Mental health experts share 4 tell-tale signs of a guilt trip and ways to respond without giving in

• A friend or loved one who wants something from you may try to guilt you into doing what they want. 
• They may make sarcastic remarks, bring up mistakes you made in the past, or withhold affection. 
• Experts suggest starting a conversation, setting clear boundaries, and taking space if you need it.

If someone in your life has ever made you feel guilty in an attempt to get you to do something, you know firsthand how distressing a guilt trip can be.

To be clear, feeling guilty isn't always a bad thing — when appropriate, it can motivate you to try and correct a wrongdoing. 

A guilt trip, however, usually involves trying to make you feel unjustified or excessive guilt — and that's a form of emotional manipulation, according to Megan Tangradi, a licensed professional counselor and Clinical Director at Achieve Wellness & Recovery.

Guilt-tripping can show up in a range of contexts, from work relationships and friendships to romantic partnerships.

Whatever the situation, this behavior can make you second-guess yourself and do things you'd rather not, simply to avoid feelings of guilt and smooth things over, says Jacqueline Connors, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice.

Over time, Connors says guilt-tripping can lead to: 

• Increased feelings of anxiety
• Toxic shame
• Self-doubt
• Low self-worth

Guilt-tripping can also erode trust and intimacy while breeding resentment in relationships. In fact, evidence suggests giving into a guilt trip could make you feel worse about your relationship. 

Learning to recognize the signs of a guilt trip can help you put a stop to this behavior. Below, therapists share tips to spot guilt trips — and respond productively.

Signs of a guilt trip

Here are four common signs of a guilt trip to pay attention to: 

1. Sarcastic or passive-aggressive statements

Passive-aggressive or sarcastic comments are often intended to make you feel excessively guilty or ashamed, according to Connors.

For example, say you call a friend. Instead of sounding happy to hear from you, they say in a biting tone, "Wow, nice to finally hear from you — good to know you could finally fit me into your busy schedule." This guilt trip may make you feel like you're a bad friend for not getting in touch sooner. 

Or, maybe when you confront your mom about something hurtful she said, she responds by saying, "Well, I guess I'm just the worst mother in the world." In this case, the guilt trip may cause you to avoid confronting your mother about any unkind remarks she makes in the future.

2. Implying you owe them something

Ever said "no" when someone asked for a favor? Maybe this prompted them to start listing all the sacrifices they've made for you or all the times you've helped them out. Connors says this is another major sign of a guilt trip.

This tactic may leave you feeling obligated to do whatever that person wants you to do — how can you not, with all they've done for you? 

3. Playing the victim

Maybe a friend or family member asks you if you're free to meet up one night, and you tell them you have to work.

If their response is, "I get it, I'm just not as important to you as your job," or "It's fine, I know you don't care about me," that's a glaring guilt trip, according to Joni Ogle, a licensed clinical social worker and CEO of The Heights Treatment. 

This tactic, often known as "playing the victim," might include:

• Exaggerating their misfortunes
• Blaming others for things that go wrong in their life
• Trying to "one-up" your upsetting or challenging experiences to win sympathy
• Holding grudges and frequently bringing up your past mistakes

This approach puts you in a defensive position where you need to prove how much you value that person.

4. Refusing to tell you what you did wrong

When someone seems upset with you but won't tell you why, Connors says that's another form of guilt-tripping. 

They might: 

• Act cold and distant
• Refuse to communicate what's on their mind
• Give you the silent treatment
• Withhold love and affection

In a nutshell, they imply you did something wrong, but they won't explain what happened and give you the chance to apologize and make things right. 

You may then feel as if you have to correct something — though you have no idea what — before they allow you back into their good graces.

It may go without saying, but this tactic can be incredibly destructive, not to mention cause plenty of emotional turmoil. In fact, evidence suggests the silent treatment can cause such immense stress that it can distract you from focusing on other tasks and interfere with your sleep.

How to respond to guilt tripping

Given that guilt trips can do so much damage to your mental health and relationships, therapists say it's worth taking certain steps to protect yourself — rather than just ignoring the behavior. Here's what they advise.

1. Turn inward and ask questions

When you catch yourself feeling guilty, Hui Ting Kok, a licensed mental health counselor in private practice, advises checking in with yourself to determine if your guilt is justified or someone is manipulating you.

For example: 

• Did you treat someone in a way that you wouldn't accept?
• Did you behave in a way that goes against your values?
• If you made a mistake, did you neglect to apologize or attempt to repair the situation?

If you answer "no" to these questions, there's a good chance you've been sent on a guilt trip.

