The Lonely Reality of Being 'Connected'

If your teen is anything like the average teen, they’re probably always on a FaceTime call, gaming with friends online while chatting through a headset, or getting notification after notification from Snapchat. You’d think with so many opportunities for conversation and connection, the word “lonely” wouldn’t even exist in their vocabulary. But surprisingly, research shows that Gen Z is the loneliest age group — even more so than older people, who don’t get out often and lack the social opportunities they had when they were younger.

On the surface, it’s baffling; how can our teenagers possibly feel alone when the entire world population is literally at their fingertips?! In this case, though, it comes down to quantity over quality. They may be “connected,” but that doesn’t mean those connections are meaningful.

Social, But Superficial

“Social interaction is a wasteful activity if viewed through the lens of cold hard numbers. But when viewed through human eyes, social interaction is what makes us inherently human,” says Kian Bakhtiari for Forbes. And it’s true; from self-scan grocery store checkouts to no-contact food deliveries to remote work and online classes, we live in a society where convenience through automation has taken away a lot of our opportunities to build and practice social skills face to face … which isn’t so bad for those of us who developed and honed our social skills before these advances. But for teens, who are members of a generation that has grown up with this kind of technology, certain elements of that humanity are harder to come by — and it’s making them lonely.

If you think about it, teenagers are interacting with devices more often than they’re interacting with people. And even when there’s a person on the other end, it’s still no replacement for face-to-face communication. In 2023, researchers at the University of Montreal discovered that in-person interactions triggered nine substantial connections between the frontal and temporal brain regions, whereas virtual communication only sparked one. “The lack of face-to-face interaction, which is crucial for building empathy and emotional bonds, leaves many teens feeling isolated despite being constantly connected,” Sarah Whitmire, LPC-S, tells SheKnows.

You can’t read body language or pick up on nonverbal cues through a device — which are important contextual clues that we often take for granted. And what’s more, the types of interactions teens are having leave even less room for making meaningful connections. In an age where success often equals the tally of likes and shares or the number of online “friends” or followers you have, the interactions are usually shallow and performative. “Social media encourages teens to ‘perform’ for an audience, turning friendships into transactional relationships based on likes and comments rather than genuine care and support,” says Whitmire.

“Many teens are caught in a cycle of superficial interaction, looking for the likes, comments, and snaps, but while they think this is what they need, none of this fulfills their deeper need for belonging,” says Richard Ramos, author, speaker, and founder of Parents on a Mission. “They may have hundreds of online ‘friends’ but be unable find even one person they can trust with their real struggles who is in real life with them.”

He points out that online interactions have literally changed the face of friendship as we know it. “Friendship used to be about shared experiences, you know, the stuff like riding bikes together, staying up late talking, going out for a soda, bowling and working through problems face-to-face or on the phone,” Ramos tells SheKnows. Now friendships often exist as online exchanges, where misunderstandings can spread quickly — just think of how easy it is to misinterpret the tone of a text message, for starters! — and ghosting is the norm. “As a result, many teens may struggle with deeper emotional bonds which can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and a sense of isolation — but feel confused as they know a lot of people, but not in real life,” he says.

As the mom of three teens myself, I worry about these things with my own kids. My son Cameron, 17, loves to play online games where he can chat with other people — but says that even when he’s talking to someone else online, it isn’t exactly what he’d call a social experience. There are just too many distractions to carry on much of a conversation. “Yes, we can go on games and social media and stuff like that, but — specifically in gaming — being distracted by a different task takes away from the social aspect,” he says. “In a sense, the Internet has taken away a lot of our ability to traditionally connect with other people.”

Comparison Culture & FOMO

Another big factor contributing to teen loneliness? The culture of comparison — and the fear of missing out. Anyone who’s ever used social media, even adults, can relate; it’s a landscape of glossy, carefully curated and edited content that makes aspects of other people’s lives seem … well, a lot better than yours.

“Social media creates a platform for comparison — teens view idealized representations of others’ lives, which makes them feel isolated and inadequate despite having numerous virtual connections,” Dr. Lisa Pion-Berlin, ACSW, ACHT and CEO of Parents Anonymous, tells SheKnows. “The expectation for teens to appear flawless in their digital profiles creates barriers to developing authentic and open emotional connections.”  

