My husband cheated on me with a barmaid at our local – now she’s dead
DEAR DEIDRE: THE death of my husband’s former mistress has brought back painful memories of their affair.
Someone told me last week the old barmaid in my local pub had died of cancer. The news sent shivers through me and I felt physically sick.
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My reaction was so extreme because 25 years ago, just two years after we got married, my husband had a torrid affair with this woman.
It wasn’t just a fling. He fell for her hard and walked out on our marriage for two months to be with her. At the time, I was devastated.
Worse, everyone knew about it. One day he came home, full of apologies, said he’d made a mistake and wanted to be with me after all.
I forgave him and took him back. We went on to have two kids, who are now grown up.
He agreed never to see that woman or go to that pub again. We don’t speak about the affair.
I am now 50 and my husband is 56. We get on fine but our sex life isn’t great and I often feel like we settled for one other. Since I heard the news about that woman’s death, I have felt furious with him all over again.
It feels like the affair happened yesterday, not a quarter of a century ago. I have a growing sense of resentment.
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Thinking about it is destroying me. I’ve realised I can’t forgive or forget. I wonder what my life could have been like if I’d not taken him back.
I wonder if I wasted my good years on him. Are my feelings unfair? I’m being snappy and horrible. He can’t understand why.
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DEIDRE SAYS: The news about the woman your husband had an affair with so many years ago has made you reflect on your past. It has brought back your old feelings of hurt and betrayal, and you clearly have a lot of unresolved anger.
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? should give you some more insight into this. You ask if your feelings are “unfair”. But feelings can’t be unfair, they’re just how you feel.
What would be unfair is if you were to punish your husband because of them,
When he cheated, it sounds like neither of you ever discussed or faced up to what was going on in your relationship at the time.
If you want to stay together and feel happy again, you need to talk to him openly and honestly, while trying to work on the relationship together.
Couples’ counselling could help your marriage. Tavistockrelationships.org (0207 380 1960) has online help available.