A Typical Episode of Sesame Street as Imagined by Conservatives

“President Trump issued an executive order late Thursday directing the Corporation for Public Broadcasting’s board of directors to ‘cease federal funding for NPR and PBS,’ the nation’s primary public broadcasters, claiming ideological bias.” — NPR

EXT. SESAME STREET

A group of children stand in the middle of Sesame Street. There are no cars because owning a car is a crime punishable by death. The children take turns injecting each other with puberty blockers—the only activity children are allowed to do in this fifteen-minute city. Big Bird enters wearing assless chaps. The children see Big Bird and run over, excitedly. Big Bird lights ten cigarettes in his beak and hands one to each child.

BIG BIRD: Remember, kids, there is no God. There is only the crushing weight of existence.

The children cheer.

CHILDREN (chanting, in unison): God is dead! God is dead! God is dead!

Big Bird turns and slowly walks away, revealing his bare, MS-13-tattooed bird ass as he exits.

EXT. OSCAR’S TRASH CAN

Oscar pokes his head out of his trash can. Standing next to Oscar is Elmo. They both face the camera.

ELMO: I’m Elmo, and my pronouns are Elmo/Elmo/Elmo’s.

OSCAR: And I’m a grouch. Because of my deep-seated hatred of white people.

ELMO: Today, Oscar will help Elmo with the word of the day. The word of the day is… “entitlements.” How do we use the word “entitlements?” Like this! Oscar doesn’t like to work very hard because, like we always say on the crime-filled streets of Sesame, working hard is for suckers, right kids? Luckily, Oscar makes sure to always vote for leftist candidates, who tax the hard-working rich at high rates to pay for Oscar’s… entitlements. Now Oscar will use his… entitlements… to buy drugs from Snuffleupagus. Yay!

Snuffleupagus appears holding a suitcase full of drugs in his trunk. He and Oscar do all of the drugs and go off on a hallucinogenic bender, à la Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

INT. COOKIE MONSTER’S HOUSE

Cookie Monster is in his kitchen with a plate of cookies in front of him. Grover is next to him.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me eat cookies because red meat illegal, like it should be.

Cookie Monster devours the plate of cookies.

GROVER: Uh oh, Cookie Monster, all those cookies will give you cavities. Time for your government-mandated fluoride rinse.

Grover grabs Cookie Monster and waterboards him using a rag and a hose that sprays heavily fluoridated water.

INT. COUNT VON COUNT’S CASTLE

Count von Count stands in the foyer of his former castle, which now serves as the headquarters of the Communist Party of Sesame Street. Behind him, the other Sesame Street Muppets do shots and twerk.

COUNT VON COUNT: Velcome to ze party, children! Now zhat ve have rigged all ze elections, ze communist party is ze only party around. Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Count von Count walks over to a corner of the room, where the Muppet corpses of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg are heaped in a pile.

COUNT VON COUNT: And vhat do ve have here? Vhy it looks like ze dead bodies of capitalist labor exploiters whose vealth ve have seized and redistributed to ze proletariat. Children, can you help me count ze number of bourgeois scum? One! Two! Three dead billionaires! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

INT. BERT AND ERNIE’S HOUSE

Bert and Ernie sit in bed together, shirtless, post-coitus. Their sinewy felt torsos glisten in the candlelight. Looking into the camera, the two of them swing a string of anal beads back and forth in front of their faces, hypnotically.

BERT and ERNIE (in unison): You are turning very gay now. You are turning very gay now.

EXT. SESAME STREET

All the Muppets gather on the front steps of 123 Sesame Street, wearing Soviet military fatigues. A Muppet Joseph Stalin carrying a conductor’s baton appears. The brass intro to the State Anthem of the USSR begins to play. Stalin waves the baton as the Muppets sing.

MUPPETS (singing, in unison): Soyuz nerushimy respublik svobodnykh!…

Just as they finish singing, Count von Count drags the Muppet corpses of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Mark Zuckerberg onto the front steps.

COUNT VON COUNT: And now, it’s time to eat ze rich. Ah-ha-ha-ha!

The Muppets begin devouring the dead billionaires’ fabric bodies in a frenzy. Felt limbs and organs fly everywhere.

FADE TO BLACK