Wow, I Didn’t Expect to Run into You While I Was Wearing This Stupid New Bucket Hat
Hey, omg, what a surprise running into you while I’m trying out my new bucket hat at the age of thirty-seven. This is a little embarrassing, isn’t it? Because this hat is so dumb, right? OMG, it’s hard to hold eye contact! Looking at you from under this brim is, what’s the word I’m looking for, devastating. I thought it would be fun and nostalgic, but nothing—and I mean nothing—will shake your confidence quite like putting a hat on your head and then walking around like this.
You look great, though! Tell me what you’re up to these days. Tell me about your kids. Tell me what you honestly think of my hat.
I thought it was embarrassing when I saw what’s-her-name in the drugstore at 10 p.m. while I was in my sweat suit buying all that Gatorade after my cat died, but this is definitely worse. I can’t concentrate on anything. I know you’re telling me about your divorce, and it sounds awful, but how absolutely absurd is this hat I bought from Urban Outfitters for fifty-thousand dollars plus shipping?! Do I look like I’m in a boyband? My armpits are sweating. If the wind catches the brim and flips this hat off, I will kill myself.
God, I can’t believe how bad things have been for you lately with the divorce and your car brakes, I’m so sorry, but I honestly can’t process a word you’re saying. Are you going to mention my hat to anyone? I agree, it’s worse because it’s made of denim, and I would give anything for it to be cloth or canvas right now. I keep seeing people wearing them on social media, but they’re young and cool, and I’m almost forty and can’t use scented body products anymore without extreme itching at bedtime?! How funny is life, right? Hahaha, how funny is it! So funny.
Oh me? No, nothing new, really! Just this hat. Same job, yup. Yes, we broke up a while ago. I’m sure you can tell it’s been hard because of what I’m wearing on my head. Nothing says I feel pain more than a hat with a full brim, right? I see that now. Nothing says I’ve lost my way but found a hat more than a hat. If I’m being honest, I guess I thought I’d find myself in this hat? Hahaha, that sounds silly; what I mean is I’m hanging on by a thread. I’m absolutely rocked by the meaninglessness of everything. Lol, do you know what I mean?! Do you wait for the sweet release of sleep at night? I mean, do you ever think, maybe I won’t get up tomorrow, and I’ll stay in bed until I lose everything? Hehehe, nahhh, OMG same, JK, JK!
God, how nice is that sunshine today!! Mmmm, I wish this conversation would end! Hahahaha! Ahhhhaha. Great running into you, too! Totally, totally, we should dEfiNiTeLY do coffee. This hat? Oh, thank you! Same, I live for a hat. You should get one! I’ll send you the link—OMG, you’re going to love it.