Мобильный 1 Add news
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010June 2010July 2010
August 2010
September 2010October 2010
November 2010
December 2010
January 2011
February 2011March 2011April 2011May 2011June 2011July 2011August 2011September 2011October 2011November 2011December 2011January 2012February 2012March 2012April 2012May 2012June 2012July 2012August 2012September 2012October 2012November 2012December 2012January 2013February 2013March 2013April 2013May 2013June 2013July 2013August 2013September 2013October 2013November 2013December 2013January 2014February 2014March 2014April 2014May 2014June 2014July 2014August 2014September 2014October 2014November 2014December 2014January 2015February 2015March 2015April 2015May 2015June 2015July 2015August 2015September 2015October 2015November 2015December 2015January 2016February 2016March 2016April 2016May 2016June 2016July 2016August 2016September 2016October 2016November 2016December 2016January 2017February 2017March 2017April 2017May 2017June 2017July 2017August 2017September 2017October 2017November 2017December 2017January 2018February 2018March 2018April 2018May 2018June 2018July 2018August 2018September 2018October 2018November 2018December 2018January 2019February 2019March 2019April 2019May 2019June 2019July 2019August 2019September 2019October 2019November 2019December 2019January 2020February 2020March 2020April 2020May 2020June 2020July 2020August 2020September 2020October 2020November 2020December 2020January 2021February 2021March 2021April 2021May 2021June 2021July 2021August 2021September 2021October 2021November 2021December 2021January 2022
News Every Day |

Lebanon’s New Year Resolutions… hopefully

The following is a work of satire and black humor forecasting what Lebanon’s so-called political elite will do during 2022 to fix the sinking ship.

The country’s ruling establishment has proven over the year to be incorrigible, and their appetite for corruption is only matched with their delusion and inability to take responsibility for the country’s terrible state of affairs.

I have deliberately decided not to mention the President of the Republic in this article simply because his physical and mental state precludes him from carrying out the office of the President but more so because article 384 of the Lebanese penal code states: “Whoever insults the head of state, shall be punished by imprisonment from six months to two years,” a predicament I wish to avoid or perhaps delay - for the time being at least.

For the latest headlines, follow our Google News channel online or via the app.

The Lebanese have a philosophy that the hangover kicks in once the night of drinking ends. This is the case with many of those at large, but mainly the politicians who have for years delivered nothing but empty promises and have gone out of their way to derail and obstruct real change from taking place. But, in Lebanon 2022, perhaps some of these chaps might grow a conscious and finally come up with a New Year’s resolution which will not peter out like the decision to quit smoking or commit to a healthy diet.

For Najib Mikati, the current Prime Minister and billionaire, 2022 will be a year when he finally decides to change his political hairdo and stop playing bosom and admit that it was unethical to take out millions of dollars of subsidies loans to finance the purchase of penthouses and luxury apartments. Mikati, a former business partner of Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, might rethink his decision to invest in the telecom sector in Myanmar and avoid funding the ruling internationally unrecognized Junta. Mikati might perhaps have an epiphany and donate his fortune to the people of his city Tripoli which is one of the poorest and underdeveloped towns on the Mediterranean.

As for Nabih Berri, the aging speaker of parliament who has occupied this office since 1992, 2022 will be a year when he finally decides to retire and allow for someone other than his sons or cronies to assume the post. Berri, who has time and again violated the Lebanese constitution and skewed the laws to fit his vision and coincidently accumulated enormous wealth in the process, will finally confess publicly and ask the Lebanese people for forgiveness. Hopefully, he will go into exile in Sierra Leone, where he was born.

The most hated man in Lebanon (and there are plenty of contenders), Gebran Bassil - President Aoun’s son-in-law and his political heir - will undergo plastic surgery and leg-lengthening surgery in a beautification process that might improve his chances of becoming the next president. Faithful to his earlier promises as Minister of Power to provide 24/7 electricity, water, and extracting gas from the untapped fields in the Mediterranean, Bassil will take it upon himself to go door to door and give each household a bag of candles and a gallon of water. In exchange, he will beg of them to sign a petition to remove him from the US sanctions list, which he earned for his unfathomed appetite for corruption.

In 2022, the syndicate of Lebanese warlord/feudal lords and shady businessmen will convene and decide to invest the their illicitly accumulated fortunes in stem cell research which will extend their lives by slowing down the aging process, allowing them to stay in power indefinitely. The only good thing from this scenario is that many Lebanese people will not be alive to witness this monstrous scientific calamity.

On his next visit to Lebanon, French President Emmanuel Macron will undertake another trip and drink tea and fruit and will slowly realize that the local-grown produce is concealing Captagon pills. He will find out that the drugs are intended for smuggling to the Gulf by both Hezbollah and the Syrian regime, which ironically, Macron is trying to normalize ties.

The Axis of Fake Fruit Exporters will realize that its efforts and resources spent manufacturing and stashing amphetamines in Lebanese agriculture goods is unproductive. They can make more money by farming and exporting fruit and vegetables legally.

As a result, Hezbollah will announce its transition into a farmer’s coop and exchange its missile arsenal with hand forks, shovels, and tractors. The terrorists will direct their zeal for mayhem and destruction to farming the fertile land of Beqaa Valley to the east of the country.

