Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My husband left me and our three daughters for another woman. We are now all friends with his wife and two children.

I spent many years shunning all suitors because I didn’t want the distraction of love. Another betrayal would have led to a severe depression. My children are all grown up now; all have good jobs where they can support themselves well. We all still live under the same roof.

I have done my duty as a wife and mother and they know I will always be there for them, but I want some me time now.

I have been seeing a man for over two years. At first, it was casual coffee meetings to discuss issues at work. But it has grown into something much deeper and stronger. I am in love with him and he with me. I have an annulment and he is planning to separate from his wife.

He had planned to separate from her many years ago when he came back as an OFW and discovered she had spent all his money on gambling and left him for another man.

My children accept my lover as part of our family. They can see how happy he makes me. But I am afraid of what my ex-husband will say when he has my lover checked out and discovers he’s still married. I do not want to upset my ex in-laws who have always loved our children and me. 

Please help.

Bella

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Dear Bella,

Thank you for your email.

I have to say I am confused. You and your lover (let’s call him Juan) have been together for a few years now and your children accept him as family. Now, suddenly, you are worried about what your ex-husband may say about him and you don’t want to upset his parents? If this hasn’t been an issue before, why is it now? If you are as friendly with him and his new family as you suggest, Juan’s existence will be known to him already. What can happen anyway? Your ex has remarried and his views are irrelevant, particularly if your children are supportive of your relationship with Juan. The same should also apply to the in-laws if they truly love you and your daughters.

Surely what is more important is Juan’s situation. He was going to separate from his wife years ago because she was a gambler and left him for another man. But he didn’t! Then he met you, he fell in love with you, yet he still hasn’t separated from her. What is going on? You need to have a chat with Juan if you are contemplating a future in which he graduates from lover to husband, because he doesn’t seem to be on the same page as you. If nothing else, it will clarify if separation and annulment, which take time and money, are what he actually wants.

All the best,
JAF Baer

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Dear Bella:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I am glad Mr. Baer has shared his views about Juan’s sense of urgency about his annulment (that is, a complete lack of)! True, this need not affect your decision to separate more fully from your ex-husband’s family, but I hope it gives you pause to think about whether Juan is the best person to spend your me time with.  

You have sacrificed so much and waited so long for this me time. True, it will never be completely free from strife (whose life ever is anyway?), but it can be free from your constantly being on tenterhooks, wondering when Juan will be true to his word about his annulment.

Oh, Bella, you are such a nice person and I am worried that this niceness has allowed people not necessarily to take advantage of you, but to readily accept (as you have) the old beliefs about marriage, separation, and ex-wives.

As you have an annulment, you are no longer your ex’s wife and he has no say in how you conduct your love and sex life. Neither do your in-laws.

I know, I know, dearest Bella; it is best that you all get along like happy families. I agree with you 100%.  

But for you to accept his lifestyle 100% and for them not to accept yours is unfair (to say the least). It is not as though you are a murderer or even a person who left his wife and three children for another woman. All you are telling them (NB: telling, not asking) is that, yes, it took you much longer to find a more compatible partner, but now you have and you hope they will be as gracious about this as you have been about your ex’s having found his.  

What is critical, however, is that you have a choice. You hope you can all get along and that he is happy with who you chose, but if he isn’t (or your in-laws are disappointed), then so be it. Perhaps you can remind them that, even if you behaved as if you were still your ex-husband’s “property” all these years, this was an oversight or an attempt to make things as pleasant/comfortable as possible while your kids were still young. 

Your gift of still behaving like the traditional Filipina wife (worrying about your ex-husband’s or your no-longer-in-laws feelings) is precisely that: a gift — a gift that, if they truly care for you and your kids, they will thank you for, and gift you in return with the same freedom you have given them all these years and will continue to do so.

Hopefully, this is all a matter of perspective, Bella. However, if they insist you still behave as a chattel to a man no longer your husband, please write to us again. We have a couple of lawyers we could introduce you to.

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.