Trump Links Gaza

The Holy Bible, Trump Edition: "They shall beat their swords into nine irons." Credit: Shutterstock.

By Peter Costantini
SEATTLE, USA, Feb 28 2025 (IPS)

Like any self-respecting don of a powerful crime family, Donald Trump – AKA “Don the Con” – always gets a taste of any action going down on his territory. And that territory, as recent events have made clear, knows no borders. (I mean, except for the southwest one.)

The capo di tutti capi of TrumpWorld says that he wants to acquire Gaza and turn it into “The Riviera of the Middle East”. And it’s no secret what the jewel in the crown has to be: a magnificent golf course. [Shear et al 2/5/2025] [Baker 2/5/2025]

Given conditions in Gaza, this will be a challenge. But a leaked and probably apocryphal memo from the TrumpWorld real-estate division (formerly the U.S. Department of State), lays out an ingenious strategy for the centerpiece of the rebranding of Gaza.

———-

To: Gaza Desk

OK, campers, minimize PornHub and listen up.

I’m working on some promotional material for the Riviera project. Please return any comments yesterday.

——

Trump Links Gaza at Rubble Beach

Welcome to a whole new dimension in golfing adventure: Trump Links Gaza. Here, you can tee off into a breathtaking new experience: rubble golf. We found a strip of land short of water, vegetation and soil, but with plenty of gravel, broken concrete, and twisted rebar. So we had to think outside the box of grassy fairway | water hazard | putting green.

Our solution? If life gives you rubble, make rubble golf. At Trump Links Gaza, the whole length of the 18 holes will be one big rubble trap. We’re working to make it the Pebble Beach of Middle Eastern war zones, so we’re dubbing it Rubble Beach.

For chipping out of bomb craters and demolished building foundations, your pitching wedge will be your best friend. You may lose a few more balls than usual, but looking for them will be like a treasure hunt: you’ll never know what you may find.

Our attorneys tell us we are required to warn you about the unexploded ordnance. No worries, this is where the adventure really begins, and the risk just heightens the excitement. Accidental death and dismemberment insurance is available in the clubhouse.

For small mines or unexploded shells, simply plant one of the skull-and-crossbones flags we’ve provided nearby – but not too close.

If you happen to uncover a large bomb, about the size of a Fiat 500, do not take the time to plant a flag: run for your life. Those bunker-busters weigh 2,000 pounds and have a blast radius of three football fields. Best of all, we’re proud to say they’re made in the U.S. of A. Now we’re talking real adventure golfing. (Not to worry too much, the previous owners assure us that all such bombs dropped on Gaza did detonate – creating much of the rubble you will be enjoying.)

You may unearth piles of bones, but don’t be alarmed. They are probably sheep or goat bones. If they seem a little larger, they could be – Who knows? – calves or llamas.

Golfers may occasionally come upon torn or burned children’s books in Arabic, pieces of stuffed animals, shards of plates or glasses, and shreds of kaffiyehs or hijabs. In a small number of cases, visitors have also noticed what seem to be small children with distended bellies wandering around outside the razor wire perimeter.

The previous proprietors explained that the area had been taken over by squatters, who were very messy and did not keep track of their children. Their security forces removed nearly all the offenders and tried to eliminate any traces of them, but may have missed a few here and there.

We apologize for any unpleasant experiences that may keep looping in your head. (Although as you may not have noticed, on page 9 of the visitors’ waivers you agreed not to hold us liable for any PTSD or recurrent nightmares that may result from what you see here.)

Allow us to put you at ease on one other point: because conditions are so rough, it’s no big deal if you lie about your score. In fact, it’s an official Trump Links Gaza policy: falsifying scorecards and telling tall tales about your eagles and birdies are encouraged. There’s so much latent creativity out there, we don’t want to inhibit it with the buzzkill of fact-checking.

This adjustment will also keep Trump Links Gaza in step with the rest of TrumpWorld and its wholly owned subsidiary, the U.S. government. The corporate guidance on truthiness was enunciated most eloquently by Vice President J.D. Vance.

He was asked by reporters why he and President Trump kept saying that Haitians in Springfield, Ohio, were illegal immigrants who had stolen and eaten pet cats and dogs, even after the false story had been debunked by Republican officials and the Wall Street Journal. Vance, apparently speaking in tongues, told National Public Radio: “The American media totally ignored this stuff until Donald Trump and I started talking about cat memes. If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do.” [Garrett 9/15/2024]

So don’t worry about handicaps or pars. We’ve created an arithmetic-free zone here to let you celebrate your fairway prowess with your most improbable golf memes – and to emulate the liberating example of our leaders in the Oval Office.

