Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July
Have a cookout
The Fourth of July is a great opportunity to gather your friends and family outside and eat some burgers and hot dogs. On the land that you own, of course. Not on any other land, especially not any public spaces like parks or sidewalks, because it’s clear you didn’t spend money to purchase a deed, so what are you doing there? Being outside and eating at a place you haven’t given up your life savings to a bank for so that it’s momentarily okay for you to exist there? Wait, you do have a home, right? Oh no, you don’t own a home? How do you even exist?
Fly a flag
While many Americans have traditionally flown the stars and stripes, there are many other SCOTUS-approved flags you can wave. For instance, a flag that lets your neighbors know you think overthrowing our democratic institutions is chill, or a flag that tells the police they should consider this home as part of their protection racket. And if you really want to make a splash, try a novelty flag like I OWN A MEGAYACHT AND BRIBE—justices love it.
Set off fireworks
Independence Day isn’t complete without a colorful display of explosions in the sky. Don’t have access to fireworks? Then celebrate by firing off a machine gun instead—or, wait, not a “machine gun,” just a gun with a bump stock that makes a weapon discharge hundreds of rounds a minute, which is a totally different thing.
And if fireworks are illegal where you are, don’t worry about it. Just let your public officials know that if they look the other way when exploding a few Roman candles, you’ll Venmo them tomorrow. As long as you give them the money after they look the other way, it’s not a bribe, just a tip. Just the tip is okay—the Supreme Court said so. Why are fireworks illegal in some places anyway? If it’s due to concerns about smoke and air pollution, again, no worries. SCOTUS rules that air pollution is no big deal and the Environmental Protection Agency should just chill out about all that stuff anyway. You’ll be fine. Probably.
Declare your freedom from democracy
Representational democracy had a good run, but the Supreme Court has finally rediscovered the founders’ original intent. Sure, they were against kings, but it turns out, after 248 years, we had completely misunderstood that they actually liked when someone has the powers of a king; they just didn’t like the word “king.” It rhymes with too many other words and leaves the nation open to getting absolutely destroyed in a rap battle. With “president,” you just have “resident,” “hesitant,” and maybe “negligent,” but that’s sort of a stretch.
Remember, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by all these choices and unsure how to celebrate, just ask your local court. SCOTUS recognizes that interpreting what one should do is complicated, and they’ve decided that, in the end, the courts should be in charge of all of this decision-making stuff.
But no matter what you do, make sure you make the most of your Independence Day. It’s probably the last one we’re gonna get.