Dear Abby: My descendants don't deserve my estate

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single retired grandfather in the South. My daughter, 50, has hitched her wagon to an alcoholic. She's circling the drain and going down with him.

My grandsons are adults and scattered around the country. They are lazy and none of them has a full-time job. We used to keep them during the summers until their mid-teens. Now I don't hear from them unless I call, and then it's just a bunch of one-word answers — "Fine," "OK" and "Yup."

My daughter has no retirement savings or company retirement plan. She doesn't call either. She lives four hours away. I'm certain my home, property and possessions are their planned retirement accounts. All I need to do is die. I worked my entire life, spanning a couple of full careers, and I owe nothing to anyone. I have visions of my possessions being destroyed by a couple of alcoholics or sold off for quick cash.

I have decided my estate will all be donated to my favorite charity, a worthwhile cause where it will truly mean something to people who care. Should I let my daughter and grandkids know now, so they have an opportunity to change course and prepare, or let them be surprised after they don't go to my funeral? — DISAPPOINTED GRANDPA IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRANDPA: I will assume that you have put your decision in writing and your lawyer is aware of it. Your daughter should be informed, in the context of advance planning, who will be the executor of your will, what kind of funeral or memorial you intend to have, where you have arranged to be buried and how you will be disposing of your assets.

If you are concerned that it will degenerate into an unpleasant conversation, ask your attorney to serve as a buffer and do it for you. I guarantee that word will reach your grandchildren like wildfire.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a man who, even though he asked me to sit down and have a coffee with him, then said he isn't marriage- or dating-minded. I decided to avoid him, and I'm trying to rid my thoughts of him, but it's difficult because I feel drawn to him.

The last time I saw him, I sat down with him, and he asked to hold my hand. I understand that in dating we may find out that we are not going to get married, but we haven't even dated yet! I suppose I appreciate that he's admitting he already knows he doesn't like me enough to marry me, but why ask to hold my hand then? Why ask me to sit down for coffee?

It's hard to meet men where I live, and it has been a long time since I was in a serious relationship. To meet someone who seems like a good catch and then be told this is upsetting. Is he playing hard to get? — MIXED MESSAGES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MIXED MESSAGES: I wish that when he asked for your hand (but not in marriage) you had asked him if he intended to read your palm. I agree that he's sending you mixed messages. However, only one person can answer your legitimate questions, and that person is him.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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