The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Get Ready for Eddie

Let’s hear it for the hero of this episode. No, not Eddie “Stop Saying I’m Gay” Judge, Emily and Shane’s son Luke (or maybe Keller, they’re twins and it didn’t say which). When they’re getting ready to go to a party at Katie’s house, they ask him what they should bring to someone who invited them over. “Pot!” is his one-word reply. Yassssss, my future stoner! Let’s normalize more people bringing pot as a host gift. I don’t drink, chocolates make me fat, and flowers make me sneeze. However, a nice $20 joint to enjoy before dessert? Sign me up, sister! And look at how wasted everyone always gets on this show. Tamra is so drunk she fumbled her storming out of that party, stumbling over Katie’s gate. If she was stoned, she wouldn’t have even cared about all the shit Ryan was talking about her and her family.

Before we get to that, let us first discuss Terry Dubrow’s plastic surgery. He’s getting a nose job because his snoring is so loud. “How loud is it?” you ask. His snoring is so loud that it is being used as an excuse for a nose job, just like Kyle Richard’s broken nose on the set of Halloween 27, which was an excuse for hers. I don’t love to make fun of people’s appearances on these shows (unless that person is PK, an ingrown areola hair), but it seems like Terry’s face is 94 percent Play-Doh at this point. He’s going to do more to it? This is a guy who is on a show about botched plastic surgery. When does he step away from the easel?

The interesting thing about this scene, though, is that it is a short moment between Heather and Terry. They’re in the waiting room talking about what is going on with Heather and Gina, and Terry tells Heather that she doesn’t get over things quickly. They have to hash it out two or three times, and the editors do us the favor of showing the number of times that Katie and Heather have talked about the nonsense about Katie saying Heather called the paps. (That she called the paps is as clear as the new nose on Terry’s face.) No one knows Heather like Terry, and he totally called it. That has always been her modus operandi on the show for a decade. When she’s aggrieved, she forces people to do their penance before she forgives them. We should start calling her 10 Hail Marys Dubrow.

But the moment is the walking down the hallway and Heather tells him, “Don’t admonish me on camera. I don’t like that.” That moment, right there, is exactly Heather. She is so worried about this façade of perfection that she’s putting up for the world she won’t allow reality in there. She is dazzled so much by her own myth; it’s reflecting so much light back at her that she can’t see anyone else because she’s trying too hard for everyone around her, everyone on the other side of the camera, every one half paying attention while folding their laundry to think she’s perfect.

That’s exactly what happened last episode when Emily tried to talk about how she felt at Heather’s fashion show. Emily says as much in this episode. She says she wanted to talk to Heather and just get Heather to see her and understand her feelings, but Heather can’t see past her own self-mythologizing to put Emily in focus. It doesn’t help that they all had Jesus Juggs screaming about how terrible it’s going to be the next day when things really come out. We see a flashback to Jenn’s Jenga party, and Alexis says, “John has lost everything because of her lies.” Everything? Really everything? He doesn’t still have a nice house on the water, a boat, a few kids who love him, and a wardrobe full of stupid scarves to wear on Watch What Happens Live. That’s not everything now, is it?

The next day, the article drops in People magazine (or is it “on People magazine” since it’s more of a website than a print publication?), and everyone knows about the lawsuit. Tamra says she is going to call Shannon, “Because she’s probably in the fetal position somewhere.” When she calls, Shannon doesn’t answer. However, she gets a butt dial soon after where she can overhear Shannon crying hysterically, blaming it all on Alexis and her publicist, and saying she’s so tired. Now, I love a hot mic, I love overhearing something we shouldn’t, but I don’t feel like butt dials should be admissible in a court of law or the reality television arts and sciences. This is not something Shannon meant to do or thought was going to be overlooked, like Heather’s comment to Terry when she thought they were off camera. This is a technological malfunction. This is serendipity going completely awry and possibly hurting Shannon and I don’t think we should stand for it. Haha. Just kidding. If our phones are listening to us every second of every day, why shouldn’t we be listening to other peoples’ phones whenever we can?

Here’s the thing: I don’t think Alexis is behind all of this. No, no, no, no, no. I think she is being played by her Johnny J. I think this guy found her so that he could get back on the show and that he has been orchestrating all of it since then. I know the author of the People article is close with several of the women from the OC. John very likely could have had his phone number or email address to send that lawsuit as soon as it was filed. They don’t need a publicist and Alexis has never been that savvy in her approach to the show, so I think for sure it’s the Janssen half of JJ Squared that is responsible rather than the Juggs half. I guess that’s the patriarchy, though, right? Instead of going after the man who is ruining both of their lives, he has effectively pitted them against each other for our entertainment. Andy Cohen should send this asshole a fruit basket. Or better yet, listen to Keller (or maybe Luke) and send him some of Pure Beauty’s finest products. (The mint-flavored joints are da bomb dot com.)