The year 2022 will finally be when the Lebanese minister of interior and various other judicial actors will tell the Lebanese who are manufacturing and smuggling these pills. Oh, and they might as well finally reveal who was responsible for the Beirut port explosion in 2020 while dropping the ridiculous claim that it was the result of a welding accident.

And a nod to the last political player manipulating the current state of affairs to maintain the crises in Lebanon. Voldemort has a nice ring to it. I’ll classify him as he that shall not be named.

I hope Voldemort finds it easier to access medical products than the rest of the country. I can only imagine the costs of buying an ever-increasing need for Vitamin D supplements as he moves under cover of darkness in the south of the country, hiding in peoples’ basements. A walk in the park or perhaps a visit to the cedars for a picnic is always good. A sunny disposition might help his depressing view of the world.

Given that the scenarios above are wishful thinking at best, the Lebanese are better off hoping that a Martian expedition abducts their politicians and keep them for years, probing their cavities for the real mystery of the universe.

Regardless of how 2022 plays out, the Lebanese people need to grasp that no one is interested nor willing to help them out of their self-inflicted crisis and that their salvation can only come if they finally decide to become themselves superheroes to fight off the many devils and villains they supported over the years.

Until then, Happy New Year.

Read more:

It is time for Lebanon’s people to choose their side in the war against Hezbollah

Bahrain appoints first ambassador to Damascus in a decade

King Salman: Iran must cooperate in nuclear deal, stop supporting militias in region

Read also

I’m a pregnant mum-of-three & I’m sick of mumfluencers showing off pristine houses – my house is so messy & it’s normal

Agony for Raducanu as teen battles blisters in Aus Open defeat

After a Year of Biden, We Still Have Trump-Era Foreign Policy

News, articles, comments, with a minute-by-minute update, now on Today24.pro

News Every Day

Who is Dan Evans’ girlfriend Aleah, and how long as she been with Australian Open tennis star?

Today24.pro — latest news 24/7. You can add your news instantly now — here

News Every Day

Biochar Market expected to register the significant growth over the forecast period 2020-2028

Sports today

Новости тенниса
Большой шлем

Новак Джокович собрался судиться с правительством Австралии из-за жестокого обращения

Спорт в России и мире

Обвиняемого в краже у футболиста 4 млн рублей арестовали в Москве


All sports news today


Sports in Russia today

Okko эксклюзивно покажет межсезонные контрольные игры ФК “Локомотив”

Новости России

Game News

E-promo Новый Год


Авария с участием машины скорой помощи произошла в Новой Москве

Губернаторы России

Названа причина многомиллионного штрафа Twitter в России

Мясников посоветовал по возможности избегать посещения больниц во время пандемии


Арест? ОМОН? Замена аэропорта? Порошенко возвращается в Киев точь-в-точь как Навальный в Москву

Почти 50 рейсов задержали и отменили в аэропортах Москвы

Что известно о скандале с Анастасией Волочковой в самолете

Певица Ева Канна приняла участие в концерте для ветеранов Великой Отечественной войны в Санкт- Петербурге

Певица Ева Канна приняла участие в концерте для ветеранов Великой Отечественной войны

Концерт "Романтический Орган"

Российский теннисист Медведев поддержал Джоковича

Медведев вышел в третий круг Australian Open

Джоковича депортировали из Австралии, Карацев завоевал титул, Радукану провалилась. Главные события минувшей недели

Акчурина и Морозова проиграли в финале этапа Мирового тура по бадминтону

Второй сезон комедийного хита ТНТ «Девушки с Макаровым» стартует 31 января в 21:00

Второй сезон комедийного хита ТНТ «Девушки с Макаровым» стартует 31 января

Мэр Москвы Собянин: экономика справляется с COVID-19, пессимистические прогнозы не сбылись

Иран представляет Владимиру Путину нового президента // Эбрахим Раиси совершит первый визит в Россию

«Взаимные разоблачения будут звучать все дальше и дальше» – Кашин о ситуации с Любовью Соболь, обвинившей подругу в сотрудничестве со спецслужбами

Кто такой Дилблин. Стример вскружил головы девушкам, показывая на эфирах трепетное отношение к маме

Строительство станций метро ведется безостановочно

Заведующий Центром региональной политики Климанов высказался о перспективах пластиковых карт

Путин в России и мире

Персональные новости

Александр Градский

Отец Марины Коташенко рассказал о состоянии детей Градского после ограбления квартиры

News Every Day

Biochar Market expected to register the significant growth over the forecast period 2020-2028

Friends of Today24

Музыкальные новости
"Воскресенье " Олег Митяев

Персональные новости
Близкий друг Путина миллиардер Пугачев. Вся правда о Путине, его семье и деньгах. В гостях у Гордона (2021)

Навальный об уволенном за пост священнике (2021)

Slava Marlow – суперуспех и депрессия в 21 год / вДудь (2021)

Обнаглевшие дети путинской элиты (2021)

Дайте собакам мяса (новый звук) -Владимир Высоцкий

Группа "Рождество" - песня "Так хочется жить!" (Видео с концерта в Киеве группы "РОЖДЕСТВО" в 2011 году в Доме офицеров)

Adriano Celentano Любимая песня Челентано (высочайшая энергетика) talentTV