Harriette Cole: My friend is so secretive about her life that it hurts my feelings
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is incredibly secretive about almost everything going on in her life.
If she’s interviewing for a new job, I won’t hear a word about it until she’s already received and accepted the offer. If she’s seeing someone new, I don’t find out until they’ve been dating for months and things are already serious.
Even with small life updates, like a trip she’s planning or something stressful she’s dealing with, she keeps it all to herself until it’s long past or fully resolved.
It’s starting to make me feel like I’m not really a close friend to her, even though I’ve always been open and vulnerable with her about my own life.
It’s starting to make me feel like I’m not really a close friend to her, even though I’ve always been open and vulnerable with her about my own life.
I’m happy for her successes and I’d love to support her through challenges, but she shuts me out and lets me in only when it’s convenient or when she decides I’ve “earned” the right to know.
It’s not about needing to know every detail, but I can’t help but feel a little hurt and excluded, like she doesn’t trust me or value our friendship.
I’m torn between letting it go and accepting that she’s just a private person, or saying something and risking making her uncomfortable. How do I bring this up without coming off as needy or overly sensitive?
— Clueless
DEAR CLUELESS: It could be that your friend is extremely insecure and feels that she doesn’t measure up to you. That may be why she doesn’t want you to know any details about her life until they are solid. Recognize that this is her problem.
You can tell her what you have noticed and how her secretiveness hurts your feelings. You can also decide to stop sharing all of your life with her if she is unwilling to share hers.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My apartment lease ends in late July, and a few of my roommates have already moved out.
While I appreciate that they cleaned out their individual rooms nicely, they left a ton of their unwanted belongings scattered throughout the common areas, and they abandoned random kitchen items, food and things they clearly didn’t want to deal with.
Now I’m stuck getting rid of everything, and it feels incredibly unfair that the cleanup has fallen on me just because I’m the last one here.
On top of that, they used up most of our shared household items like dish soap, toilet paper and paper towels before they left. I was the last one to restock those items a few weeks ago, and now that everything’s gone, I’m the one who has to pay for everything again just to get through the next couple of weeks.
I feel used and a little resentful, but I’m also not sure how to bring this up or if it’s even worth saying anything now that they’re gone.
Should I ask them to Venmo me for cleaning up after them and having to restock everything? How do I deal with this situation without letting my frustration eat away at me?
— Sucker
DEAR SUCKER: Ask your roommates to send you some money to cover your additional expenses and work on their behalf. Don’t expect to get it from everyone. Don’t hold a grudge either. Keep it moving.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.