Spring Is the Season of Love
If she gets close and your pulse quickens, you’re head over heels in love. It’s normal. It’s spring. The sun’s shining. Everyone’s in love.
We men overdose on vitamin D and hundreds of beautiful women emerge from the cave where they’ve been hibernating with groundhog Phil. They leave in their wake, with the graceful swaying of their hips as they walk, fatal road accidents, collisions between pedestrians, guys falling down sewers, and skulls fractured against lampposts. One of the great challenges of modern medicine is figuring out how to reconstruct the vertebrae of a male who has crossed paths with an especially attractive woman. Whilst all of this happens among suddenly love-struck men, girls just get butterflies in their stomachs. (READ MORE: The Human Disappearing Act: Why Are We Not Reproducing?)
We are different. The only time a guy ever felt something similar in his stomach, it wasn’t butterflies, but the consequences of ingesting an effervescent aspirin without dissolving it in water after a huge hangover.
It is dangerous and easy to fall in love. Especially with a man. If you have the chance, never fall in love with a guy, with the sole exception of columnists. A Spanish group, Dinamita pa los pollos (Dynamite for chickens), said it in their own way: “Never marry a country singer/ if you don’t like to lose.” Every guy has a country singer in him, hidden behind the remote idea of going to a karaoke bar in the wee hours of the morning and getting on stage in his underwear. Science has been investigating this too, but has only found echoes and a lot of empty whiskey bottles.
Women in love appear to be absent and radiate a strange light that scares other men away. If you ever want to get rid of a suitor, try falling in love with another guy. That glow is like inviting a gremlin to a spa. For their part, guys who fall into the clutches of infatuation hardly experience any symptoms. They’re often the last to know. Some men find out they are in love up to 40 years after they get married. Fortunately, Facebook now allows you to announce to the whole world that you have started a relationship, which is great because this way guys can also be sure that they have started dating a girl and it seems reasonably serious. Honestly, I don’t know what we did before Facebook. Maybe work. (READ MORE: The Case for Marrying Young — From Someone Who Did)
Spring and summer are times of short love affairs, which are usually used to try to forget the long ones. Conquering is a much more complicated task for men than for women. However, if the price of flowers continues to rise, it will also be appropriate to say that it is a much more expensive task.
As a result of this spring passion, thousands of people are currently undertaking the so-called “operation bikini.” It consists of sweating, eating fruit, looking in the mirror, and taking selfies daily. The goal is to have a perfect body as if that could do away with the super-perfect bodies around the globe. All this obsesses women in particular. I suppose there will be obscure reasons that escape me, but I’ll stick to statistics.
I don’t have any female friends who need to lose weight. Instead, I have several who urgently need to put on weight. As for the guys, it’s all the same: Now and then a new study is published claiming that a beer belly is incredibly attractive to women, and that gives us an excuse to ask for another kebab and beer. We were going to order them anyway.
A terrible effect of love is lovelessness. But without lovelessness, there would be no Emily Dickinson, no Rainer Maria Rilke, no The Smiths. So it can’t be such a bad thing either. Besides, the world is full of impossible love. Ninety percent of the population is too much in love with the remaining 10 percent. The remaining 10 percent are in love with each other. Spring makes everything prettier and balances the scales a bit, but not enough to make everyone happy. (READ MORE by Itxu Díaz: The Polite European Right Missed the Point)
Don’t get me wrong though. I’m all for love. I’m fine with all the girls having their husbands, although I think Irina Shayk and Maria Sharapova could do without them. As for guys in love, I am overcome with jaded indifference, which turns into mild repulsion when they start posting Neruda’s verses on social networks. Some people believe that love was invented by Neruda. Others believe that love exists despite Neruda. It’s best to keep verses away from relationships, lest you have too many rhymes to regret when your girl runs off before you can give her the complete works of that pain, Alejandro Jodorowsky. If it does happen and she ditches you, take comfort in the knowledge that she was going to gift you with a Paulo Coelho anthology for Valentine’s Day.
No one seems to hate each other as much as two people in love.
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