Couples that argue together really DO stay together – therapist shares the dos and don’ts of an effective row
IF couples argue, it’s easy to assume they are on the rocks – but actually, it can be a sign of strength.
“The couples that are most happy don’t argue less than unhappy couples,” says relationship counsellor Natasha Silverman from UK-wide counselling service Relate.
“We want couples to argue, it’s really important. When they don’t, that’s more concerning, as that implies there are probably difficult conversations, tensions and underlying issues that aren’t being addressed.
“The question is: are you arguing well, or are you arguing badly?
“The goal is to stay connected, even when you’re in conflict, and to still empathise and be kind to your partner.”
Here’s how to have effective arguments…
Getting personal
If you want to see change in your partner, getting personal about their character isn’t the way to go about it.
“Feedback should always be about the behaviour, not the person,” Natasha says.
“The aim is to encourage new behaviours without shaming them or making them feel humiliated, because that won’t enhance connection.”
One of the most common problems is that one person is more affectionate.
“People will say things like: ‘Maybe you are not capable of being loving,’ and that’s a big statement.”
Don’t say: “You’re never affectionate with me, I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”
Do say: “It’s hurtful for me when you don’t hug me or hold my hand when we’re together.”
Never say ‘never’
When your partner annoys you, it’s so easy to shout: “You never do the washing-up,” for example.
The same goes for the word “always”.
Natasha says: “That’s defining language and it will make your partner say: ‘Well, that’s not true, because on this occasion, I did do that.”
“Every criticism is an unmet wish,” she adds. “Say what you’d like them to do, using: ‘I feel…’”
Don’t say: “You never help out, you are so lazy.”
Do say: “I feel really overwhelmed when you don’t help out at home. It would mean a lot to me if you did the washing-up.”
Shutting down
Stonewalling is when a person shuts down and gives the silent treatment, because they are overwhelmed.
“Stonewalling is damaging, because it leaves someone feeling emotionally abandoned,” says Natasha.
The pursuer-distancer is a similar dynamic, she explains.
“The more one person shuts the other person down, such as by saying: ‘This isn’t a big deal,’ the louder the other person gets. It can become really explosive.”
Don’t say: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Do say: “I’m not in the right headspace now, but I know this is important to you. Let’s take a break and meet in the living room in an hour. I do want to hear how you feel, but we won’t be able to have a productive conversation right now.”
Feeling superior
According to researchers at The Gottman Institute, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
“Contempt is a way of showing superiority over someone,” says Natasha.
“It’s the number-one communication strategy linked to separation.” It escalates conflict fast.
Don’t: Roll your eyes, sneer, mimic or mock, or say things like: “I would never do that to you.”
Do: Try to express your true feelings in a direct way, rather than hiding behind ridicule or sarcasm, even if it feels instinctive to behave with contempt.
The parent trap
It’s easy to slip into talking to a partner like a child when they act like one. But this could make them feel controlled and then they’ll rebel.
“The more you take the parent position, the more you push the other person into the child role, and vice versa,”
Natasha says. “Ask yourself if you’d talk to another adult, such as a work colleague, in this way – it’s unlikely.”
Don’t say: “I’ve told you 10 times to do this.”
Do say: “It would mean a lot to me if we could be a team.”
Reality check
Partners often recall events differently, but Natasha says: “I’d be against couples disagreeing with each other’s truth.
You learn very quickly as a relationship counsellor that there is no truth. Reality is completely individual.”
Instead, she says to engage with the feelings around what happened.
“You might not agree with the details,” she says. “But you can agree with the fact your partner is sad and you wouldn’t want them to feel that way.”
Don’t say: “That’s not how it happened, that’s not true.”
Do say: “I don’t want you to feel that way and I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to that. How can we let each other know that we’re hurting each other?”
How to start
Open a conversation, saying: “There’s something I’d like to talk about with you, is now a good time?”
“Both people need to be in a good frame of mind, open to hearing and not be defensive,” says Natasha,
“You have to be ‘emotionally online’. If you’re under pressure, you can go ‘offline’.”
This can cause a person to either withdraw or get riled up.
“No one has a good conversation when they’re ‘offline’, but that’s where most of us are when we argue,” says Natasha. “People need to be in a calm, rational place.”
One step at a time
If you have something on your mind, bring it up as soon as you can.
“If you avoid it, when you do eventually have a big conversation, often you end up ‘kitchen-sinking’ – when you bring up everything that’s ever happened, veering away from any specific issue – because you’ve kept it all inside. This will feel like an attack,” Natasha says.
If it goes badly…
This is when repair work comes in, Natasha says.
“If you have a bad day, don’t sweep it under the carpet.
“Go back and say: ‘Can we try that again? That didn’t go well.’ The feeling you had when you ‘lost it’ is valid – if you felt let down, taken for granted or not supported. The apology is for how it was conveyed.”
And if things aren’t changing…
There are all sorts of intricacies to people’s relationships, some of which go back decades.
“You can’t work on a relationship on your own – you need two people to want to change,” says Natasha.
“We all have a strong belief that it’s possible to change people – it is, but only if the other person wants to as well.”
If you still feel like your partner is not working with you to make positive change together in whatever situation you’re in, then you have to ask yourself what you can live with and where you go from here.