US Navy commissions first openly-straight officer
SAN DIEGO — Ensign Salvador Santiago “Triple S Clutch” Sanchez may look like your average junior Naval officer, but he and the US Navy just made history. Sanchez, a prior-enlisted chief Gas Turbine Systems Technician-Mechanical, is the first openly-straight officer in the history of United States Naval service.
“We are very proud of this milestone,” said Adm. Lisa Francetti, the Chief of Naval Operations, until Hegseth wakes up from his latest weekend bender. “Certainly, Sal is not the first straight man to serve, but you could only assume or speak in hushed tones about it back then. Now, he can serve his country proudly and openly.”
Sanchez is not the first person in his family to join the Navy, and he asserts that he is not even the first heterosexual to join.
“My grandpa was a straight guy in the Navy during Vietnam,” Sanchez explained. “Even at that time, being straight was kind of frowned upon. Sure, all the other Sailors were hooking up with prostitutes, but that is because compulsory bisexuality was really common.”
Some may deem this a trivial achievement for the Navy, but Sanchez’s commanding officer, Capt. Gina Love, disagrees.
“Seeing his wife walk up in front of the crowd to pin his butter bars on was truly inspiring,” Love said after swearing in Sanchez as an officer. “Like, certainly, I try not to think about straight sex because it is just kind of gross — but I have to admit, they both deserve the same rights that we do.”
Despite the support of his superiors, Sanchez’s commissioning and its celebration have not been entirely accepted.
“Back in my day, there was no gay or straight! There were just holes and portholes. This generation cares far too much about identity politics,” one person remarked on a veteran-focused Reddit message board.
“This is ridiculous,” retired Marine Col. Doug Tonel declared in a Facebook Live truck rant. “If the Navy starts turning all straight and parading those folks around, then what will the rest of the world think of us as a fighting force?”
Meanwhile, many others inside and out of the fleet are concerned about readiness and commitment to duty. An anonymous sailor even went as far as to ask the following:
“He likes ladies… Cool, fine. But what will happen when he has to go out to sea for three full months? Do we expect him to just suck it up and keep himself pure for his wife? Seriously, this lifestyle choice makes no sense. I am pretty sure this guy just wants attention.”
Regardless of his sexuality, Salvador Sanchez has served his country with honor and distinction. His loyalty, and his butthole, are truly unbreakable.
Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass.