Sex acts in the stalls, sloshed dames and rowdy middle-aged women: inside ‘filthy but fun’ adult pantos sweeping the UK

IT’S 6pm on Saturday night and a group of boisterous women spill out of a minibus ready for a boozy night in the capital.

Dressed in leather trousers, sparkly tops and heels, they’re set for a night of debauchery; one last opportunity to let their hair down before the madness of Christmas takes over.

But this isn’t a bunch of middle-age women excitedly gearing up to watch the Dreamboys strippers take their clothes off. Oh, no it is not!

This fun bunch are arriving at Charing Cross Theatre just off London’s iconic West End for some adult, X-rated panto in the form of Jack and The Beanstalk: What a Whopper!

Packed full of crude jokes and more penis-shaped props than one can count, the very raunchy show is a grown-up take on the family-friendly fairytale.

Production companies producing provocative storylines have been cropping up around the UK over the last decade. And now, business is booming. 

Leading pantomime producers and theatres which host them are reporting as much as a 17% year-on-year increase in ticket sales for festive productions, according to industry bible, The Stage. 

Touring production company P*ssed Up Panto regularly sells out at venues across the UK because fans can’t get enough of its boozy renditions of classic childhood tales, which sees the audience nominate a member of cast to get… P*ssed up.

Even the shows they take to Wimborne, a quaint market town in Dorset, and Brierley Hill, a small town near Dudley in the West Midlands, are a sell out. 

Tickets start at around £25 for venues up north, including Sunderland and Stoke-on-Trent. Meanwhile, in London, adult panto fans shell more than £50 for a ticket for shows.

The seasonal shows feature a dame, a raunchy storyline, an abundance of penis-shaped props and an auditorium packed with sloshed adults who heckle the actors. 

And, as I saw on my Wednesday night outing (sober, of course) to watch a naughty rendition of kids’ tale Jack and The Beanstalk, the demographic is varied. 

There’s groups of middle-aged women on their annual Christmas night out, married couples having booze-fuelled tiffs in the audience and even high-flying businessmen who buy a ticket just because they enjoy a telling off by the feisty dame. 

Production company He’s Behind You! went from putting on small-time shows above a rickety London pub to now selling out Charing Cross Theatre – which seats 263 guests per night – in the space of two years.

Its 2023 show, Sleeping Beauty Takes A Prick, was such a hit that the company is now back at the coveted venue this Chrimbo.

And elsewhere across the country, the choice of adult pantos is huge. 

There’s Peter Pan & the Lusty Boys in Guildford, The Liar, The B*tch and The Wardrobe in London’s Turbine Theatre and Throbbin Wood at The King’s Theatre in Gloucester. 

CARNAGE IS WELCOMED

One common theme runs through all of them – carnage is welcomed. 

Groups of women stumbling arm-in-arm into the theatre – all while singing, dancing and slurring their words before the curtain even goes up – is the norm. 

According to the team at He’s Behind You!, drinks before, during and after the show is a must, as is heckling, swearing and arguing with your husband if he’s not joining in.

Kids panto this is not, and the closer it creeps towards Christmas, the drunker the audience gets. 

“It’s filthy but it’s fun,” says Matt Baldwin, 46, who is currently starring as Dame Dolly Trott in Jack and The Beanstalk: What a Whopper. “Everyone here would rather be here than just about anywhere else.”

And middle-aged women get up to the most mischief, the actor tells me.

“They’ve been known to tell performers that they’re ‘not f****g funny’ and scream that the show is ‘s**t’ during monologues,” he says.

“But then when I see them outside afterwards, they tell me they’ve had the best night of their lives.”

Matt has even had to tell plastered ladies to “shut up” during the show, including one who got so hammered last week that she nearly keeled over during the final scene.

Audience members crashing the stage isn’t unheard of either. Matt says he once had to waltz a very drunk woman off stage mid-performance. 

“I delivered her into the wings and made the rest of the crew deal with that,” he jokes. 

In another night on stage, some of the cast struggled to recall their lines after being distracted by two women inappropriately touching each other in the front row.

BACKSTAGE BEHAVIOUR 

There’s a buzz backstage before the show, but it’s not the glitz and glamour one might expect from showbiz. Instead, it’s a buzz of camaraderie and wholesome feel-good vibes.

The dressing rooms leave a lot to be desired: there’s rumours of mice running in the corridors, parts of the ceiling are falling through and Lost Mary vapes add a splash of colour to the well-thumbed sideboards. 

I’m told that this jaded vibe is common for theatres up and down the country.

Catering is out of the question too. Instead, the cast are left to squabble over whether it’s acceptable to heat a chicken curry in the microwave shortly before they all take to the stage. 

Performers put on their own make-up, style their own hair and help each other apply gel nails.

“This cast creates such a positive environment, so you don’t mind it,” says Jordan Stamatiadas, 28, who plays villainous Lady Fleshcreep in the production. 

Having grown up in Sydney, Australia, her first exposure to pantomime was arguably a baptism of fire – she landed a place in He’s Behind You!’s inaugural Charing Cross Theatre production, Sleeping Beauty Takes A Prick, last Christmas.

Jordan moved to London to study at London’s Royal Academy of Music in 2021 and is now in her second year working for the adult pantomime production company.

“I didn’t know what a panto was when I booked this job last year,” she continues.

“I found it really bizarre, but it’s so much fun.”

The cast are averaging around eight shows a week this Christmas, with two performances on Saturdays and Sundays.

Producer Oli Sones says that ticket sales are doing “very well” and show no signs of slowing down in future.

PENIS GAGS

A blurb on the production reads: “Jack Trott is very poor… and very horny, living with his mum on a dilapidated dairy farm 10 miles from the nearest Grindr user. 

“When he sells their beloved cow for a handful of magic beans, his mum throws them in the compost – and they wake up to the biggest, thickest stalk they’ve ever seen. Is there a giant at the top? And if so… is he all in proportion?

“This magical musical adventure is everything a panto should be – just NOT for all the family!”

At any given point in Jack and The Beanstalk: What a Whopper!, you’ll spot a penis on stage. 

The rounded tip of the beanstalk has something suggestive about it, while the cardboard giant that appears in the second act has one dangling between its legs. 

Even a wooden ‘sex toy’ gets a lead part in this year’s show. 

“I have to hide it up my skirt,” Jordan laughs. “I have to do a whole scene in heels trotting about while I’ve got it squeezed between my thighs.

“Last week, it got rubbed with a cloth that had something sticky on it, but I didn’t realise.

“So, when I had to pull it out from between my legs during the show on stage, it got stuck to my thighs.”

And whilst the stars of adult pantos certainly put on a stellar performance night after night and seem unnerved by what’s expected of them, Jordan adds: “I just can’t work with a sticky dildo.”