Dear Abby: He shouldn’t demand that his mom make new friends
DEAR ABBY: “Looking Out for Mom in Chicago” (Aug. 16) was concerned that 69-year-old Mom wasn’t getting out and socializing now that she has moved closer to him and his wife, and worried they’ll be her only support as she ages.
They also said she’s always been shy.
As a nearly 70-year-old introvert, I understand how their mom feels.
Moving to a new place with no friends isn’t exactly a bad thing when you’re introverted. I get all the socializing I need when I go to town to shop and talk with familiar clerks.
To force an introvert into situations they aren’t familiar with is stressful on the person. It’s a terribly uncomfortable situation.
People need to realize that there are folks out there who really are fine in their own company.
— CATHY IN WISCONSIN
DEAR CATHY: Thank you for lending your insight. Other readers who have “been there” also shared their experiences. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a social worker who has worked with elders for years, I guarantee that “Looking”‘s mom will not respond well to, nor comply with, being told she “must” make friends and interact with others.
She may be grieving the loss of her friends back home, her previous faith community and more. She may need time to reconcile all of this.
If she’s active, staying healthy and taking care of herself, let her decide when she’s ready to reach out and broaden her circle. Friendships and social activities can’t be forced. They occur organically.
Rather than her son and daughter-in-law dictating what she should do, how about sitting down with her and gently exploring how she is adjusting, and how they can help her in a more supportive way?
— SILVER-HAIRED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR ABBY: You were on the right track to suggest that “Mom” become a volunteer. Volunteering allows the person to get involved to whatever degree they wish in their areas of interest.
I joined a dog therapy group in my hometown. It provides casual, short-term visits in hospitals, rehab centers, nursing homes, school campuses, businesses and manufacturing facilities. The focus of dog therapy is primarily on the person being visited — but everyone benefits.
— DON IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: May I suggest they have Mom’s hearing tested? Not being able to hear what is going on discourages people from joining in and getting involved in group settings.
— MARGO IN ILLINOIS
DEAR ABBY: You might add, on behalf of Shy Mom, that taking an adult education class or two in the local community, in subjects that interest her, will give her access to potential friends. Better yet, she can be in the class but not required to interact with “strangers” unless she wants to.
— JOHN J. IN CALIFORNIA
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.