Stop by the clubhouse afterwards for a complementary house cocktail: an ivermectin sour with a splash of hydroxychloroquine.

The Trump Links Gaza Management

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So let me know what you think. There are no stupid comments – well, actually, there are a few. You’ll know if yours is one when HR tweets you your pink slip and the security guards bring you a cardboard file box.

Breaking news for your eyes only: Bibi told the transition team that the squatters who were in the area of Trump Links Gaza before the transformation are now in custody.

They will be charged as criminal aliens and most will be deported to permanent camps in Rwanda and El Salvador. But in the interim, TrumpWorld has signed a contract with a U.S.-based private prison firm to build facilities to hold them until they can be shipped out.

However, we are considering keeping a small number of them in Gaza as guest workers, much like the H-2B workers long used by Trump enterprises in the U.S.

These will be lodged in the immigration prison and let out only to work as dishwashers and laborers at the new Gaza minimum wage (lol it’s negative – they will be charged ten dollars a day for the privilege of getting out of their cells for healthy exercise). Meals, rent and utilities will also be deducted. Hey Elon, can your boyos from the Department of Government Efficiency match that?

As exciting as it is, Trump Links Gaza is only the beginning. Think glacier golf in Greenland -your ice axe doubles as a putter – and aquatic links on jet skis in Panama.

But Canada is le grand prix, as the snail-sucking surrender monkeys put it. The Boss may have to drop a few bunker-busters on the tundra to nudge them towards statehood. The Canucks may complain about losing their health insurance and being tased for saying “Eh”. They may gag at having to call Hudson Bay “MAGA Bay”.

But once True North has been downgraded to Magnetic North and welcomed into the Union, TrumpWorld will buy up some well-known golf course, tart it up, and lean heavily on the new “governor” (actually, proconsul) to have the Canadian Open moved to it – as Beloved Leader tried unsuccessfully to do in Scotland with the British Open. (Don’t breathe easy yet, haggis-eaters – Donald Trump has a long memory.) [Landler et al 7/16/2021]

I’m proud to say that golf diplomacy has become the linchpin of our transition from the “No more forever wars” foreign policy to a new one: “Many short and sweet annexations”. Who’s next?

As the Good Book, Trump Edition, says: “They shall beat their swords into nine irons.” Fore!

ArnoldPalmersJunk (Like my new handle?)
Vice President for Golfing Anschluss

Trump Links Gaza at Rubble Beach: Come for the adventure, stay for the gaslighting.

References

Peter Baker. “An Unbound Trump Pushes an Improbable Plan for Gaza”. New York Times, February 5, 2025.
https://nytimes.com/2025/02/05/us/politics/trump-gaza-netanyahu-takeover.html

Mohamad Bazzi. “Trump is using the presidency to seek golf deals. Hardly anyone’s paying attention.” London: The Guardian, February 27, 2025.
https://theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/feb/27/trump-pga-liv-saudi-arabia

Jonathan Freedland. “Trump is fueling lethal fantasies of driving people from their land”. London: The Guardian, 7 February 2025.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/feb/07/middle-east-land-people-donald-trump-gaza

FXB Center for Health & Human Rights. “Press Release: New study shows Israel air-dropped 2000lb bombs within lethal and damage ranges of hospitals in Gaza”. Boston, MA: Harvard University, October 10, 2024.
https://fxb.harvard.edu/2024/10/10/new-study-shows-israel-air-dropped-2000lb-bombs-within-lethal-and-damage-ranges-of-hospitals-in-gaza

Luke Garrett. “Vance defends spreading claims that Haitian migrants are eating pets”. National Public Radio, September 15, 2024.
https://npr.org/2024/09/15/nx-s1-5113140/vance-false-claims-haitian-migrants-pets

Mark Landler, Lara Jakes & Maggie Haberman. “Trump’s Request of an Ambassador: Get the British Open for Me”. New York Times, July 16, 2021.
https://nytimes.com/2020/07/21/world/europe/trump-british-open.html

Michael D. Shear, Peter Baker & Isabel Kershner. “Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover of Gaza and Says All Palestinians Should Leave”. New York Times, February 4, 2025.
https://nytimes.com/2025/02/04/us/politics/trump-gaza-strip-netanyahu.html