2. Acknowledge your feelings

If you find yourself on the receiving end of a guilt trip, Ogle advises simply acknowledging your emotions — for instance, by journaling about how this behavior has compromised your trust or made you feel frustrated, or telling a trusted friend. 

By doing so, you become better prepared to express your feelings more accurately if you choose to confront the other person. 

According to one review, people who acknowledge and accept their emotions after experiencing distress are less likely to: 

• Experience depression or anxiety
• Self-harm or binge drink to avoid their feelings 

Acknowledging your emotions can also be an inherently validating experience — in part because doing so can help boost your awareness of the type of behavior you will and won't tolerate in relationships.

3. Have a conversation about it

In some cases, someone may be guilt-tripping you without realizing it. For example, this behavior often happens as a defense against a fear of abandonment or conflict. 

In fact, a 2021 review found that people who fear abandonment are more likely to use manipulative tactics to keep their romantic partners around.

Some people who use this tactic also may not realize just how hurtful their behavior is.

That's why Collins advises having an open, honest conversation with them. Here's a loose format to follow:

• Give examples: Share a specific example or two of their problematic behavior.
• Tell them how the guilt trips make you feel: For example, you might say, "I've noticed when I have to turn down plans because I'm busy, you seem to take it personally. When you say things like 'I'll just spend the weekend all alone again,' it really upsets me and puts me in a tough position."
• Ask questions: Instead of making an accusation, try showing curiosity about their intentions by asking something like "Why do you think you said that?" This is less likely to put them on the defensive and may make it easier to reach a place of mutual understanding. 
• Tell them how you'd like them to communicate with you in the future: If they often make passive-aggressive or sarcastic comments, you might ask them to instead tell you directly what they need from you.

4. Set boundaries with consequences

Establishing boundaries is one of the best ways to protect yourself from future guilt trips, Ogle says. When you set those boundaries, it's also important to make sure to communicate the consequences of overstepping them.  

For example, you might say: "I won't be able to help you when you bring up everything you've done for me in the past to persuade me into something. Instead, I'll have to end the conversation there."

Just remember, setting boundaries doesn't necessarily mean the people in your life will respect them. However, merely knowing your own boundaries can help you feel empowered in removing yourself from unhealthy or counterproductive conversations and situations. 

5. Offer empathy when you can

When you have this conversation, Tangradi says it can help to express empathy whenever possible. 

For example, if your mother says she's upset because you rarely ever call, you can validate her sadness or disappointment without taking responsibility for it. You might say, "I understand that you'd like to hear from me more, and that makes sense." 

According to one study, validating someone's feelings may discourage them from becoming aggressive if they have difficulty with emotional regulation.

Just know you never need to justify or excuse a guilt trip. You're simply showing compassion, which can disarm the person and may encourage them to show you compassion in return.  

6. Practice self-care

Dealing with guilt trips can take a serious toll on your energy, mood, motivation, and self-worth. 

That's why Becca Smith, a licensed professional counselor and chief clinical officer at Basepoint Academy, advises engaging in activities that make you feel empowered, confident, and recharged. 

Smith says participating in these kinds of activities can boost your self-esteem so you're better able to stand up for yourself when someone guilt trips you in the future.

Ogle says practicing mindfulness is a helpful self-care strategy because it can increase self-awareness, which allows you to more easily identify how guilt trips affect you. You might also try:

• Journaling about your emotions, accomplishments, or things you're grateful for
• Trying a new hobby, like gardening, photography, or golfing
• Exercising
• Starting a creative project
• Spending quality time with supportive friends and family

7. Work with a therapist

If someone keeps putting you in a difficult position with guilt trips, you might consider working with a professional to better navigate this dynamic.

According to Harris, a therapist can not only provide a safe space for you to process your feelings, but also help you learn how to:

• Recognize guilt trips
• Cope with difficult emotions, like anger or shame
• Set and reinforce boundaries

8. If necessary, create space

Let's say you try confronting someone about their guilt trips and they: 

• Refuse to acknowledge your feelings
• Repeatedly violate your boundaries
• Don't make any apparent effort to change their behavior

In any of these scenarios, Ogle says it's always OK to take a break from a relationship — or step away from it permanently.

Insider's takeaway

Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation that can cause stress, anxiety, resentment, and low self-worth — not to mention compromising trust and intimacy in relationships. 

If someone makes you feel like you owe them something, gives you the silent treatment, or makes passive-aggressive statements because they want you to do something, those are all red flags.

When you notice these behaviors, try acknowledging your feelings and sharing them with the person guilt-tripping you. Setting boundaries with consequences can also help protect you against future guilt trips. 

Most importantly, take care of yourself. That might mean working with a therapist to cope with the effects of these guilt trips or taking a break from the relationship to protect your mental health.