you try to change who you are.
To find peace in your life, you need to create community with others who accept you for who you are. That doesn’t mean you excommunicate yourself from your family. Instead, it means you seek out a chosen family of people who welcome you and support you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.