The best and worst Christmas songs of all-time

Let’s talk about Christmas songs

The 2024 NFL season is entering the stretch run. College football just completed the first round of the inaugural 12-team College Football Playoff. Women’s volleyball is coming off an incredible Final Four that not only saw Penn State reverse sweep Nebraska in the semifinals but then go on to win the title. NBA and NHL seasons are heating up as well.

But it is also Christmas Week, so let’s hit pause on all that “sports stuff” and talk Christmas songs.

We’ve each picked a song we love, a song we want banished from all manner of polite society, and an Honorable Mention, which is really just a fancy blogger way of saying “look there’s another song we love that we want to write about a bit.”

Let’s dive in. Happy Holidays.

Holiday songs we love

“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” by Thurl Ravenscroft — Mark Schofield

“You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch.”

Thus begins my favorite Christmas song ever.

There are two reasons why this song is my personal favorite. The first one? This is the greatest diss track of all time. Kendrick Lamar is reading the lyrics wondering why Thurl Ravenscroft and company had to go so hard on it. My dear friend J.P. Acosta said of it this morning that it inspires him to be a better hater.

I mean, from the bat they just absolutely go in on the Grinch. (As an aside, a close second that we will address in a moment is “Scrooge” from A Muppets Christmas Carol, which is great because you have a bunch of Victorian Era Muppets just calling Ebenezer Scrooge a garbage human to his face). But this is the first verse:

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch
You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel

And it just goes from there. There’s talk of seasick crocodiles, toadstool sandwiches with arsenic sauce, and more. Just an incredible takedown.

But what makes this song great is we all know the destination this journey takes us. In the end, the Grinch discovers the true meaning of Christmas, and this absolute deplorable, soul-less creature is sharing Christmas dinner with the Whos as their honored guest, having learned so much along the way.

I love it. I absolutely love it.

“Silent Night’, by The Temptations — JP Acosta

Once you hear Dennis Edwards opening line, “In my mind”, you’re instantly transported into the most soulful and beautiful Christmas song of all time. The Temptations bring life to a Christmas song that is otherwise kind of boring, and their harmonization just makes takes it to a different level. You can’t listen to that song and not feel all warm inside, like a fresh cup of hot cocoa sitting by a fireplace.

What I love the most about the song is that it’s sectioned to that if you want to sing along, you can choose which part you want to sing along with when you’re with family. You got a lower voice pitch? The second verse is for the bassists in your life. You wanna try and sing soprano? Take the first verse.

It has something for everyone, and it just reminds you of the purest Christmas vibes, which makes it my favorite.

“Linus and Lucy,” by Vince Guaraldi Trio — James Dator

This wasn’t even on the album! One of the greatest Christmas bops of all time was a b-side that didn’t make the initial cut. Now, there are a ton of solid Christmas songs off A Charlie Brown Christmas, but Linus and Lucy is the chill, smoothy, jazzy number we all need when the holidays get overwhelming.

It’s also one of the few songs of the season that don’t have lyrics. This makes it the ultimate jam to unwind to, have a drink and still be in the spirit of the season, while also getting some much-needed silence. There is literally no Charlie Brown song more perfect than this and I’ll have it on for much of the month leading up to Christmas at times where I need a break from getting overloaded.

Some Honorable Mentions

“Scrooge” by the Muppets — Mark Schofield

Picture this: A bunch of Victorian Era Muppets dressed to the nines on Christmas Eve calling Michael Caine — in the role of Ebenezer Scrooge — just an awful human being, all in song form.

You don’t have to picture it, because here it is courtesy of A Muppets Christmas Carol:

It is incredible. And believe me, I think about this Tweet (and the various iterations thereof) non-stop during not just the Christmas season, but frankly throughout the entire year:

This song also gives us the iconic line: “No crust of bread for those in need, No cheeses for us meeces.”

Just fantastic.

“Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24”, by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra — JP Acosta

You know how hard you have to go in to create one of the greatest Christmas songs ever without even saying one word?

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra didn’t have to create the most epic Christmas track of all time, yet they did and gave my siblings and I every excuse to air guitar on our way to Target to get Christmas presents.

“Christmas in Hollis,” by Run DMC — James Dator

This song would slap if it wasn’t a Christmas song. Jam Master Jay’s beat is one of the sickest of the era, and by shaking some bells on top of it we’re transformed into something absolutely magic. The song is fun, it’s a blast to listen to, and it’ll make people smile. Everything I need during the holidays.

Who thought these were a good idea?

“Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Frank Loesser — Mark Schofield

Here we go.

We as a collective Internet society have now spent two decades debating this song. Yes, it’s true. According to this article from Rolling Stone the very first article regarding the somewhat perplexing messaging and lyrics of this song came in 2004, in this piece on Canada’s National Post.

Thus, two decades of debate began. Many pointing to the lyrics as problematic at best, counterpoints emerging regarding how the song and its message might have been a bit more feminist for its time. This Reddit thread, for example, can lead you down that path.

But our purposes here are to discuss best and worst Christmas songs, and under that criteria, this song has to be at the bottom.

Because simply put, this song has nothing — and I mean NOTHING — to do with Christmas.

It’s a winter song at most, one that radio stations probably started playing around the winter time and as a result it became associated with the holiday. But it has absolutely, positively, nothing to do with Christmas.

Whether you think the song is sketchy as hell — which is where I personally come down on the matter — or not, the fact remains that this is just not a Christmas song.

“Do They Know it’s Christmas” by Band Aid (Sting, Bono, Paul Young, Boy George, George Michael, Simon LeBon, Marilyn and Glenn Gregory) — JP Acosta

Just read these lyrics for me, and you’ll understand why I hate this song so much.

“But when you’re having fun, there’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear. Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears. And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom. Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you.”

THIS IS ABOUT CHILDREN IN ETHIOPIA, BY THE WAY!

I just feel some type of way about a song that assumes African children have no idea what Christmas is and that the greatest gift they’ll receive is life. I felt like a crazy person listening to people praise this song like it wasn’t basically backhanding the children of Ethiopia and saying to Americans that they should be thanking God that THOSE CHILDREN are going through this and not them.

Is that not weird to anyone? How is that a Christmas song? WHO GREENLIT THIS?

“Christmas Shoes,” by NewSong — James Dator

Name a single other song by “NewSong.” You can’t. Tell me that you knew without thinking twice that Christmas Shoes was by NewSong. You can’t.

I’m not inherently against the idea of a sad Christmas song, like, we’ve got Elvis’ Blue Christmas. The issue with Christmas Shoes is that it’s designed solely to make people emotional with all the nuance and depth of a Lifetime movie. That’s before we even talk about how this dude singing is telling this entire story to basically get a pat on the back for giving money so the kid can buy the shoes.

It’s all performative, self-congratulatory bullshit wrapped in a story about a mother dying of cancer on Christmas. It hate everything about this trash.