I'm a veteran sex therapist, and these are my 5 top tips for new parents going through a dry spell

For all the parents whose sex life seems to have dwindled: The first step is to sit down and ask yourself honestly what you believe is going on.

Make a list of all the factors that you think are impacting your libido. Try not to make a list of things that "should" or "might" be affecting your desire for sex; rather, those things that ring true for you.

Are you exhausted all the time, pissed off at your husband, and feeling queasy about feeling sexy? Or do you feel like yes, you are exhausted, but you suspect that there is something physiological going on?

Women often have a good idea what's really happening when they are able to have an honest conversation. Sure, you could try harder. But you can't, or you would be. Here are some things you can do to get things back on track:

Sleep more

Yes, I know. This is every mother's dream, but sleep deprivation messes with your hormone levels and, as a result, your mood, your patience, your ability to see things clearly. Before you consider hormonal intervention, see whether there is anything at all you can do to get more sleep. Maybe letting your partner know that more sleep for you might lead to more sex for you both will be a motivator. Or hire a sitter. I know it sounds crazy to pay for a nap, but it isn't.

Exercise

I'm sorry. I know that, like sleep, lack of time is the biggest obstacle here and that most moms would give their right arm for a few hours of sleep and time at the gym. However, like sleep, exercise helps balance your hormones. It has to become a "must" rather than a "like." Which leads me to my linchpin argument...

Get childcare help

I'm suggesting getting more support because the odds of your getting more sleep, exercise, or couples counseling without getting more help is ludicrous. And at the risk of sounding like Marie Antoinette, I get that more help may not sound financially feasible for many people. But if you need to, consider stopping the investments in college briefly and invest in your sex life. (Divorce is expensive!) Try to form "help exchanges" with your partner and friends (if you're tired and have no time, your friends probably are as well): You watch the kids for two hours while I go to the gym, and I'll keep the kids for two hours so you can sleep.

I remember when I was pregnant with number three. It was five in the afternoon and I had gotten off work early. I knew if I went home, I'd end up playing with my kids or taking them out. Instead, I showed up at the door of a dear friend and asked if I could crash on her couch. She didn't make me feel silly and she didn't try to talk to me. She walked me over to the sofa, told me to knock myself out. Which I did, literally. I woke up at 6:30 p.m. feeling like a new woman.

Get housekeeping help

It sounds so absurd for a sex therapist to strategize with a patient about cleaning, laundry, and folding, but I find myself doing just that during many appointments. Of every other aspect of life that can probably be addressed, this is the most basic and easily accessed. If it's at all financially possible to get help, even sporadically, in this area, go for it and don't feel guilty. If you have friends or family who can help out ( yes, also even sporadically), call in those favors. Because I am telling you that it's worth the investment in your relationship. And, because it is often a bone of contention between couples, it avoids stress too. Another, less expensive option, is for you and your partner is to make a decision to learn to live with a messy house for a while.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner about what is going on

They are probably also stressed, over their limit, and ready to explode, but for them, it is very possible that sex is a stress reliever and now they want or need sex more. For you, it may not feel that way; rather, it is more likely another source of stress.

Sit down. Talk about the fact that you are not having sex. See whether together you can create a concrete plan for carving out more time for you to sleep, exercise, and have sex. I am not minimizing the amount of creative thinking this takes. Nor am I discounting the fact that having that creative thinking while you are in a sleep-deprived brain fog is difficult, but if you want to fix the situation, that should be your starting point. If you feel that a therapist, life coach, or even a financial planner might be helpful in sorting all of this out, then reach out for them and get help.

Excerpted from Sex Points: Reclaim Your Sex Life with the Revolutionary Multi-Point System by Bat Sheva Marcus. Copyright © 2021. Available from Hachette Go, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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