Leaked Emails from Simon Peter to Members of the Alpha Omega Fraternity

FROM: Simon Peter (simon.peter@alphaomega.org)
TO: All Members
DATE: Wednesday, March 25, 33
SUBJECT: Message from the Boss: NAILED IT!!

Hey team!

Just passing on a message from Jay (he’d do it himself, but as you all know, he’s much more the public speaking type, not so much on the tech) saying that he’s so proud of the way you all boarded the RAGE TRAIN in Capernaum last week! Y’all have been STUDS, and Jay was feeling it, no healing was too heavy a lift — a centurion, a paralytic we had to drop through the fuckin’ ROOF, that possessed guy who kept asking Philip if he knew the way to Santa Fe. He even healed yours truly’s mother-in-law (though sometimes I wish he’d have let that one go… kidding! I love my wife, that’s why I spend all my time raging with you guys).

Anyway, job well done, gents. On to Jerusalem!

Also, Jay gave me a new nickname that I’m trying out — no requirement to call me by it, but I’m fairly confident that it’s a) accurate, b) catchy, and c) badass, so feel free to try it on for size.

See you all at the next chapter meeting!

Best,
Simon “The Rock” Peter

FROM: Simon Peter (simon.peter@alphaomega.org)
TO: All Members
DATE: Saturday, March 28, 33
SUBJECT: Jerusalem Pre-Brief for the Masters of Rage!!!

’Sup, squad!

Just a quick note to reiterate plans for our upcoming week of absolute RAGING in Jerusalem!

First, many thanks to Judas, who agreed to finance our kick-off Passover dinner this year — not sure where Mr. Fancypants came into some quick cash, but if there’s booze you know I’m not complaining!!!

To recap, Jay will be riding into town tomorrow in full donkey style (not like that, Bartholomew, pull your head out of the gutter!). The next few days will have some chillin’, some hangin’ around, some listenin’ to Jay drop parable bombs like a BOSS, all capped off by what I’ve been assured will be a RAGE-TASTIC meal. And if all goes well, you know we’ll end the week in style: SLEEPIN’ IN THE GARDEN, BITCHES!!!!!

Get ready, ‘cuz the rage train’s leavin’ the station…

Best,
Rock

PS: Just “Rock” or “The Rock”? Open to feedback.

FROM: Simon Peter (simon.peter@alphaomega.org)
TO: All Members
DATE: Saturday, April 4, 33
SUBJECT: EMERGENCY UPDATE

Hey team,

I hope this note finds you as well as can be and getting some rest after a crazy past couple of days.

I know the current situation is a bit fluid, so I just wanted to address a few things following Jay’s untimely death at the hands of the provincial government yesterday. First, and probably needless to say, I’d recommend you all lay low for the time being. We’ll get things up and running again as soon as we can, but for now, it’s probably best for both you and your families’ sake if you pretend you never worked for/spoke to/heard of Jay. I know I did Friday morning at least three times, and boy, did it save my butt!

Additionally, I’ll be taking over as acting Chapter President effective immediately. John will be my number two, while Drew will become Secretary and Matt will remain Treasurer. We’ll keep you posted as we finalize the reorg details.

A few of you have also raised concerns regarding Jay’s final dinner with us Thursday night. I’ve heard some people say that the ceremony Jay performed — ripping up a loaf of bread while telling us to eat it like it was his flesh, followed by thrusting out a wine pitcher, commanding us to drink his blood, and then drinking the wine/pouring it on his face — made them feel “uncomfortable,” and, in a couple of instances, “freaked out.”

And hey, I totally get it! You should all know that John and I spoke with Jay afterward, and he apologized, saying that he’s been under a lot of pressure lately (pretty clear why now). We want to reassure you that the whole thing was in no way indicative of our brotherhood’s future direction. I mean, eating flesh and drinking blood — what are we, Samaritans? (Not that they’re all bad, of course.)

That being said, we are looking at ways to ritually commemorate that dinner, it being Jay’s last one and all, and doing so may include a food and/or drink option. But please know that we place the comfort and well-being of our members above everything else, and will be sure to take your concerns into consideration while formulating our strategy for moving forward during this difficult time. If anyone wants to talk more about it, I’m around. Again, I can’t say exactly where, but if you manage to find me, I’m an open ear.

Finally, could someone text Judas and find out why he kissed Jay in front of the torch-bearing mob? Not to call him out specifically, but I feel like a lot of the trouble over the past 48 hours could have been avoided had he hung back on that one.

John and I are going to swing by Jay’s grave tomorrow morning to pay our respects — hit me up if you want to join! Just going to keep it low-key, don’t want any surprises.

Thanks so much for your patience. Stay safe and talk soon!

Best,
Pete (a.k.a The Rock – went with this, feels like it has legs)