20 worthless things Donald Trump will give you for your hard-earned money
Much ado has been made about the baubles and bibelot a cash-strapped Donald Trump keeps peddling to MAGA-heads.
But one can wear a Trump shoe, auction a Trumpy digital asset and ponder Matthew 19:24 and 1 Timothy 6:10 while reading the Lee Greenwood version of the Good Book.
The downside for Trump? All cost money to produce.
ALSO READ: 8 ways Donald Trump doesn't become president
Which is perhaps why Trump is increasingly offering prospective 2024 presidential campaign donors trinkets and honorifics with effectively no discernible value at all — in exchange for a cash contribution.
Raw Story has assembled a running list, as drawn from Trump's various fundraising emails and text messages during the past many months, as he seeks to defeat President Joe Biden and win back the White House:
Gold card
Upside: The "NEVER SURRENDER 2024 GOLD LIMITED EDITION" card sure is shiny. It's also made of "METAL."
Downside: You may be a fool if you believe that metal is really gold. You'll also get more mileage from any credit, debit, ATM or senior discount card found in your wallet.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Platinum card
The "TRUMP 2024 BALLOT DEFENDER PLATINUM LEVEL METAL LIMITED EDITION" is advertised to a "TOP SUPPORTER" who has earned Trump's "PLATINUM RATING."
That Trump's campaign sent it to anyone subscribed to his email list, including journalists, should provide adequate evidence about its exclusiveness.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Black card
Just like the gold card and the platinum card. Except it's black.
The Trump campaign did not respond to Raw Story's several requests for comment.
Among the questions Raw Story asked Trump's team: What are the differences among these cards other than the color? Do donors receive a physical card in the mail upon making a donation or just a digital image they can print out at home? How long does it take for someone to receive a card if physical cards are offered? Is there a minimum amount one must donate to receive a card? Do the cards entitle the bearer to any benefits or perks, and if so, what?
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Life member
A "2024 Trump Life Membership" might seem like a pretty sweet deal. After all, this membership is being offered to you by a man who owns hotels and golf courses and luxury resorts.
Unfortunately, the "life membership" comes with a 100 percent guarantee that if you enter Mar-a-Lago using this as your lone credential, your visit will be brief.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Diamond Club member
If diamonds are forever, why not just get a Trump life membership and save yourself some confusion?
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Day One member
This will signify your membership to what Trump is calling the "Trump National Committee" — a joint fundraising arrangement between Trump's presidential campaign committee and the Republican National.
The only tangible benefit? A lighter wallet.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Advisory board member
Excited to support a self-styled "day one" dictator but aren't ready for a full-time gig?
Buy your way onto the "2024 Trump Advisory Board" and become a "trusted" adviser to the man who wants to become our nation's 47th president.
But rest assured that if you do, the person who Trump is pictured talking to on the phone will not be you.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
President's Trust member
A cool $35 will snag you this gig. No details whatsoever on what rights or responsibilities this will entail.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Campaign Cabinet member
Most of the members of Trump's presidential Cabinet aren't too jazzed about the former president again seeking the White House.
Enter the "OFFICIAL TRUMP CAMPAIGN CABINET."
This new Cabinet "will be made up of my most ELITE, PATRIOTIC, and TRUSTED supporters that are up for the ULTIMATE challenge – providing my team and I with valuable insight and advice as we make some of the most important decisions leading up to the 2024 Presidential Election and BEYOND," Trump writes.
What's the catch? Just donate "ANY AMOUNT IMMEDIATELY," and you, too, can start channeling your inner Wilbur Ross and begin taking lots of naps. (Trump might even say you're as "dumb as a rock.")
Source: Donald Trump campaign
47 Club member
Oh, you think you're special because you're in the Official Trump Campaign Cabinet?
Turns out that folks in the "Official Trump 47 Club" also get invited to be among the "select few Patriots" who Trump will "rely on and will provide me with the insight and support to RECLAIM America."
