[Two Pronged] Having the moral high ground in a complicated friendship?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

People cannot believe that I, a man of 41 separated from his wife for the last 7 years, can be best friends with “Anna,” 34, who left her husband 5 years ago when she caught him philandering.

He tried to woo her back but when she realized he would never change his ways (a typical Filipino, she always adds) she left him for good.

We met at a five-star hotel and if I were not smarting from my wife’s having just left we would probably have slept together. Instead we ended up friends. I am grateful for that.

We got so drunk this New Year and she told me something which to this day makes me shudder and rethink our friendship.

She told me she scratches her lovers’ backs when they think she is coming. But she cannot come with these men. She does it simply to hurt them. She hopes their wives realize they were unfaithful when they see the scratches on their backs.

I laughed. This is how our friendship goes — we laugh at and support each others’ antics. But the cold hearted way she hurts these men makes me think twice.

I would never try to get the women I sleep with (mainly wives) in trouble with their partners. I do not mind if they lie and tell me they are “separated” when they are really still married to their husbands.

Why should she punish men who pay for her drinks and dinner, listen to her and make her feel her stories are interesting, and do what they can to make her feel wanted? It seems unnecessarily cruel. Is this the sort of person she really is? How could she have hidden her true nature from me so successfully?

I am tempted to end our friendship, but I get so much admiration from women who think me a “modern man” for having a woman for a best friend.

– Tommy

Dear Tommy,

Thank you for your email.

You claim you’re disturbed by your friend Anna’s admission that she deliberately scratches her lovers’ backs, not out of passion but to expose their infidelity to their wives. This revelation has you questioning her character and the foundation of your friendship.

Yet who could fail to note the beam in your own eye while you’re focused on the splinter in hers? You casually mention sleeping with “mainly wives” and being unbothered when women lie about being separated (rather than admit actually being married). The admiration you receive for being a “modern man” with a female friend seems to matter more than examining your own behavior.

Both you and Anna are participating in relationships that potentially harm others. She is however honest about her vindictiveness, while you’ve wrapped yours in a veneer of non-judgment.

Perhaps what truly bothers you isn’t Anna’s behavior, but how it focuses attention on your own choices . True friendship often requires facing difficult truths about ourselves when we see them reflected in others.

If you genuinely value this friendship, consider having an honest conversation with Anna about your discomfort. If the opportunity arises, you could even suggest therapy so that she can try to escape the unending cycle of meting out physical harm to men who are mere substitutes for her long-gone philanderer of a husband and perhaps open up the possibility of a more meaningful relationship. But be prepared for her to question your own ethical gymnastics as well.

The way forward isn’t necessarily ending a seven-year friendship, but rather using this moment for mutual growth—or at least acknowledging that neither of you occupies particularly high moral ground in your romantic relationships.

Best regards,
JAF Baer

Dear Tommy,

Thank you very much for your letter, even if it does show you up as rather sexist and yes, quite judgmental.

Mr Baer, thank you for summarizing the important points of this letter which I hope you don’t mind my merely clarifying (more?) by giving real life examples from other clients which they have shared during therapy sessions I have had with them.

Admittedly, these clients have not been as graphic (?) in their experiences, which is why, Tommy, I honestly and truly loooove your letter, especially because of the specifics you shared…or, actually, your friend (let’s call her Anna) shared with you.

Here are a few things that I would like to share about real friendships. Most are from my own clinical experience; the rest are from a wonderful article from the 2025 book Happy Relationships: 25 Buddhist Practices to Transform Your Connections with Your Partner, Family, and Friends” by Kimberly Brown, who wrote, “You don’t necessarily need to share the same values…”

Judith Newman further explains, “Buddhism teaches, ‘give what is hard to give;…don’t abandon (your friend) in times of trouble; don’t look down on (your friend) in times of loss,” which is what Anna continues to experience with her philandering ex-husband.

To make sure both Brown and Newman accurately “translated Buddha, I (admittedly) googled “10+ Genuine Buddha quotes on friendship,” and yes, they definitely did!!

Self disclosure is a necessary requirement in true friendship. This enables friends to provide each other with a safe space, allowing each to share painful, ugly things about themselves, thus allowing each to be vulnerable to the other, without fear or judgment. This is hardly what you gave Anna.

It is possible that Anna needed to get drunk to give her dutch courage. It is possible she had a feeling you may judge her.

Despite that, she gave you a chance; she took a risk hoping you would come through the way a real friend would. She allowed herself to be more vulnerable to you.

Thus, it seems to me that it is not that her behavior proves that she doesn’t deserve your friendship; it is more that you don’t deserve hers.

Oh dear. I realize that what Mr Baer and I have both written might encourage others to feel that, ironically, we have not given you a safe space either. However, in our defense, you have written us to give our honest opinions and not just our unqualified support.

Hoping you realize that you can still change and thus give yourself a chance to be a true friend…proving you can actually be a true friend and not a mere mockery of one

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.