How to have a good threesome: safety, consent, planning, and communication are key, sex experts say

• In 2022, searches for threesomes on Pornhub rose by 34%, making it the 4th most searched term. 
• If you're curious but unsure where to start, these tips from sexologists and sex educators will help.
• Safety and consent are paramount, as is preparation and the right configuration. 

Of the range of sexual fantasies, multi-partner sex tops the list. In 2022, searches on Pornhub for the term "threesomes" rose 34% to become the fourth most searched term.

But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there's a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.

Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.

What makes for a great threesome

Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said "three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together" are the best group for a threesome. All partners should "have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time."

How to find a third

If you're in a monogamous relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to "skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing." Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.

If you're not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are "geared toward the non-monogamous community, and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed."

The right position will vary with each threesome

Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it's important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist Lisa Lawless.

"Some sex positions are more accessible if you're a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible," Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.

Lawless suggested the following positions:

Double cowgirl

In double cowgirl, one partner rides on the partner's genitals while the other rides that person's face. In this position, Lawless said, "The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing."

However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.

69 plus 1

Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a 69 position. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration "can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed," but be mindful of neck strain.

Virtual threesome

Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual threesome allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that "app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance."

Safe sex and proper planning are critical

Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. "Some discussion of partners' current sexual health status is important." Winging it is ill-advised. "Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI's and pregnancy," March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.

Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. "It's safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,"

If you're using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, consider your options carefully. "Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don't want to use it with silicone toys," Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.