My fiancé had affair with his best mate’s girlfriend – am I wrong for staying?
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS broken after stumbling across texts between my fiancé and his best friend’s girlfriend.
There was no doubting they were having sex regularly and the discovery hit me so hard I couldn’t function properly.
We were due to get married last year but I cancelled it way before the pandemic hit because of this discovery. I saw reams of messages between them, detailing how much they enjoyed their last tryst and what they wanted to do next.
I am 33 and my partner is 35. We have been together for 14 years and have a little boy together. He is eight. I thought this woman was a good friend, often giving me advice about my wedding.
When I confronted my partner he grovelled and insisted it didn’t mean anything. He said it was just words and he’d never do anything to risk losing me again.
But after my discovery, he kept going round to their house even though I asked him not to.
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He said he was seeing his friend. I blocked this woman’s number on his phone, but still found odd messages — messages he said were old. Then I discovered she had another number and that they continued to talk.
This time she sent me screenshots of messages from my partner, saying he was completely in love with her. I’m no doormat and kicked him out for a week — his excuse was he didn’t mean any of it.
This time her boyfriend found out too so the that friendship has ended.
My partner and I are still together and are trying to work through it, but I don’t think he loves me any more. I don’t understand why he is staying either.
If he doesn’t want me and wants to be with this other girl, surely they would have made it happen.
I feel like second best and wonder whether my partner sees me as a mug and will end up leaving anyway.
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DEIDRE SAYS: He has let you down badly, but it is possible to rebuild the trust. If you decide to forgive him, you have to draw a line under what happened and move on.
What has gone wrong between you? There is no excuse for his cheating, but you have a better chance of saving your relationship if you are willing to share some responsibility for the state it’s in.
Be clear with him that if he strays again, you will kick him out again – for good.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It offers support on how you can save your relationship if that’s what you decide is best.
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