Source: Donald Trump campaign
100 Club member
Same as the 47 Club, but with a bigger number.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Gold Club member
For those who really love element No. 79 but need more than a card.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Platinum member
For those who really love element No. 78 but need more than a card.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Sustaining member
This membership requires a little extra.
"To be certain that we have a consistent stream of funds every single month, I'm asking you to become a Sustaining Member of our 2024 presidential campaign by making a monthly contribution of any amount ... even $1 or $5," Trump writes.
The membership does not appear to come with a public television-esque tote bag or John Tesh CD. (Sad!)
So what, exactly, does this particular membership, or any Trump these memberships, entitle one who is granted a membership?
Do different memberships come with different benefits, if they come with any benefit at all?
The Trump campaign did not respond to Raw Story's several requests for comment.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Trump Donor Wall
For years now, Trump's campaign has been promising a "select" group of supporters that they would have their name etched on a "wall" in Trump's office.
Perhaps forgetting that they've run this promotion before, or perhaps hoping that supporters themselves have forgotten this fact, Trump is again promising to "build a beautiful wall at my office dedicated to a select group of donors who stepped up at this critical time."
Like another wall — say, one on the southern border — it'd be reasonable to question why the Trump Donor Wall hasn't already been built.
One thing is for certain: Mexico can't pay for the Trump Donor Wall, because foreign campaign contributions are illegal, per federal election law.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
45 ambassador
If Trump seems to be putting the "meh" in memberships, he's got something way cooler — ambassadorships!
Get ready to channel your inner Benjamin Franklin, Anthony Wayne Jerome Phillips-Spencer or Spock when you "secure your status as an Official 45 Ambassador before it's too late."
No, you will not have access to a State Department jet or even "Trump Force One."
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Golden Trump Status
So, you've already got a Trump gold card. And you're also a Trump Gold Club member.
But like Trump himself, you really, really love gold.
What's a MAGA gold digger to do?
Achieve Golden Trump Status, of course.
"Golden Trump Patriots like you WILL BE THE REASON we take back our Country from the WORST, and most CORRUPT, President in HISTORY," Trump explains in offering this opportunity.
Golden Trump Status may be achieved for the low, low pyrite-esque price of $20.24, according to a Trump campaign email.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
America First Lifetime Achievement Award for Patriotism
Americans of a certain age may remember those grifty letters your parents would receive via U.S. mail informing them that their little Johnny or Katie had been named to the Who's Who of Upper Midwestern Left-Handed 7th Graders.
Just send a check for $99 plus shipping and handling and the publisher would send back a book where your name — misspelled, of course — would appear in four-point font on page 743, printed on paper half a micron thick.
The America First Lifetime Achievement Award for Patriotism appears to work similarly.
Even though the invitation states that Donald Trump Jr., the former president's own son, has nominated you for this "MAGA Movement Honor," there's a catch.
"$35 — DONATE THIS AMOUNT TO ACCEPT" a black button with white letters informs you when you click to accept the award.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Signed poster
One day, you're watching a football game in your wood-paneled basement rec room, and you decide the vintage, autographed posters of Bernie Kosar and Cheryl Tiegs look a bit ... dated. Time for an upgrade.
Lucky for you, a modest campaign donation will snag you a "signed poster from Donald J. Trump, the best President of all time!"
Unlucky for you, Trump's signature is simulated.
Curiously, the poster also shouts the words "NEVER SURRENDER!" across Trump's black-and-white mugshot from when Trump quite literally surrendered himself to law enforcement in Fulton County, Ga., on charges related to his alleged effort to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
Mystery gift
Free rounds at a Trump golf course?
A guest pass to Mar-a-Lago?
A virtual high-five from Vivek Ramaswamy?
There's no telling what Trump's "mystery gift" to you will be — unless you donate at least $20.24.
Source: Donald Trump campaign
This article first appeared on April 11, 2024, and has been updated to reflect new Trump campaign offerings.