Starbucks made the right decision getting rid of these 13 ridiculous drinks
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- Starbucks is retiring 13 of its less popular and more complicated drinks.
- This includes several of its famous Frappuccinos.
- Good riddance, I say!
First, let me say: If the Chocolate Cookie Crumble Crème Frappuccino was your favorite drink, I'm sorry. Accept my condolences that it's among the 13 beverages to be deaccessioned from Starbucks' menu — never to crumble or frapp again.
I know the retirement of your favorite obscure-flavored, mass-market food or beverages can be painful. I still mourn Diet Vanilla Coke in a 20-ounce bottle. (2002-2005, RIP.)
But with a clear head, anyone can see that the list of drinks that Starbucks' new CEO is axing makes sense. Quite simply, things had gotten out of hand.
Here are the drinks headed off to sweet treat Valhalla:
- Iced Matcha Lemonade
- Espresso Frappuccino
- Caffè Vanilla Frappuccino
- White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino
- Java Chip Frappuccino
- Chai Crème Frappuccino
- Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino
- Double Chocolaty Chip Crème Frappuccino
- Chocolate Cookie Crumble Crème Frappuccino
- White Chocolate Crème Frappuccino
- White Hot Chocolate
- Royal English Breakfast Latte
- Honey Almondmilk Flat White
Look, I'm sure the Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino hits a certain sweet tooth. By no means am I yucking anyone's yum — but goodness gravy, these drinks are ridiculous.
Most of these drinks are probably higher in sugar and calories than people expect. (A 16-ounce Caramel Ribbon Crunch Crème Frappuccino has 420 calories and 22 grams of fat — or nearly 30% of your daily fat guideline.) I'm not proposing Starbucks shouldn't offer dessert-ish drinks, but I can understand why Starbucks doesn't want its drinks to be synonymous with unhealthy indulgences.
To be clear: No one, certainly not my primary-care physician, would ever accuse me of being a healthy eater — and I love a novelty sweet treat. I am not joking or saying this for effect, but I literally was ambiently snacking on a few of the new Post Malone novelty Oreos while writing this.
Starbucks menu cuts are supposed to improve service
A representative for Starbucks told Business Insider that the move to cut these whimsical sugar bombs will help make the rest of the service at Starbucks better. In an email to my colleague, Starbucks said it will "make way for innovation, help reduce wait times, improve quality and consistency, and align with our core identity as a coffee company."
I worked at Starbucks in the late 1990s, at the dawn of the Frappuccino era, and I can tell you from experience that making these drinks was slow, labor-intensive, and unpleasant. I'm sure that the methods have gotten more efficient in the last 20 years, but I'd wager that these are still some of the most annoying drinks to make — they take extra time and require the baristas to learn obscure ingredients and ratios, which can lead to more errors in drinks.
Starbucks' new CEO, Brian Niccol, has said that he wants the chain to get back to its origins as a place people want to hang out — and shift away from the mobile app ordering that exploded during the pandemic. Part of the rise of mobile ordering is that it allowed — even encouraged — people to add extra syrup pumps and toppings for increasingly elaborate customized drinks that would go viral on TikTok.
The drinks got wackier and wackier, and it's time to rein it back in.
A Frappuccino is a wonderful invention, and the addition of the Mocha Frappuccino was inspired and brilliant. But when we're getting down to the difference between the Double Chocolaty Chip Crème Frappuccino and a Chocolate Cookie Crumble Crème Frappuccino? Get real.
These nonsense drinks have been mercifully taken out behind the dumpster and murdered. And it's the right call. Bravo, Starbucks.