To make matters worse, social media can also contribute to FOMO (in case you’re lucky enough to have never experienced that, it’s the “fear of missing out”). For SheKnows’ recent “Be a Man” series, members of our own Gen Z Council weighed in on the loneliness they sometimes feel when it comes to social media — particularly Snapchat, where the “Snap Map” feature lets users see others’ locations in real time. “Sometimes I get a little bit of FOMO when I see people together without me,” 16-year-old Calder confessed. “Especially if it’s my friends, and it’s a plan I wasn’t invited to. Or, even that I was invited to and I couldn’t go.”

The Toll of Loneliness

Loneliness can lead to risky behaviors like smoking, substance abuse, and excessive drinking. And if that’s not enough, young people are already more vulnerable to mental health issues; 1 in 8 young people aged 5-19 struggle with their mental health. The connection between loneliness and mental health is real, and it’s crucial that we address loneliness early on. Since most mental health problems emerge before age 24, tackling loneliness in young people can help prevent future mental health struggles.

“Given the profound consequences of loneliness and isolation, we have an opportunity, and an obligation, to make the same investments in addressing social connection that we have made in addressing tobacco use, obesity, and the addiction crisis,” said U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy as part of a statement in which he called loneliness “an epidemic.”

“If we fail to do so,” he warned, “we will pay an ever-increasing price in the form of our individual and collective health and well-being.”

How to Help a Lonely Teen

The most obvious answer to the problem of teen loneliness is to just get them off their screens and into the real world — right? Well, yes and no. We can’t get frustrated with our teenagers if they don’t want to just jump right out there and join a club; putting yourself out there can be hard for anyone, especially someone with relatively limited experience when it comes to social gatherings. But there are ways to entice even reluctant teens. One way is through introducing them to “fourth spaces” — a recent trend among Gen Z that blends online interests with real-world meetups, where they can genuinely connect with people who share those same interests (see our article on fourth spaces for ways to find them).

Cameron says he would prefer to do face-to-face activities with his friends (“Something fun like an escape room, maybe”), but wouldn’t be opposed to a “fourth spaces” meetup with like-minded people. “I’d do something in person with people I don’t know if it were an activity that centers around an interest we have in common,” he says.

Regardless of your teen’s willingness to put themselves out there, there’s plenty you can — and should! — do at home. Because all the experts we spoke to unanimously agreed on one important thing: Parents are an important first line of defense when it comes to combating teen loneliness. “Parents must be intentional about their kids finding real-world relationships, and I believe that starts with modeling deep connections with people in their own lives,” says Ramos.

“First and foremost, parents can model healthy relationships — teens learn best from watching. Parents can make an effort to have family and friends over for casual get togethers, allowing teens to practice social skills in comfortable settings,” Caitlin Severin, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of CultivaTeen Roots, tells SheKnows. “Parents can also model healthy relationships with technology and devices, setting boundaries around screen time. Encouraging face-to-face interactions, offering rides for your teen and their friends, and supporting your teen in engaging in community activities or sports are also all great strategies.” These face-to-face interactions can be as simple as having a family dinner around the table once or twice a week, sans cell phones, where everyone can have a conversation.

And finally, if you notice your teen withdrawing or limiting social interactions, say something. “Using non-judgmental language to acknowledge what you are observing and offer support can go a long way,” Severin tells us. And, she says, you can remind them of this very important fact that may help bolster their confidence a bit. “Relationships are like any skill — the more you practice, the easier it gets, and the more confidence you build,” she says. “The more isolated teens become, the harder it is for them to connect with peers.”

“Loneliness is something that we’ve all struggled with at least once … some more than others,” Cameron reflects. “But to combat it we need to realize that it’s something everyone goes through. And we need to just support each other through it.” He relates it to one of his favorite songs from the band Twenty One Pilots, called “At the Risk of Sounding Dumb” — and considering that loneliness is a significant risk factor for suicidal thoughts, the lyrics feel especially poignant.

“At the risk of feeling dumb, check in,” says the song. “It’s not worth the risk of losing a friend.”