5 signs someone will be a nightmare to divorce, according to a divorce lawyer
James J. Sexton
- A divorce lawyer said the person you marry is exactly who you'll divorce.
- If someone in the equation is even slightly unreasonable, divorce can get ugly, he said.
- He shared signs a partner will be vindictive and petty should you ever decide to divorce.
When you consider marrying your partner, it makes sense to also think about getting divorced. More importantly, who you marry can predict if your divorce will be expensive, messy, and drawn-out.
"You divorce exactly the person you married," James J. Sexton, a divorce attorney in New York City, told Business Insider. "If you're married to someone who's spiteful, conflict-oriented, vengeful, or extremely obsessed with money, then yeah, that's what they're going to be like in the divorce."
Not all the signs are that obvious, though, and it doesn't take much to make divorce proceedings unbearable.
"All you need is one unreasonable person in this equation and you're going to have an ugly divorce," Sexton said, whether it's your partner or the lawyer they hired.
From his experience as a divorce attorney, Sexton shared some signs a partner will be unpleasant in divorce court.
They're comfortable taking big risks
Finance guys have had a moment in the dating scene, but the same thing that makes them wealthy might hint at a rough divorce: their high tolerance to risk.
Sexton said that the clients he's represented who work in finance tend to be "very comfortable" with taking risks because it's often a core feature of their jobs. They might continue to fight over a clause, especially if they have the money to do so. Sexton has talked some of these clients down from playing games.
For example, Sexton said he has one client who's worth $800 million. Theoretically, he could drop $50,000 to argue over the exact start times of the kids' Thanksgiving visitation days, he said, knowing his spouse won't be able to hold out. "For me, I would eat turkey another day. I'm not going to spend $50,000 arguing over that," Sexton said.
They're confrontational
If you identify as a people-pleaser or conflict-avoidant person, dating someone who's more confrontational can feel amazing at first, Sexton said. "They can be your champion," he said, being the person to call the super or negotiate better deals on your wedding.
"But just remember when you divorce that person, they're not conflict-avoidant," he added. He's had conflict-avoidant clients worry about asking for more and risk upsetting their partner.
"I often say to clients: 'You can't divorce someone and have them not notice.'" For those who have especially confrontational exes (but who shy away from conflict themselves), he recommends getting an aggressive lawyer to balance the dynamic out.
They're vindictive, especially about money
Divorce quickly gets expensive. "You could easily spend $10,000 arguing over a bank account worth $8,000," Sexton said.
In his experience, a frugal person might feel incentivized to wrap up the divorce quickly to save money on legal fees. But someone who "will fight over the littlest amount of money" is a red flag.
Sexton gave the example of getting a small accidental charge on a restaurant bill. Pointing out the error in a polite way is fine, but if they're rude and demanding to the staff, it shows they're willing to escalate things if they feel entitled to something.
In divorce court, this can turn into pettiness over assets, even if (ironically) they financially lose more by prolonging the fight. Sexton has had clients express dismay at how vindictive their exes are. "I'm like, 'Oh, really? Was he not a vindictive person during the marriage?'"
Almost always, the ex had those traits all throughout the relationship.
They often jump to conclusions
Sexton said one of the most important qualities to look for in a partner is how reactive they are.
"In a divorce, there are a lot of opportunities to be paranoid, to get upset at somebody, to take something the wrong way," he said, especially if you're communicating through counsel.
For instance, moving money into a separate bank account can arouse suspicion in the partner. Someone who goes "from 0 to 100 quick" will increase tensions every time they perceive wrongdoing.
They can't take accountability
Sexton said that people who struggle to see their own faults — such as labeling all their exes as bad people — are probably not going to change in divorce court.
These people tend to be emotionally immature and bad at handling conflict in general. "When they're cornered, do they attack? Do they concede the possibility of their own error?" he said. If they're unable to apologize or acknowledge their own flaws, it can translate to trouble in divorce when they paint their ex as the villain.
More than likely, their lack of self-awareness and inability to be wrong might be why they were served divorce papers in the first place.