After a home scene where Gina talks about her hottie ex, Matt, marrying his hottie girlfriend Britt (who must be boring, or else they would have cast her on this show), we’re off to Katie’s couples party at her house. Gina can’t make it, and Shannon isn’t invited because she’s not in a couple. She also sent a message to the group chat telling them that she would not be getting out of bed or changing out of her jammie jams for two weeks after the lawsuit news. It turns out Katie is an excellent host. She even went to BevMo and got Malibu rum for Ryan to have his signature drink, but they were all out of Diet Pepsi, so he had to settle for Diet Coke.

The big drama is that this is going to be the first time that Eddie Judge — Tamra’s mild-mannered husband who has never been able to take a bath again after the embarrassment of that scene — and Jenn Pedranti’s boyfriend Ryan are going to see each other and they’re in a fight. It’s a shame because we see Ryan shopping at his and Eddie’s favorite store, Overly Pattered Shirts and Jackets with Patches ‘R’ Us. Why can’t these two get along? Well, it’s because Ryan went on a podcast and talked all kinds of shit about Tamra and Eddie.

When Ryan, who had to go to the Too Tight Jeans Emporium to complete his outfit, arrives at the party, Eddie greets him, but when Ryan goes in for a hug, Eddie refuses. He walks away, saying, “I have nothing to say to you.” I have always had great admiration for Eddie Judge. Though he came onto the show a little hot, he’s always known his place, stayed out of the fracas, not gotten involved in women’s business, and only spoken his mind only when Tamra asks. He’s the ideal Real Housewife husband: quiet, unobtrusive, and hotter than a Dunkin’ coffee that spills in your lap. For Eddie to be this mad about something and do something about it on camera means he has to be pretty hurt.

That said, I don’t think what Ryan had to say about Tamra and Eddie on that podcast, at least the snippets we heard on the show, is that bad. Tamra said that he talked about her as a mother, but when the podcast host asked about Tamra’s children, Ryan demurred. He also didn’t really talk about Eddie as a businessman. He says people had nothing good to say about Tamra and Eddie, but he still patronized their gym, which he wouldn’t have done if it had been a horrible business. Also, Tamra really did drag this guy’s name through the mud last season. Was she not expecting retaliation of any sort?

I don’t like both sides of this debate going around calling each other “little bitches” or “baby bitches” or whatever the fuck. I heard enough of that in the three gym classes I managed not to skip in high school, I certainly don’t need it on my Housewives. What I do agree with is that Eddie didn’t talk shit about Ryan. He related a story about how a friend of Ryan’s came up to him at a party and said watch out for your wife ‘cause Ryan likes to fuck married women. Ryan says if he had heard that, he would have sat Eddie down and said they had a problem. That is totally the wrong reaction. Eddie is right; he doesn’t need to do anything because he is secure in his relationship with Tamra and knows that even if another dude hits on her, she won’t be unfaithful to him. He doesn’t need to say anything. But if this story is true (and I totally believe it is), then I find no fault in Eddie repeating it.

I do think it’s a little nasty that Ryan posted a picture of Tamra and her son Ryan and said, “This is the only Ryan you should be worried about.” If it was just the picture and the comment, that would be good and funny, and if Angie K. put that on a scroll, it would have been hilarious. The problem is he then linked to a picture of Ryan’s decade-old dick pic so that (according to Tamra) people could compare it to Ryan’s. There’s no reason to take a dig at Ryan when he’s mad at his mother, and there is certainly no reason to dredge up embarrassing shit on the internet. Ryan Vieth (Tamra’s son) has it bad enough; he doesn’t need to be dragged into this.

The real bomb comes when Tamra — so drunk she’s spilling drinks all over the Ginellas’ kitchen — brings up how the FBI is investigating Ryan’s bestie for illegal gambling. While I don’t think what Ryan did on the podcast was so wrong, I also think that he is a character so shady that he lives under a pergola. Just listen to him try to explain what he does to Katie’s husband, Matt. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if you can’t explain your job in four words, then you are a grifter. That’s when Tamra stumbles off without telling anyone and puts an end to the scene.

But across town, something else was unfolding. Shannon Storms Beador washed her face and got into her comfiest jammy jams. She got into bed and called for the love of her life. “Archie. Time to go night night,” she yelled, waving a baby carrot. Archie saw or smelled it or both, jumping right up on the bed and snuggling into Shannon. She snuggled up to his neck and again started sobbing, moistening his fur and collar like she had so many times before. But he didn’t mind. He loved it. No one can calm her, no one can settle her. Shannon is a dervish of despair and a black hole of need, but Archie still loves her. Archie always loves her. He lied there feeling his neck get wetter and wetter with each moment, thinking, I’m the best boy. I’m the best boy. Can I have another carrot? I’m the best boy.