If the Panthers trade Sam Darnold here’s what they could get in return

The Panthers are hoping to get something for Darnold and these are their best offers.

In unquestionably the funniest rumor of the offseason, the Carolina Panthers are reportedly shopping Sam Darnold.

Okay, okay — we know this has been more or less dispelled by everyone asked, but it’s still incredible. Imagining the Panthers playing hard ball for months over Baker Mayfield, only to then hope to find an even bigger sucker to take Darnold off their hands is simply sublime. Especially considering there’s an identical issue with Darnold making way too much money in relation to his performance, and basically being a one-year rental for anyone involved.

Let’s imagine for a second that someone decided they did want to trade for Sam Darnold. Hell, everyone makes bad choices sometimes. I bought some athletic capris in 2014 thinking they’d look cool — they did not. If someone wanted to obtain the quarterback equivalent of athletic capris here are the best trades you could imagine.

Seattle Seahawks trade ... a 15% off coupon for the Pike’s Place Fish Market

I don’t think the Seahawks would want, or need, Sam Darnold. This team is smart enough to know they’ll finish with a top draft pick in 2023 and be able to acquire a real QB as a result. However, I think a solid discount fish coupon would get the job done here.

Panthers GM Scott Fitterer used to be in Seattle. At this point I’m sure he’s missing some good fresh fish. It’s not that seafood is unobtainable in Charlotte, but it’s on a whole other level in the Pacific Northwest. Hell, he might even eat some of Darnold’s contract in exchange to eat some delicious halibut.

Denver Broncos trade ... a Denver omelette, minus all the fixins’ that make it a Denver omelette

Here’s a team who need a backup quarterback. Have you seen Denver’s depth chart? After Russell Wilson you’ve got Brett Rypien ... nobody should ever rely on Brett Rypien.

I don’t think the Panthers should expect much in return, because we’re talking about a trade for a backup. So I think three gently coagulated eggs would do the trick. It’s not fair to ask the Broncos to include diced peppers, ham, or cheese in return — Carolina can handle that element.

Cleveland Browns trade ... two links of Polish sausage

This is a generous deal. Personally I think Darnold is only worth one link, but necessity pushes the deal higher. A lot hinges on the final punishment of Deshaun Watson here, and while Cleveland already has Jacoby Brissett if they want a caretaker to help bridge the gap they should add Darnold to the mix.

What I love about this is that straight up Mayfield for Darnold deals were rumored back when the Panthers were first exploring a Baker trade. Now Carolina has Mayfield, and they could get two links of sausage too.

Atlanta Falcons trade ... a used CD copy of “Stankonia”

There’s a pretty clear succession line in Atlanta as the Falcons look to start Marcus Mariota and then move on to Desmond Ridder — but I think they can do a little better. Mariota is world’s better when healthy, but that’s a huge caveat. You don’t want to throw Ridder into the fire if Mariota goes down, so you throw Sam Darnold into the fire.

All it costs is a used Outkast CD. I think it’s absolute robbery for Carolina to get such a high quality piece of musical genius for a terrible quarterback.